SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Pouring in Parenting. I'm Sil. And I'm Anish. And thanks for tuning in to another episode. Anish, how are you doing today? Today's been a day, but pushing through.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

Pushing through today. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 0:14

I survived this week. That's that's about it. It's been it's been a week. So all right, so Anish, what did you pour in your glass today?

SPEAKER_02 0:22

Today I poured a pineapple whiskey with a mango splash juice. Nice. Sounds refreshing. Very what do you have today?

SPEAKER_01 0:34

What did you pour? So today, so I didn't pour anything. I'm trying to declutter my fridge of random alcoholic beverages that get left at my house. So I want to say this one came from my mom. El Himador Orange Sunrise Style. It's a premium malt beverage with natural flavors. Oh, anyways, cheers.

SPEAKER_02 0:55

Cheers. Oh, both of our drinks are orange. I know I was gonna say that, but I didn't.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

So today we are diving into caring for our mental health, moving on from trauma and being the best version for us, for ourselves and our family. Highlights for today's episode is how Syl avoided falling into a pit of depression. Of course, our synctomy, which I am determined to not lose again. And then, of course, the Bridgeton episode 4 recap, which was nice and steamy this time. So let's go ahead and get started. Einish, what is the most outlandish thing you have heard a parent tell to their child?

SPEAKER_02 1:35

The most outlandish thing that I've heard a parent tell to their child that I wouldn't say outlandish. I know that I've heard stories, I don't know anyone personally, but I watch a lot of ID channel and like snapped oxygen. And I know people that put locks on their refrigerator. Parents get upset with their children. I guess going in the refrigerator or they punish their kids and chain the refrigerator. Now, granted, the stories that I've seen on the ID ID channel and oxygen, unfortunately, the kids more times than not are maybe foster kids or adoptive kids. So they're treating those kids differently, unfortunately. But I I would say that to me that's a little extreme if you feel the need to have to chain your refrigerator and put a lock on it.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Oh yeah. Yeah, so there's definitely like some abuse going on. Unfortunately, we do see or hear a lot, you know, usually like the foster children or um like the stepchild or whatever, where they they endure a lot of abuse. So that's unfortunate. So for me, one of the craziest things I've heard, it might not be the craziest, but from what I can remember, is there was a parent out at the ballpark and he yelled at his kid. Now, mind you, it's a game. Everyone's watching. It's a it was a baseball game. So they're not that loud. And a parent very loudly yelled at his kid, I knew you didn't have it. Oh my gosh, are you serious? Yeah. I was so heartbroken for that kid. I mean, this this was like maybe T ball or a level above T ball, but like I just couldn't imagine hearing my parents say that to me at any age. I knew you didn't have it. What? So I could just imagine the abuse, the emotional abuse in this case that this poor child has to endure within the home. Like if a parent says something like that in front of a crowd of people, what what happens behind closed doors?

SPEAKER_03 3:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Especially at a silent baseball game or t ball game for that matter. It's yeah, everyone was right. Yeah, but you know, I mean, it's not like a soccer game or a football game where you could barely hear yourself speak, but yeah, a baseball game where, you know, it's definitely a little bit more quiet. But I mean, he, everyone was just kind of like, oh, that's so sad. Yeah. And it's like how as a kid, how do you react? You know, you're you're just trying to process emotions, just process processing what happened at that moment. And for your own father to say that to you, like that, that's gotta hurt.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Yeah. And to say I know you didn't have it means that he's been planting that seed in his son's head already. To even make a statement like that. Like you've already been saying that at home.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Do you have it? Do you have it? You know. Yeah, I know. Let's go ahead and go into the trends. All right. So starting with our hot topics or trends, our first trend is cycle-breaking parenting. So, according to an article in Parents magazine, Gen X parents focused on involved parenting and even helicopter parenting. Gen Y parents, so we're considered Gen Y, focus on gentle parenting. I don't necessarily agree, but I think there's the millennials from the early millennials and the late millennials, so that might be the more late millennials. Then there's Gen Z, who are moving away from these approaches and focus on the hybrid approach, which includes cycle breaking and cause and effect parenting. They feel that parenting styles should be blended and used depending on the situation. So I kind of agree with that. You know, not all children are the same. Sometimes maybe there's a kid that you can gentle parent and you can really actually gentle parent the way it's meant to be. But then there's that other kid where, you know, things are going to be a little more different. Maybe you have to be a helicopter parent, or maybe you have to be a little more disciplined with that one child.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

It just depends. What do you think? I think the blend of the two is a good option because, like you said, no two children are alike, even twins, as similar as they are. I'm pretty sure there's so many twin or multiple parents out there that will say, no, they definitely have their different personalities, but they may move or walk alike. So the fact that the main focus is gentle parenting is actually surprising for our generation. Yeah, I was shocked. I was like, what the hell? I think I do. Who knows? I don't know what I do anymore. It I feel I'm a blend of the two. I probably, yeah, you know, I you know, if someone was a fly on the wall that was a psychologist, they may say otherwise, but I do, I feel I kinda gentle parent and you know, and bring it back, you know, from the old school as well. So, you know, that's a that's an interesting statistic.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

So according once again to Parents Magazine, the styles that are used, 37% of Gen Z use cycle breaking healing, oh, sorry, cycle breaking healing generational trauma. 33% use attached parenting, which is a form of creating those emotional bonds. 31% focus on prioritizing cause and effect, real world consequences, and 20% use are using child-led parenting. I don't like the sound of child-led parenting. Like, that's not gonna go down. Luckily, it's only 20%.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

Yeah, because like what does that mean? I don't like the I think like the second to last one you said, the um, what'd you say? What was the second to last one you said? Prioritizing cause and effect, real world consequences. Yes. Because I feel with social media being so big, there's so many parents that put their kid on social media holding a sign. And is like, is that what that means? He didn't do my homework, so I have to go to school with this sign on my back or something. And it's bringing embarrassment and shame, shame to your child, and honestly feeding fuel to the other kids to poke fun at your child and you know, cause and reaction, right? So your kid may react negatively towards that, depending on their mental state, I guess, after putting them in that situation. I've seen a video actually of not that long ago of a mom cutting her daughter's hair off because she didn't do her homework. And she cut her hair off on live and then recorded later, and the daughter was like, Oh, I love my mom. You know, the mom was asking her questions. She'll know I love her, everything's fine.

SPEAKER_03 8:03

And I'm like, oh, that's not that that's not okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Yeah. It's a form of abuse for sure. I agree. I like the cycle breaking healing from generational trauma, the attachment parenting, you know, forming those emotional bonds. I like that too. I guess for the prioritizing cause and effects to the real world consequences, I think there's extreme. So I think like the your examples were like when people take it to the extreme. Like, and they and they do. I I've seen those kids with with those signs. That's to me is so awful. The damage that you're doing to your child is almost unreparable. That goes, that's gonna stick with them for life. But like smaller cause and effect. It's funny, like if you you break something of mine after I told you many times to stop, now you're gonna pay for it. Okay, because that that's more real world. And maybe that's gonna come from them actually handing me their money, or it's gonna come from you're gonna work for it. Now you're gonna go clean the yard or you're gonna do extra tours around the house, stuff like that. So that's where I I think my head was when it came to the cause and effect and world real world consequences. Because I I do think kids, and depending on the age too, you know, they they need to see that. But once again, parents can really take things to the extreme where now it's now your kids gonna be in therapy, thanks to you.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

Right?

SPEAKER_02 9:24

Yeah. Or can you mention the break in the generational curses curse? Trauma, yes. Trauma. Wow. It could be a curse too. The generational trauma. Uh, real quick, I seen a young lady on social media, and she was sneaking out of her household at 20, and she didn't really go into details or specifics about it, but she felt that she needed to get out of the house and document it as she escaped her trauma. And it does you have to document it. But granted, good thing she did it, I guess, because they created a GoFundMe for her to help her on her journey. And, you know, henceforth, there goes the power of social media.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

But oh, it's like it's like a double-edged sword with social media, you know, like not everything needs to be on there. But then sometimes it's like, okay, well, you know, I guess it's helpful that if, you know, she really is in this traumatic or abusive home that she needs to escape at 20 years old. Why are you as like at 20? Can't why don't you just walk out the front door and say, peace out, I'm gone. But yes, different families, different dynamics, and you don't know what's going on there. You know, maybe anything can happen, right? Right. All right, moving on to trend two wearables for parental stress detection. So this one was interesting to me because I'm like, really? Now we gotta wear something to tell us that we're stressed out. Like, that's gonna stress me out even more. So these include active monitoring, such as Q's Hub Stress Alert app or the aura ring, allows parents to visualize their stress levels while identifying triggers. Okay, you're wearing this ring or you're wearing whatever. I I mean, I don't know. I guess it could be helpful, just I guess more of a skeptic. But I think if it's allowing you to see or visualize your what triggers you, like hopefully that will be like, okay, I I'm noticing that I'm being triggered right now. I'm getting stressed out, whatever. Now you take the right approach to fix it before it escalates. Hopefully. Also, other things are that provide real-time interventions. So, like some wearables, it's called the Apollo Nuevo, provide gentle vibrations that communicate with the nervous system to move from a fight or flight to rest and digest. Once again, this is still from Parenting Magazine. I don't know, I'm a skeptic. If it works for you, that's awesome. I can't see myself wearing an additional ring or a watch just gonna tell me when I'm being triggered or when I'm extra stressed. Like I know when I'm stressed. Right. And I mean, maybe this is for those who don't recognize their triggers, perhaps. So yeah, maybe for those who don't recognize the triggers, this might be helpful. But I mean, hey, if it works. So that's that's just something out there. If you feel like you need help with detecting your stress, there are apps out there, there's rings that can help you with that.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

That makes me think of Bad Boys 2, I believe, with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and he had the Woo-saw. And Will Smith kept telling Martin Lawrence, like, hey, hey, calm down. You know, your blood pressure gets high, you know, when that happens. And so he started Woo-Saw and stuff. So I get, you know, I guess that goes to show that people out there that I guess don't know their triggers or they could be not even realizing that they're getting triggered because it's taking you too long to open the cash register, you know, to pay for something. And my blood pressure's rising because I have to be somewhere in four minutes, but you're taking forever to pour my coffee right now. Right. So that can I can see that being a moment where someone's not under realizing that they're being triggered because it's something so small and not grotesque, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

So okay, all right, moving into our next segment. So we've talked about breaking generational trauma, we've talked about different approaches to parenting. But can you really be the best parent possible if you haven't taken care of yourself first? So I'm about to do a deeper dive into my own story with mental health because I have been suffering from anxiety and then depression for quite a while now, about nine years or so. I didn't really realize until I was pregnant with my son when I had my first anxiety attack. Unfortunately, I'm pre- I was pregnant and I couldn't take anything and I didn't really even know what was happening at the time. Um, but when it started happening more frequently, I got diagnosed with having anxiety. And they offered me medication. So when they prescribed it to me, I was hesitant. I didn't want to take it. I was like, I don't need anything. Like, I'll just push through. I'll just push through. I picked up the medication. I looked at it and I saw the side effects, and some of it was like suicidal thoughts. It's a lot of bad stuff that I saw in there. And I was like, I'm not even close to suicidal thoughts. Nope, I'm not, this is not for me. So I did not take the medication. And for a long time, I kind of silently suffered through my anxiety. And um, a big trigger for me that I realized was driving. Um, my first anxiety attack happened when I was in the car and I was stuck in traffic. So after that, anytime I was stuck in traffic, I would start to freak out a little bit. Like my palms would get sweaty, my heart would start racing. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. It was just the most out of control feeling I had felt. So there was a long time where I didn't want to drive by myself, especially if it was someone far somewhere far. I I would just get in my head, especially just having those thoughts by myself. Especially when you're driving, you just get in your own head. And and that would happen to me. And there was one time where I was driving and I got, I was probably not even 10 minutes away from my parents' house when these thoughts started to happen, where I was kind of like, dang, how do I just automatically remember where to go? Like, I know exactly how to get to my parents' house. And I'm like, wait, isn't my parents' house? I literally thought I was driving myself crazy. I was having the worst anxiety attack. And all I can think of, am I gonna go to the right house? If I knock, am I is that where I'm gonna be? How do I know I'm gonna be there? Like it was just the most insane. And after that, I was like, okay, I need to reevaluate because now I'm really starting to scare myself. Um, and then I noticed it with my child because Benny was born premature. There was a certain bond that we didn't get to have that most mother and child get to have when they're first born. I didn't get to hold them, I didn't get to have them on my chest to do them. Um, that baby bonding for weeks. Yeah, the skin to skin. Like I we didn't have that for weeks. I think it was also postpartum depression. So I think it was a mixture of that that I didn't really hear heal from, and I didn't know that it bothered me so much. But I I didn't I had a disconnect with my son. And on top of the anxiety I was getting, there was just a lot. And once again, like it was a really long time that I was suffering. And I I was like, eventually I'm gonna pull through. Like I felt like I was a strong individual and like whatever, it's gonna go away. And it didn't, it wasn't going away, and it started affecting me in so many ways, just from my my day-to-day tasks. I felt like I was I I just I couldn't function the way I should for my kid and and my husband and even like my family around me. And then I think I even told you what time this one, this one wasn't even like that long ago. When you were over, I don't, I don't think it was this past summer, maybe the summer prior. And we were kind of just like sitting on the couch, and I feel like I had nothing to say. Like I was just quiet, and I just and I I was like, really? I'm not like we're not like this. We can always have a conversation, but I it felt like it was me. Something was going on with me. I just had no desire to talk. I wanted you there. The kids were playing, but I just had nothing to say. I feel like I had no personality, no life, no spunk, no nothing. So finally one day I went to the doctor and I'm thinking it's still the anxiety. And the doctor tells me, okay, I'm gonna give you this prescription. And it's um something you have to take every day. It's a low dose, but it's for anxiety and depression. And after she said that word depression, I just burst into tears because I think it finally hit me that I had been depressed and I didn't realize it. And I didn't realize that I had been so depressed. And for her to just say it, she was like, No, you you are depressed. Like everything you're telling me, like that's depression. And I was like, what? Like, and I think I was just trying to suppress it. Like I didn't like no, like this can't be it.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

Just because I'm like, no, like I I've dealt with so much in my life. Like, I don't I don't get this, like I'm fine, you know, the anxiety, fine, I'll admit to that. But then, you know, to be told I had depression, it was kind of a hard pill to swallow. But I knew I had to do something because I didn't feel like I was being the best person for my kid or my kids or my husband. And so I did notice a huge difference, and I am so grateful that that doctor saw that in me because I would have never said that I was depressed.

SPEAKER_03 18:42

Oh getting hot in here.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Oh you know, Paul Jim McGuire. So I didn't really I just want to disclose that I feel that the best friendships and relationships, if you can sit in silence, and I know you you were in your own head about it, but um I think from my perspective, to me, that like just took our friendship to another level. And I don't ever want you to, you know, feel that way. And I know that's something that you know you can't necessarily control, but girl, we can sit in silence all the time, or I can just talk to you. If you need me to talk and you just want to sit there, I will literally I have all the words to say to you. So no, I can't even recall that because if anything, I was enjoying our our space together. So never, whenever you're with me, never think that if you if you need to sit in silence, be specific because I may keep talking. Or if you're like, hey, I'm not gonna say anything, but you can talk, please say that because I'll do all the talking. I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

But I think what was getting me is that I had nothing to say. Like I don't even think I wanted to be in silence. I just felt like I have nothing to say. So yeah, that was really eye-opening for me. But like I said, I I knew I had to do something.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

And even though I was scared to take the medication, I know there's a stigma behind it to take antidepressants or take anxiety medication. Eventually you have to find something that works for you because then you're not living. And I felt like for a while, I really wasn't living. I was kind of just going through the motions, and that was really sad.

SPEAKER_02 20:17

Like I'm really sad that I went that I went like that for so long. Yeah, no, that's and you're, you know, you're definitely not not alone on that journey at all. And the fact that you can even be open to have this conversation is amazing. So kudos to you.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

Damn. I wasn't gonna be this emotional, but I'm emotional because it was so real. Yes. And like I said, I needed to do something to be a better parent because I I didn't want my kids to see or feel that there was something wrong with them when they're not the problem. It's me. I I'm the one who needs to be to take care of myself for them. And that's the message here.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

After all of that, is to please take care of yourself because our little ones need you and they see, they notice, and I'm not cured. I still have my days where I struggle and I feel it. And I still am on the medication. And it's not supposed to be forever either. But there's days where I struggle. But I think knowing that that I'm working on it and knowing what my triggers are and knowing the tools that I have now, other than the medication, because you can only take one of those, that you can't take more than that a day. But but just being more self-aware of who I am and my struggles have helped me just to become a better me. But I want to share with you a story of someone who has not dealt with their own mental health. So there was a story that went viral a while back, and I'm not gonna mention any names, but it was of a woman, a mother, and she was yelling at her son. Her son was a a teenage boy, and she's telling him these really horrible things, and you know. things like, I wish I never had you, I hate you, even led to encouraging suicide. And it was awful. It was awful to see. And I'm sure for that boy, it was heartbreaking to hear. Like what do you say when or what do you feel when you're being said that by a parent who is supposed to protect you and love you and want the best for you. Um and all I can think of was when I'm watching this is not necessarily just that how awful that boy must feel but this person must have some type of trauma in their life because that isn't not normal behavior. That is not how anyone should and most people don't talk to their children that way unless there's something behind it. So it like I said I've heard some stuff before just like the parent who told their kid I know I knew you weren't good enough or whatever it was that he had said.

SPEAKER_03 23:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

But you know there are worse and worse cases out there. And all I can say is I really hope this person gets help because I'm sure that that there has been a tremendous amount of damage done to this poor boy and anyone else who is immediately around this person, this mother it was it was just so sad because most people would be like, oh she's a horrible mother and all that and she's definitely not a good mother but there's also has to be some pain and like a back story. Should be encouraged. Yes, help should be encouraged for this mother because hopefully if she were to get this help, she could try to repair the damage that she's done to her child.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Yeah, no absolutely there real quick there's a um black china's mom actually just recently a few weeks back put out a video talking very negatively about her own child. And I know that they're in the social media world and Black China and her mom have been in social media for many of years. And I know that just based on what we're seeing, which is just a minimum look into their life and her mom said some really dark and nasty things about her on social media very close to what you just said about that mother saying negatively about her son. Like China's a mother and she's fully grown and I'm I'm assuming you're talking about a child and the mother is speaking those negative words to their child. And so as a child and even to an adult that trauma from your parent can carry through if they don't get the help that they need. And unfortunately Black China has to deal with that as a mother herself dealing with her children's grandmother. But it was it was a very sad video to see um Black China's mom speaking so harshly upon her and negatively so right it's awful because it's also on social media.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

I think it makes it even worse than if you would have just said it to my face like yeah it's gonna hurt but now the whole world knows how you feel about me.

SPEAKER_02 25:20

Like that's just puts an additional sting to it I guess you can say yeah it just shows a dark side of social media and and I I get it we all have freedom of speech and and we fought for our freedom of speech and there are really no limitations on what you can say on social media. And unfortunately people they take that to heart and take it as far as they want to go with it and they don't care who they take down or who they hurt in the process when they feel that they want to express themselves. They're expressed this is how I feel this is my story is their their cover up for hurting someone else's feelings or bringing you know taking someone down. Yeah so that's unfortunate.

SPEAKER_01 26:08

Yeah definitely and a lot of it is from trauma that they felt so generational trauma is not always obvious and it's not always like really extreme experiences. It could just be from everyday experiences just like how people give love or how they withhold love different patterns of discipline and communication and like how all of that happens. So it it's not always these big huge bombs that get dropped that give us that generational trauma but it's the little things too. So as parents we need to make sure that what we're doing in front of our children or what we're saying to them that it it's intentional but also appropriate because I do not want my children to ever feel like they have to break cycles because of what I've done to them. I was very blessed with my parents I'm very grateful that I don't really have anything like that that I need to break in order to to better parent my children. Yeah I agree. Right? As far as like my parents go you know having wonderful parents I'm trying to I'm I'm trying to match their energy is my is my mindset. I don't know how they did it. Like I still look back and I don't know how my parents did it.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

Yeah they you know my parents are real ones. They are definitely better die and I'm definitely gonna let her die for my kids as hard as they they do for me. It's never been they they've just been very present and very aware and and just there. Again, yeah like you said there were definitely some things that I'm like girl I ain't about to do that you just tripping or you know my dad nah bro I'm gonna I'm gonna break that right now we're gonna we ain't gonna do that. But overall looking at the big picture they did what needed to be done and even through our you know our down days I would still a hundred percent choose my parents over and over again to be my parents so yeah same here.

SPEAKER_01 28:05

So if you are someone or know someone who needs to break a cycle this is what it means. Breaking the cycle is intentionally stopping the repetition of harmful patterns such as intergenerational trauma abuse or addiction. It requires deep self-awareness conviction and courage to make new healthier choices often necessary necessary therapy or counseling to rewrite conditioned behaviors. This process leads to healing empowerment and healthier future generations so that was a lot breaking it down you need to know that you need to be self-aware on a deep level not just that surface stuff on a deep level those choices that you're making how is it affecting you and your family or the others around you so being able to be self-aware if you're in denial you're not gonna look for help you have to be ready to get help that conviction and ready to try something new healthcare choices whatever it is and many times it's gonna lead to therapy or counseling but just think of it in a way that it's gonna help you. It's gonna bring you to be a better you and a better parent for your children.

SPEAKER_02 29:15

Yeah being definitely be self-aware that could be easier said than done you may need to get that ring that Sill was talking about earlier but I do feel that you're gonna make mistakes we all make mistakes you're not gonna master anything that we're talking about today that Sill's touching base on you're not gonna master it but if you can admit to just admit to if you feel that something's off and you can self-check in with your you know you could check in with yourself then that's the first step of acknowledging that you need to break a pattern or change the pattern. So get that ring get invested invest in something to monitor your stress levels.

SPEAKER_01 29:59

Yeah something something that's gonna make you self-aware but signs that you need to break the cycle so how if this is you once again please in all seriousness though please look into getting some type of of help and we I say that in the most respectful way. So if you are repeatedly engaging in harmful habits addiction toxic relationships overspending replicating the same unhealthy behaviors you witnessed in your parents I feel like that part is where that viral video that I talked about it could be something like that you know that they had an unhealthy childhood and therefore they're replicate replicating what they know because they know nothing different. But at some point you have to know that it didn't feel good to you back then to be treated that way. And you don't have to have your children feel that same way. Feeling trapped in a cycle of anxiety or negativity. So for me this is where I was where it was with the cycle of anxiety and depression and then experiencing emotional turmoil or abuse in relationships. Once again it's not always going to necessarily have to do with your children and gent in all the time but it could be with your relationship with your spouse or with family members or others around you like what what is going on that maybe you need to repair or seek advice or help with then we have tools for coping.

SPEAKER_02 31:27

The first tool for coping that is on the list is when you're in the moment. So let's say your child is upset and they're throwing a tantrum how do you cope with that moment there are so many different avenues that you can take when you're in the moment and it's difficult. Your child's throwing a temper tantrum in the store how do you react to that moment? Take a breath do the woo-saw and inhale exhale I like to get down to my child's level I like to get down to their eye level so it doesn't feel like I'm such an authoritative over them and I'm hovering over them. I get down to my child's level I speak in a very calm manner and address the moment that's happening. I'm not sure if you tried that but it's definitely worked for me. I think it might almost be scarier to do that to your child as opposed to yelling over them but getting down to their eye level and speaking in a calm manner. No, we're not gonna get candy today because you had candy last time. You didn't ask mommy nicely or whatever the case is whatever that situation is but just making sure that you're in control of your emotions can help you take the next step on your reaction. So if your child needs to cry for just a couple more seconds while you gather your thoughts and control your next step then do that. I guarantee there's a lot of mamas that are going to be walking around and they're gonna support whatever you do. So never fear what this outer world is doing as long as you're taking care of self.

SPEAKER_03 33:01

Yeah oh I like it.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

It makes sense and definitely ask yourself like am I being triggered right now? Because that's going to dictate what's going to happen next. And hopefully it's a calm approach. Next tool for coping is reframe your thinking. So old thought versus new thought so your old thought would be they're being bad. Your new thought would be they're struggling they need punishment new thought would be they need guidance. They're being disrespectful they're overwhelmed and I think that this isn't necessarily a tool for just our children but for us too especially when we're in a bad mood no I'm not trying to be in a bad mood I'm struggling I'm not trying to be disrespectful I am overwhelmed. I need guidance like I don't need you to lecture me I need guidance. So we can think of those for our children but they can also be a self-awareness tool for ourselves okay or even if you're speaking to someone and you're you're you need help. Like I'm sorry I lashed out on you. I'm just struggling right now I'm sorry that I was dismissive of your feelings but I I'm struggling like I'm overwhelmed right now. So it's not just for how you reframe your thinking with your children but for your own experiences as well as adults.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

Absolutely and that can be difficult for adults admitting that. And so just being able to get out of your own head so hopefully you can you feel comfortable enough in your relationship or situationship that you can express that emotion. Knowing your triggers understanding your triggers asking yourself why is this bothering me so much and a big reminder is to make sure that old wounds are not being activated. So if you see your feel that you're revving up to be in this situation or in a moment that feels almost too familiar that could be an old trigger reving up to come out. And a lot of the emotion that can come from that or you know not even entertaining that emotion is making sure that you're asking yourself in the moment if you can and if you remember is why is this bothering so much? And maybe taking a minute before you're reacting why is this about to bother me so much that my kid's asking for more milk today that my child wants another cookie are you having a rough day today? What is happening? It's probably not so much that the baby wants another cookie. It could be that something happened early at work today and it's trickled down and you didn't really address that moment at work today and you brought it home with you. So taking the time out to just reevaluate your emotions and the moment that you're sitting in at that time and making sure that your reaction to that extra cookie could be because you've had six cookies today or is it because Bob didn't bring me a napkin or whatever the case is. So just being self-aware. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Next tool for coping are daily habits that can help. So spend a one-on-one connection time so whether that be that one-on-one with yourself in the mirror or one-on-one with your spouse with your child with whomever that you need to have a connection with okay even if it's just 10 minutes get some connection time notice and praise effort I saw you try that was great stay curious and not judgmental. Reflect whether it's via journaling or thinking what went well today what can I do differently tomorrow it's not going to be a perfect system and things might work one day they might not work next to praise yourself or praise others noticing that you're trying like that's that's already a big step and that's gonna do wonders for you as you navigate your journey into a healthier youth.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

The next we'll be discussing is discipline shift. Instead of timeouts yelling punishment try time ins stay with them coach their emotions and teach problem solving when you feel overwhelmed step away if it's safe and take a few deep breaths remind yourself this is a moment and it's not forever.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

I can choose a different response I like that remembering that this is just a small moment in time and it doesn't last forever because sometimes we just get so fixated on what's happening that we prolong it and we think like this is never gonna end. But it it it will end and you will get through it's not forever. So I I really like that one that constant reminder like it's just a moment it's not remember you're breaking cycles not just handling behavior. There's small changes that equal big generational impact that repairing matters more than being perfect. It's not gonna be perfect and you're gonna have those days when you're doubting yourself is this really working but once again it's those small changes that are gonna make the greater impact and you just need to make sure or remind yourself that you're repairing you're repairing and sometimes you got to start over that as long as you keep with it you'll get to breaking those cycles and you'll get to being the parent that you were made to be so the final takeaways small change equals a big long-term impact. Every effort helps break the cycle and your work today shapes future generations. So do that not just for your babies but for your baby's babies and your baby's baby's baby.

SPEAKER_02 38:30

Okay for all the babies and for your mental health too that would take less stress off you know take less stress off of your load if you can for sure if you're able to control and regulate your emotions.

SPEAKER_01 38:44

And be in control of you if you can don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to talk to others there's so many people who go through this in silence because they don't because of the stigma but I think if we can normalize talking about it more people would be more willing to get help and not have to deal with so much on their plate.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

Absolutely do not be afraid to ask for help.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

All right pores so I know that was a heavy topic definitely emotional but let's liven it up a little bit. Okay let's go to our sing to me segment to get some laughs and cheer and hopefully some views here. Okay. So once again the sing to me segment I will give Einish a question based on song lyrics and the goal is for her to not only get the answer correct but to sing the lyrics back to me. Okay so Einish, let's get started. And my love is like whoa what is Maya more than confident about that she's better than someone else uh no she's more than a woman that's Aaliyah I don't know so I am more than confident you'll you want you won't ever need to search any streets for love and affection.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

Is she talking?

SPEAKER_01 40:00

I got this what kind of girl I said I said it at the very very beginning.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

So I'd sing it's still it's still part of the lyrics you told me to sing you a song back I can't sing when she's talking back disqualified. You literally gave the rules of the game and decided to pick speaking parts it's part of the lyrics she says it.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

Oh fine okay disqualify I went so confident in that one I mean you still didn't get it what did Andre 3000 thank god for his mom and dad doing in his song Hey ya was he talking gosh you scared me first of all second he is singing or rap singing that's a song I know hey ya is a song but that part of the song it's a verse what's cool as being cool I know what's cool than being cool I don't know dang it again ladies and gentlemen before I give you the answer what what did Andre 3000 thank god for his mom and dad for doing in his song yeah thank god for mom and dad for sticking to for sticking together because we don't know how to don't know how to do dang it you got me all right let's see so what has Ashanti so happy about every day fill me with so much job I mean I don't know it's not my song dang it anyway oh it was the answer every day so glad that I found you boy I don't think I would have got it okay here we go one time was Whitney Houston told they would be home in the song Heartbreak Hotel you said you'd be here by nine instead you took your time you didn't think to call me boy all right well we died oh thank god I wasn't a big fat loser this time my gosh really I'm sitting right here I want to lose both of them that's a story of my life that was embarrassing for me right here for me I am right here okay so friends we are in to our Bridgerton recap of episode four this one got steamy it was a good one okay just just like I remembered good old Bridgerton to be okay so once again if you have not watched season four episode four we kindly ask that you step away now go watch it and then come back okay thank you but if you have watched it please continue to tune in and let's see what our opinions are about this episode. So I definitely thought it was a better episode. Once again Benedict pissed me off he just loves his food in his mouth he's the worst right so it starts off with Benedict and Sophie arriving to Bridgerton house and Sophie finds out that that's where she's gonna be working she was opposed to it but obviously knew that she didn't really have many options. So she begins to work there as a lady's maid for Benedict's two sisters. And he also did I did like that he kept his word and I kind of already had forgot about this by bringing Hazel to work there as well. Her was like really Yeah yeah I I forgot about her. I didn't even think she was gonna pop back in honestly. So Sophie and Benedict end up having a huge moment. So there's a lot of tension in the house between the two you know that physical attraction they keep bumping into each other everywhere after Benedict had been like oh you're hardly gonna see me he was there all the time he's still looking for the lady with the silver glove and he tells his mom that I'm back on the hunt. He he had this newfound sense of finding this woman literally right underneath his nose. They bring in this other woman do you remember her name? I don't remember her name. She was like I was just so annoyed by her presence quite honestly what other woman They thought she was the one with because she she didn't know how to dance. Like she knew multiple languages. So they brought her in for tea, her and her mother. So Benedict was there and he was asking her questions. But one of the final questions at the end was she's like, Oh, I always wanted to visit Bridgerton House. So then Lady Violet was like, Oh, like I'm sure you were here for the masquerade ball. She's like, Oh no, like I couldn't make it, I was sick or something like that. So then obviously you knew she wasn't her.

SPEAKER_03 44:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

She wasn't the one. But Sophie walked in, um, and apparently she wasn't supposed to be there because that's not her job to serve tea, walks into what she feels is Benedict courting another woman. And there was like a whole incident where she spilled tea on him and he gets upset and and everyone just kind of goes their own ways. And it they just have like all this, once again, tension. What did what did you think was going on at that time?

SPEAKER_02 44:57

Honestly, I don't think that I thought that too much was gonna happen between the two of them just because she had just started working there. I I didn't expect him to be so present, though, I guess for some odd reason. And I don't know why I thought that in my brain that he was gonna practically move back in to the house or to their to the grounds, if you will. But also, I guess I didn't think that he would go back to his cottage either. The the interactions that they were having was expected but not expected at the same time. How do you not run into that's like buying a new car and then you keep seeing the car that you just bought, right? And not to say she's property, but you have a crush on someone, you're always gonna see them. And right, you're in the same residence. So it wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 45:50

But it was him also. I think he says like towards the end, like, yeah, like I'm so like drawn to you, like I'm I'm here um because of you. Where she's like, I'm just trying to get you to like leave. And he did leave for a little bit. And that's where like that big moment came in. He wasn't supposed to be there, but he had this like epiphany, like, you know what, Sophie's like the one, or that's what we thought, you know, he was thinking. They end up the servant of the house get the night off for Lady Violet Bridgerton's little rendezvous, which we'll get to in a second. But because everyone was gone, or while everyone was leaving, Sophie forgot her coin purse in her room. So she runs back to get it. Well, Benedict had an epiphany at that moment. So he's in Bridgerton house running up the stairs looking for her. They meet in the middle, and they just have this lovely not lovely, it was actually very erotic scene. I I thought they were gonna get caught. When I thought they were gonna get caught, and then I thought maybe they might take it to the bedroom because they stayed on the staircase the whole time. What were you thinking at that moment?

SPEAKER_02 46:58

I definitely didn't think they were gonna take it to the bedroom. They did, there was a scene, I think that episode where or the previous episode where she pleasured herself. And that it was the same episode. So, okay, so that episode she ple pleasured herself. And so my thoughts were that's as far as she's gonna let it go, is that he's gonna use his hand, it's not gonna get that intimate. And so I was okay with the moment when it stopped because I'm like, I feel like they prepared us to be like, oh, okay, like don't think your girl is that quaint. She does, you know, her way around the toy. So I think that was the director preparing us for that scene. So you're not like, so yeah, I you know, I wasn't surprised when the next moment happened. I mean, I was surprised when the next moment happened as far as what came out of his mouth. But I wasn't thinking that they were gonna, I wasn't thinking that they were gonna take it to the bedroom, honestly. And I didn't think that they were gonna if anything, I guess I probably thought they would have gotten caught to a certain extent by his mom. Or maybe you know, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 48:05

I didn't think it'd be his mom because she was also being entertained at the moment. But uh I thought by one of the friends, I mean they're gonna come check on her, like, is she okay? Um, and I thought that would be gonna bring a little more drama to the story because clearly that's a big no-no. But what he said, I was like, here we go again, being thrown 10 steps back. And then his face afterwards, like just total, like he was flabbergasted. Like, what? So if you don't remember, you know, he he says, like, Sophie, will you be my mistress? And the seductive, like, I can't imagine a woman would ever be like, Yes, I want to be your mistress. Who asks that?

SPEAKER_02 48:50

I don't know if mistresses, mistresses get asked, but I was shooketh when he asked, like, that was out at a left field. I was not expecting that. I don't know what I thought he was going to say or what words were were going to spew out of his mouth, but it was definitely not that. And if there are mistresses out there, my gosh, that's intense.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

But yeah, I guess I would want to know too. So yeah, so that's where we kind of let leave off with Sophie and Benedict is him putting his foot in his mouth again, pissing us all off, uh, pissing Sophie off. You know, she runs off, which I don't blame her. I I might have given him a right hook before I took off, but you're not even married.

unknown 49:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:36

That's crazy. Yeah. Like, why don't you take me out of the gutter? You know, that's crazy. So anyway, that's it. Damn it. Do been do better, Benedict. So while that happened, Lady Violet Bridgerton was getting her groove back in her own bedroom, same house. That's so weird. But she finally got it on with her man, Lord Marcus. And I was so happy for her. My gosh. I finally, first off, it's been a while. And she, I was surprised by her outfit. You know, even they even showed that moment, that intimate moment she had with herself, just looking at herself in the mirror. Like it's like she hadn't looked at herself in a long time.

SPEAKER_03 50:19

Right.

SPEAKER_01 50:20

And she's like, hey, I still got it. Yeah. And she had on that corset. And what did she say, like, oh, I'm the T for tonight or something? I don't know. I don't know what she said, but I loved it. I loved all of it. So I'm so happy for them. I wonder what that's gonna blossom into. So then we have Eloise, who was confronted by her younger sister as being self-involved. So we noticed that Eloise is a little bit different from the rest of her siblings. Um, she has no intentions of being married. She, you know, doesn't like the whole training and the etiquette and the practice and all that. And, you know, she doesn't want to host families over, like making sure everything's perfect because they're all like, you know, about all the details. Like she's just not into it. And finally, her sister's like, you know what? I just think you only care about yourself. And it's like she's stunned, like, whoa. So I'm curious to see how that's gonna emerge because we've just seen a lot of, I guess, negative come from Eloise, a lot of pushback from her. So I wonder how those words might impact her character for future episodes.

SPEAKER_02 51:28

Yeah, coming from her little sister, Louise is definitely the rebel. She's a black sheep, more so than her brother, but and right, you can see her expression change when her sister is just over it.

SPEAKER_01 51:45

So Lady Danbury is still working on trying to get out of town, basically, for we don't know what how long of a time. So then we have Lady Danbury who tricks Alice into being a lady in waiting for Queen Charlotte. So we know Lady Danbury is still trying to leave Bridgerton. She's trying to, or Mayfair, she's trying to leave, and um, Queen Charlotte just doesn't want her to go. So finally she's like, you know, let me find you a lady in waiting. I know someone, or I'm gonna find you someone who is gonna meet all of your needs. And she feels like Alice is the one. However, she doesn't tell Alice because she was afraid that Alice would get in the way of herself and also kind of ruin it for the both of them. Alice did not take it well when Lady Danbury congratulated her for becoming a lady in waiting. How do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_02 52:38

I think she approached it. Lady Danbury. I feel like she approached it accordingly. I feel that Alice would have gotten her head. Her husband was happy for the title when it was presented to both of them, which she realized what was actually happening. And so I feel that Lady Danbury has been there for years, and she wants to leave and live outside of being under the queen's wing. So I'm rooting for her to go. And I honestly I think she chose the perfect lady. I agree. Because she's, you know, she got a little smart mouth, and she's witty.

SPEAKER_01 53:22

She she can hold her own to the queen. Episode four ends with Lady Penwood and her daughters moving next door to Bridgerton House. Everybody was wondering who's it gonna be? Which big, wealthy family is it gonna be? And it's Lady Penwood. I didn't see that one coming, actually. I didn't I didn't even think about it. I guess I just didn't think I don't know. It wasn't on my radar. I thought it was gonna be like another new family we're gonna be introduced to. But it's Lady Penwood. So I'm like, ugh, you're gonna try to make Sophie's life difficult. Who knows what she's gonna hold over her head? So we shall see.

SPEAKER_02 53:56

We shall see and D. The plot thickens. Just when you think it's a Cinderella story.

SPEAKER_01 54:02

Just when you think we're getting somewhere. Just, you know, at least as far as Sophie and Benedict go. Yes. They just keep throwing a wrench at us. All right, Poris, thanks for sticking in there with us. I know it was a bit of a different episode, but this is who we are. I really do hope that anyone out there or whoever is listening. All right, Poris. So thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Pouring and Parenting. I know this episode was a little bit different. It was a little on the heavier side, but if we were able to reach any of you with what we said, I really hope that it does make a positive impact in your life. And please let us know if maybe there's anything you need to vent about. Because sometimes that's just what we need is we just need someone to listen and just help us get so much off our chest. So if we can be that for you, please let us be. You can send us a DM, email on social media wherever you find us, please you can reach out.

SPEAKER_02 55:03

Absolutely. And also, if you're not already following us on any of our social media platforms, please find us on Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, all those platforms out there. You can find us and you can reach us and connect with us. All right, thank you for listening to another episode of Pouring and Parenting, where SIP happens and we pour about it.