SPEAKER_00 0:03

Grab your glass and pull up a chair. It's time for your favorite girls' night in.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Pouring and Parenting, where your besties, Cell Ninish.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

We're here to laugh through the chaos. Hello, Poors. Let's start the show. Hey, hey, hey! Welcome back to another episode of Pouring and Parenting. It's your girl Einish. And I'm Sil. We are so happy that you are joining us again. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Today's episode is Push It to the Limits, and we have so much to cover. But before we get started, Sil, what did you pour into your cup today?

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Okay, so I think I poured this last week too, but it's so good. I am slightly addicted to this drink. It's that pineapple upside down drink where I use the whipped vodka, grenadine, and pineapple juice. That's my hub again today. Yummy. Yeah. And it's a glass.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

We can see it. Yeah. What did you pour? I poured a glass of wine. But hold on to your butts. It is a Sévignon Blanc. It's not a Pinot Grigio. I was OD'ing on the Pinot, and the Sauvignon has been a nice filler for the moment. Well, while I'm taking a break from the Pinot. Cheers. Okay, cheers. Okay. We have a lot to discuss. Again, the episode title is Push It to the Limit. And we're talking about boundaries. How far is too far? What's too much? What's not enough between your children and your relationships? Making sure that you're setting boundaries and keeping your peace. Before we deep dive, we're gonna talk about some hot topics. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about the rise of living apart together, also known as lat. So let me know if you've heard about this. I have not. Living apart together. Living apart together. Many couples are choosing separate homes to protect their independence, preserve personal routines, and reduce daily mundane conflict. Studies suggest around 20 to 30% of married couples have considered living separately to keep the relationship from feeling too heavy or stressful. So before I ask you a question, Sil, I do know that there's a famous couple in the celebrity world and they live in separate homes. And they've been married for many years, and they're both actors, and they're they appear happy. They're still married. You know, we don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but they live like that.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

Do you know anyone living like this? I do not know anyone living like this unless they're just like boyfriend, girlfriend. But married couples, no. I I don't I don't like it.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

I honestly don't. Okay, that was gonna be my next question. Is would that be something that you would consider? Does it sound enticing to you?

SPEAKER_01 2:52

No, because to me, I mean, are there times where I want my own space? Yes, but would I want to actually have a separate living arrangement from my husband? No, I wouldn't because our relationship is we see each other every day. We we go to bed together. You're part of my daily routine. What do you really fight about? Like, what are you fighting about? To get to that point, you mean? Yeah, like like we, you know, we have little disagreements here and there, but it's not anything where I'm like, oh, I gotta get out of here. In that case, like you might just not be meant to be, but to the point where you want to be so independent, you want to have your own personal routines, and you're trying to move away from conflict from this person, like maybe that's just not your person. I I don't know. And I wonder what the age range of these couples are because I could see an older couple where maybe they have been married before and want to be in a relationship, but you know what? I I do want my own space and and maybe for those reasons, but an actual married couple, I just like why being married. Like I I don't know. I don't like it.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Yes, it's definitely different. I don't know anyone in real life who's living like that. And you mentioned the age being uh a factor. I imagine younger couples are not playing that, but again, like you mentioned, perhaps it's a it could be, you know, a second marriage or whatever the case is, and I need my own space. You need your own space. We're married, but you live there, and I'm going to live here. So that's a trend. The next trend that we'll talk about is sleep divorce, separate bedrooms. Even when living together, many couples now opt for separate bedrooms to improve sleep quality, which is linked to better, better relationship satisfaction and fewer arguments. Is this something that you would entertain?

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Okay. First off, what do you argue about in your sleep? What's the problem that you cannot even be in the bedroom sleeping next to this person? Now, if they snore, but there's still for better or for worse. Like, where did that go out the window? Where did that go? Right definitely out the window. Because I don't understand. I I really don't. I don't like this either. Now, what I want, like step improved sleep quality. I think this is the opposite. I could be wrong, but I feel like I've I've read things where it says when you sleep next to that person you love, you get better rest. You get that just like that peace that you have being next to the one you love and it's like all the hormone, whatever. So, unless you just don't like that person and they make you so upset that they're breathing next to you, like, why? Once again, why are you with this person? I don't understand. I don't get it.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

You know, my thought is say you get an argument earlier that day and it hasn't been resolved, and now it's time to go to bed, but I'm still upset with you. I don't want to lay next to you. I'm still pissed about what you said this morning at breakfast. You haven't apologized. We haven't resolved the issue, and now we got to lay in the bed together? Absolutely not. I imagine that that's probably where that trend rooted from is we can just go to our separate bedrooms. And if we're having five good nights in a row, maybe we'll sleep in the same bed together those five nights. Or, but hey, I want to stretch out. We did what we did two diets in a row. I need a break. I don't want to tempt you. I got a headache. A separate bedroom could be handy instead of sleeping on the couch that might be uncomfortable. And you have your bed that you picked out. That's your bedroom. You keep your bedroom how you want to keep your bedroom. My bedroom is as is, and that's what it is. So not so much I hate your face or I hate the way you breathe, and not you breathing on every breath, but more so I got a headache tonight, or I was mad at you this morning or something.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Okay, so I I get that part, but you're talking about separate bedrooms. So the whole setup, like this is how I want my bedroom to be. Maybe it just keeps it alive. You know, it's like keeps it. I feel like at least for me, like, like, for example, you know, this is like really the only time when we don't sleep together, is if I fall asleep or he falls asleep in one of the kids' rooms. You know, and is it nice sometimes to have the bed to myself? Yes, but I still wake up and I find myself on my side of the bed. Like I stayed on, you know, like even if I start off in the middle, I end up back to my side. So it's not even like I'm really enjoying.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

We have a king-sized bed. Like, but if you had a separate bedroom, you would have a size bed for you.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

I get. I don't know. I just I just feel like it's one thing if you know what, yeah, I'm upset. I'm not gonna sleep this night, you know, I'll sleep on the couch, I'll sleep on one of the kids' rooms, whatever. But to have a whole separate, separate bedroom to me, I think it's just out of control.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

A lot. That's one extra bedroom. You gotta pay an extra thousand for that at least. Yeah. As far as rent goes, or if you own a house, that's an extra couple grand. Right? Like, can you imagine? We're talking three separate rooms just for two people.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Like, who keeps the room? Like, who would like if there would I think there would have to be a third room, right? The one for both of them. I wonder. And then they each get to like decorate the room, tell what they want.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

I don't see this is just too much thinking when they want to cohabitate together, as we're gonna so eloquently say, they meet in the master bedroom. You put a sock on the door or something. Right. Tonight's the next.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

This room is occupied.

unknown 8:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

So hey, that's apparently that's what they're doing out there in them streets.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

The last trend, you don't like it. I don't. And but I would honestly, I mean, not that I'm open to it, but I would be open to hearing someone who actually does this to know their perspective and like how and why it works for them. No judgment. I'm just curious. Yes. Again, maybe this is something I need and I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

I okay. The last trend is the pursuit of the purse of personal space, the pursuit of personal space. She sheds and man caves. For those sharing a home, the focus is on creating designated personal private areas to recharge with 89% of participants in a study agreeing that partners should have their own separate space. Man caves have always been a thing. She sheds, I feel, came into the picture. It could have been 15 years ago.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

So what do you think about that?

SPEAKER_01 9:36

Okay, this I can get on board on. Okay. So we got a winner. At one point, I did have my office in the house, and that was my space. But after I got pregnant, this became the baby's room. And this, I mean, we're recording it now. So her and I share a space at this point. But I would love, oh my gosh, I would love my own she shed. I can picture it so girly, just so cute and clean. No crumbs, no stains. Right. They're staints, they're wine stains. And even the man cave, I would not be opposed to my husband turning the garage into a man cave. We do park our cars in there, so it would be limited. But just to make that his own space, I'd be okay with that. I'm all about that.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Yes, yes, yes. And as the the trend stated, 89% of the participants in the study agreed that partners should have their own space. It just gives you a place of zen. You're in where your bubble that you want to be at, a comforting space, and you can recharge in a healthy manner and not feel like you need to hide in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour. Right. Just take extra long showers. Yeah, it's a designated space that everyone in the household knows about. Mom's in her she shed, dad's in his man cave. So I absolutely agree with that as well. I would love to have a she-shed and the same for my hubby to have his own space too. So that is definitely a good trend. We went from aggressive to very chill. Right. Yeah. Those three trends. Uh so pick one. I wonder if any of those resonate with any of our pores out there. If they do, don't be shy to send us a DM or email and let us know if you do any of those three trends because apparently they're popping.

unknown 11:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Yes. And if you have a you have a she shed, send us pictures. I want to see what they look like.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

And just live yes, through you. I would love to see what a she shed looks like. There's so many man caves out there, but yeah, I really don't see a lot of women creating she sheds online. I'm sure you want on Pinterest and find all the she sheds on there. Let's get into the meat of our show today. And we're talking about boundaries. Push it to the limit. We don't want you to fall over the edge. We don't want people to get so close that that last boundary was exhausted. And I'm done. We don't want you to get to I'm done. So we're gonna just talk about boundaries when it comes to kids and our partners. The first that we'll be discussing is kids and boundaries. Children feel safest and thrive when boundaries are clear, consistent, and set with love rather than control. Boundaries act as emotional scaffolding that helps children develop self-regulation and resilience, even though they may push against them. I know that as parents with your first child, one of the boundaries that a good majority that we all do is we're getting the gates. If you have stairs in your house, you are locking the cabinets, you're prepping your outlets to make sure that your child doesn't stick their little baby finger in there. So setting boundaries literally starts pre-birth for majority of parents. So my question is what does that look like with the baby and then with with the older son?

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Their age gap, about six years, it is different. And I can see that guest in the beginning when I first had my son, we did all of the cabinets and all that stuff that people do. Uh, I'm gonna tell you right now, we didn't do half the stuff with the second one. You know, you just learn, like, okay, was that really necessary to lock the toilet? No. Um, so with my son, some of the boundaries that I have for him are like, you cannot be in the room when I'm changing your sister, whether it's changing her diaper, changing her clothes. Um, and at first, when he was a little bit younger, and obviously she was a little bit younger, it wasn't like too big of a deal. I would still have him, especially you know, especially when I was changing her diaper. Look, we don't even gotta be right here. Um, and I told him, You're a boy, she's a girl. Um, so he understood, you know, I had to have that conversation with him. And same thing with him. Like, I need you to close the door when you use the restroom. He's so bad at that still. Um he just runs in in a hurry. He's like, Oh, I thought I closed it. And then you know, here she comes busting in. So trying to set those boundaries of, you know, you're a boy, she's a girl. There's just certain things that are not appropriate, especially at his age where he's just he's older, he's you know, maturing a little bit more. Um, same thing with like locking the doors. Um, and this is mainly for him, also, is that there was a point where he would go and unlock our doors. That's inappropriate, it's locked for a reason. He's like, Well, you were answering me. I don't care. I was changing, I was ignoring you. But you can't do that. So we have set those boundaries for him, and I try to try to explain it to him the best that I can. Um, as sometimes it's hard, sometimes I don't want to explain myself. Like, no, you because you just don't. But I didn't realize he's a blank slate, but as some things he just really doesn't know. And I need to verbally explain it and tell them as parents, sometimes we just assume that they know or that it's common sense. And it's not no, it's not. You have to break it down for them. For sure, we have our boundaries. Really quick, fun fact, scary fact about me. When you said about as parents, we know to basically make our house a baby safe zone. When I was a baby at my grandparents' house, where they did not baby proof anything, I did stick a key inside of the socket and got electrocuted. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So according to my mom, I shot back to the wall. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it was any permanent damage. You're good. You're good with me. If you see something weird, a little twitch. It could be just a little electric current in me. But yeah, goodness. Yes, that is one thing that I don't remember that incident I was really young. I do remember that, right? I remember my mom telling me that. So that's one thing I have made sure to do is to make sure that all of my sockets have those little plastic plugs. But other than that, baby proofing has gone out the window.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

Yeah, we didn't baby proof much of anything. I told them not to do it, and both of them really listen. They they didn't do, hey, close that cabinet. They wouldn't go in the cabinet. That's it. They didn't put any weird objects in sockets or anything like that. Thank God. And as far as boundaries go in the house, one of the biggest things that I took from my parents was don't bring your friends in our bedroom. That's one boundary that we have for the household when our son has friends over. And he did it one time and they were jumping on the bed, losing their. It was a and I had to tell him, because then in that moment, I'm like, I don't know if I've really told you that that was a boundary to not cross. And I had to explain to him, I have two boys. The boys are being boys, they hang out when they hang out. If anything, the boundary is more on me now. I'm the only woman in the house, and there's a line that I've been able to draw with mommy's doing this, so you can't come in here when mommy's doing that. And so I'm making sure to instill that in them as boys becoming young men and so on that hey, mommy's a girl, and you have to respect mommy's privacy. And the same with any other woman when you get older to respect their space and their privacy and to get permission. Make sure you're asking before you get to that space. So uh, is there are there any boundaries amongst the siblings that you've had to implement or put into effect outside of making sure that your son's out of the room when diapers are being changed?

SPEAKER_01 17:42

I do have boundaries with my kids specifically between the two of them. So, for example, um, if the baby tells Benny to stop, I tell him, like, whatever you're doing, you need to stop immediately. And so whether it's pushing each other or just in her face, she says stop, you need to stop. And um it's kind of an issue because you know they they just play so much that he thinks, Oh, I'm just playing. It's like, no, like I don't want this to be an issue. If she is telling you to stop, you need to stop immediately, not when you feel like it. And then for her, she likes to hit him and he just thinks it's funny. But I'm also like, no, because eventually you're gonna get tired of it, and there needs to be some type of respect between you guys. So that's one thing I've been trying to work on.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

Yeah, having those boundaries are necessary with starting in the home with hopes that your child carries that out into society and understands people have boundaries and you have to respect their boundaries. If my son is in a mood, he he'll go into his room and close the door and chill out. Um I've been teaching him breathing exercises to help him control his frustrations in a calmer manner. But if he does go in his room and close the door, I tell the baby he needs his space and he's just taking a beat too. So making sure the baby respects his brother's boundaries. The last thing that we're talking about with this are boundaries with but with the kids and mom and dad. You touched based on that. And for me, I and I guess I I I touched based on that as well with being the only woman in the house, is making sure that I teach these boys that it's different. Mommy needs her girl space and my my girl time. And they used to come in when I would take a shower. They wouldn't bust in the shower curtain, but they're walking in and yapping. And now they don't do that anymore. I'll tell them mommy's about to take a shower, I'll be out when I'm out. And they respect that, they'll yell outside the door, and they just won't even enter the bathrooms. I made that boundary very loud and clear. Let's move on. Let's talk about boundaries within the marriage. Boundaries in marriage create a safe, respectful environment by defining individual limits, protecting emotional, physical well-being, and fostering trust. They prevent codependency and resentment, ensuring both partners feel secure, respected, and free to grow individually while maintaining a strong, intimate connection. So, with you and your hubby, let's talk about boundaries when it comes to privacy with the phone, social media passwords. Is that an open, free-for-all in your house? What does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 20:25

So uh we kind of touched base on episode 23, but I will say that I do share my password with him, um, my phone password, and he has given me his password as well. So that there's no issues with that. Um, we don't really have too many boundaries when it comes to our cell phones. If there's something he wants to see, I don't care. I'm not hiding anything, and vice versa. We share the same bank account. You know, I don't just like snatch his phone and go through it. Yes. He doesn't do that that to me either. We respect each other's boundaries, but we also have very little boundaries when it comes to our phones.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

Yeah, and we're talking about that a little later on as far as how to approach setting these boundaries. So you're not snatching phones out of hands. I've been there, done that in my younger days in relationships. And definitely not now. As you mentioned, we did discuss this in a c an episode or two back. And it's an open book. And I think making sure that you have that conversation in the beginning or at some point in your relationship to understand what the boundaries are so you're not looking like a ninja and like you're breaking into a bank trying to get to the person's phone and becoming a con artist with figuring out past words and stuff. So um what about with meeting new people? Is that a boundary that you've discussed or has it been an issue before? Drake has a song, No New Friends. How is how does that look in your marriage?

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Okay, so that part is interesting because I'm antisocial. I don't really like to talk to people. But my husband, he's not the type that's gonna go out of his way to meet and introduce himself to other people, but he will carry a conversation if someone approaches him. So he does get approached by women and they're really friendly with him. And there was one case where I was annoyed, not by him, because he's just trying to be a nice guy, but it's women that I don't trust. It was a couple seasons ago we were at the soccer park and we're all on the sideline, and there was one mom who was sitting next to her husband, by the way, and her and my husband start having a conversation about like the game. So I I don't care, but I'm there, I could hear what is going on. And then they just keep talking and she's asking him questions, and then he involved me in the conversation, which I'm like, okay, Bravo. Yeah, right. And so then I talked to her for a little bit, and it was just like worse in a way. But then I was like, You're not gonna be the only one talking to my husband, but not me. Um she actually goes to the gym that we go to, and I had never noticed her before. Um, and apparently she approached my husband a few times, just asking him about the game or practice. She would go out of her way to say hi to him. And he would tell me. And I would run into her at the gym, and she would not say hi to me.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Hmm, sneaky. So sneaky, little Jezebel.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

He's like, I don't want to be like rude if she comes up to me. I I don't have any trust issues with him because he's like, I don't know why she's coming up to me. Like, I'm freaking working out. Like she found me, and I still see her till this day. And she still doesn't say hi to me, which I don't care. But I'm just like ma'am. Right, yeah, like I don't trust you. I don't. And even so we do set boundaries like that. It's more communication, not so much boundaries, but like he will tell me when things happen. Another boundary that we do have that I've been very uh vocal about is the way that we talk to each other. So we have boundaries in as far as the respect and the communication between us, even if we're in a heated argument, which rarely happens, you can't cuss at me. Like you're not gonna just talk to me any old way. That's something I will not put up with. I see it in couples, and I personally don't like it. It's just so disrespectful. So that's been a huge boundary uh for us, and it works. Our arguments don't escalate because we have those boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

That's great. That's great. We're gonna also jump into that a little later as we progress with this episode. My husband and I have known each other for years, and we've argued, we've yelled, we've set boundaries, we've broke boundaries, we've surpassed boundaries, forgot boundaries, we've done it all. And we've found ourselves in a place to where we definitely have a better understanding of what the boundaries are, what we can and can't do, what we can and can't surpass. And having that understanding, as far as like meeting people goes, I'm more of the social butterfly and I yap it up with people, but I've become more and more of a hermit. My husband has a very social job and he's talking and meeting people constantly on a daily basis and interacting with them. We we talk about our days, we're not meeting new people and making new friends. Again, if if someone was to make a new friend, it would most likely be me out on a drunken night on in the town. I'm like, call me later, girl. I'd be such an awkward don't talk, don't hit on me because I'm I don't even know what that even feels like. Oh I'm just weird. So, okay, so I ultimately I feel we're in the same boat as far as just keep it over there. Don't bring that over here. Stay away from a husband. You see the ring, we're married, and do you? But don't bring that over here. Right. Okay, the last thing that we're gonna talk about is poly relationships. Polyamory is the practice of having or being open to multiple romantic relationships simultaneously with the consent and knowledge of all involved, emphasizing ethical, honest, and community non-monogamy. All parties agree to the structure and it is on the rise with roughly one-third of American singles having engaged in it. Neo comes to mind for me. Neo has like three girlfriends. And they all, oh, I would even say Nick Cannon is in a poly relationship. He got like 13 kids. I think he has another one on the way.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

No, I love Neo's voice. I'll give him that. But you have these girls because you have money. You can afford all these girls. Nick Cannon can afford all his baby's mamas and their baby. So many baby mamas.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

I I met Neo. I'm all name-dropping. Like, who am I? Who am I? I did meet Neo once at a bar so many years ago. He was a one-woman man as far as I was, you know, he was looking for an independent woman. I can't think of that song, but there it is, Miss Independent. Yeah. And very charming. I can see, and he wasn't hidden on me by any means, but very approachable, very charismatic. We spoke, it was real brief. I might have taken a picture with him, or the person I was with took a picture with them, but we chatted with them. Really, really nice. I can see if that's his energy around women, how he has three girlfriends, and I can see why they would all be happy, I guess, outside of the fact that he's paying for everything and he's taken care of financially. I'm assuming we don't know the the actual dynamic in it. But Polly is typically a man with multiple women. Clearly, based on what we just spoke. What we just both spoke on. Neither one of us are playing that. We're not sharing our husbands with any other woman.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Heck no.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

And we're not gonna play that game. But why do you think it's such a thing?

SPEAKER_01 27:55

I think because people who are insecure and have some deeply rooted issues that having one person love them or care for them isn't enough. They just need more and they're they're not being fulfilled. But I don't even think it's the people in their lives. I think it's them in general that need some type of help so that they can feel that love because you really should not need people like that. You want people to compliment you, the person that you're with, but if you need all these people to feel like you're whole, like I think it's something a little more deeply rooted.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

It seems it's a constant search for fulfillment and not being alone, perhaps the fear of what if we break up or we lose the spark. They're not even allowing themselves to get to that place. They are already prepared for, I'm assuming in their head, the inevitable. Hey, I have three women. I'm not gonna get bored off all three of them. And if I'm bored from one, I have two more to deal with. And I've there are so many poly people out there. I know polygamy is a big thing in Utah, and they have those states specifically for that. And a lot of these young women are being exposed to that. And I'm I don't even think that they realize what they're even that there are other options. Like you don't have to do that. But right, the just the environment that they've grown up in. I feel a lot of the women that get in these polygamous relationships, specifically in the Utah Lower Idaho area, don't realize that there's more fish in the sea, girl. You ain't gotta settle for what you got going on in your village or what have you.

SPEAKER_01 29:36

So that's like brainwashing, I think, in in those areas, those cultures or cults, whatever you want to call them. Because why is it the man? Why is it the man that needs to be fulfilled by so many women? You don't see, I mean, I could be wrong, but one woman with a bunch of husbands.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

There is a village out there that exists.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

Is there really? Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Yes, interesting.

SPEAKER_01 29:59

There is a village. Even then, like you know, whether you're a woman or a man in that situation where you have one partner but they have many more. How could you feel loved and wanted when you're sharing, oh, that's not my night tonight, or it's not my day today? Like, I think people should have that one person, that one person that you can go to for everything and be your rock and your your just you know, the your best friend, not someone that you have to share with others. Like what, like in that case, just be friends. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:33

And not put the title on it. So the title is definitely the territorial aspect of it.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

Just snap.

SPEAKER_00 30:37

And that's a boundary that we're not willing to let enter our space. We're not, we're that's absolutely that's a line, and you've crossed a line. There is no polyamory in our marriages. That's definitely a boundary that is to the extreme. We're doing one extreme to the next on today's on today's episode. So that's gonna be a short-lived topic. Hang tight. We're gonna talk about how to introduce the discussion of setting your boundaries within your relationship with your partner and with your children. But before we jump into that, we are gonna break into the mid-show game and get some laughs out of you all. And you can play along with us with sing to me. So still, do your thing.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

All right, so the way it goes is I will be reading Ainash a question based on song lyrics. The goal is for her to not only answer it correctly, but to sing the answer back to me. Then we will switch up. All right, let's go. Let's go.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Okay, in a dow's someone like you. She says we were born and raised in a what?

SPEAKER_00 31:46

It's a chorus, it's a it's a verse. It is a verse on a farm. What? Absolutely not a farm.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

We were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days. Yeah. I couldn't think so.

SPEAKER_00 32:04

Jump straight into a summer haze. I don't think I would have got it. The f I know it, but I don't, I'd be saying words. All right. What did they not share in Maya's song Case of the X? Because y'all didn't share no kids. Wait, no.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

Because y'all didn't have no kids. Didn't share no mutual friends.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

And you told me that is correct. Ding ding ding ding ding.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

Okay. And showstopper by Danity Kane. What are all the boys trying to taste?

SPEAKER_00 32:34

I don't know. Showstopper now. Is that the same? Is that what are they?

SPEAKER_01 32:39

What are all the boys trying to taste? Her milkshake. Candy cane.

SPEAKER_00 32:47

No.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

Isn't that right?

SPEAKER_01 32:50

Oh the boys trying to taste our candy cane. Oh the boys trying to taste our candy pie.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

Candy pie. Candy pie. Candy cane. Candy rain. Okay. This song is from my motone Mondays. What do the temptations say to themselves in their song, Just My Imagination? She I don't I don't think I know. I know the song. You definitely know the song. I never know. Like if they're talking to dear lord. But what do they say to themselves? Okay. It's like a sad song. Is it a love song? It's kind of like a sad song. Like, are they creeps? Do I like creepy guys? I tell myself. She'll be back. No, ma'am. I don't know. Is that your financial? I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_01 33:34

Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I'll get to it.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

Say to myself, yes sir. Yes, such a lucky. Lucky guy. Oh yeah. I wasn't getting to that. Dang it. Yeah. Yeah, you went to the end of the song. All right. Well played. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Don't be shy to email us or DM us, let us know how you're doing with these games. Because ain't no shame in my game. I don't be knowing half the songs she be talking about, but I don't mind playing. Still fun for me. Okay. We're going to get to the second half of today's episode. Push it to the limit. We're going to talk about setting crystal clear boundaries. We're going to help you all. If you are in a place of, I don't know how to set boundaries. Everything you're saying sounds great, but how do I implement that into my real life? Let's give you some tips for success. The first we're going to be discussing are children. At the top of the show, we talked about boundaries with our kids. And how do you implement that? How do you make that real life work for you and your household? The tips for success, they have the four C's. We are all about letters around here. And let your kids letters and numbers. We are definitely pouring in parenting. You could tell we mama is for real. The first C that we'll talk about and still will carry on the next C is clear. State the boundary simply and positively. For example, food stays on the table instead of don't throw your food. So make sure that you're making a very clear direction with your child. You set the boundary. You're not necessarily making a demand, but you're implementing a rule that needs to be in alignment with the household. Making sure that you're not being overly aggressive with your child and frustrated will help the child better understand that, oh, okay, mom means business. The food needs to stay on the table. Are they gonna try you? Yes. Kids are gonna try your boundaries. They may throw it on the floor again.

SPEAKER_02 35:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

But stay in character, keep your cool, walk away if you need to. Inhale, exhale.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

All right, so consistent. Rules should be applied the same way every time by all caregivers. This could be difficult, especially when one parent does things one way and the other does another way. And then like grandma comes over, they do their things their way. Um, but it has to be said across the board. Everyone needs to know what the rules are, what the boundaries are, and how they should be applied. That way, there's no question. This is how it's done. You know better already, and even explain that to them. It doesn't matter who's with you at the time, the boundaries of boundary, making sure that it's clear and consistent. That way there's no room for negotiating, debating.

SPEAKER_00 36:28

The next C is calm. Enforce boundaries with a steady tone, not in anger, to model emotional regulation. That is so big. It's difficult, but it definitely helps the situation. Your reaction, being around your kids, they're gonna mimic what you do. If you're yelling and huffing and puffing, two days later, later, your child will be yelling at their sibling and mimicking you. But if you implement a calm tone, crazy enough, they'll implement a calm tone. And again, I know that is difficult, especially if you have multiple kids running around and tensions are running high and your cup has been on E for five days, two weeks, a month. But if you can find that space of calm and change the narrative within your household, the kids will follow suit. You got the baby talking like mommy to their older sibling because they see mommy yelling, and they're gonna do that too. So just enforce boundaries, be steady, be patient, and do the best that you can. It may not come out perfect the first time. You got it. We believe in you. Also modeling that so you can see it and not just hear me tell you to do it because what you heard me say might be different in your little baby brain versus me doing it, you know.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

Right. And they sometimes they think they they take things so literal, and you know, you just don't know what they're they're gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

I've seen videos and dad's like, keep your eye on the ball. And the baby puts her eye on the ball.

SPEAKER_01 38:05

It's on the ball. Yeah, exactly. So model what you want of your children, that way everyone is on the same page. Yes. Our last C consequences follow through with natural or logical consequences. So, for example, if a toy is thrown, it is put away. If they throw a toy, that doesn't mean now you're grounded for a week. It has to be logical, it has to go with the offense. Just following through as well is huge because if it's one time I'll let it slide, then they're gonna push that boundary. I don't know when they stop doing that, but that is their job is to push the boundaries. How far can I push my parents? You have to follow through in order to get those boundaries across to where they're doing as they should and not as they want.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

Yes, kids will push it to the limit. Parents stay strong out there in the streets. Parenthood is ghetto. The last thing we will, the last thing that we're gonna talk about today is marriage. We're gonna help you in marriage or relationship. If you're in a relationship, if you're thinking about marriage, whatever your situation is, we're gonna help you prepare to have the conversations with your partner. We're talking preparation and self-reflection. Identify your own needs. Make sure that you understand exactly what you want before you have a sit down with your partner about the boundaries that you're about to implement within the relationship. If you don't know what you need, what you about to sit up there and talk about? Identify what you want before you sit down with your partner. You need to understand what are my boundaries. Make sure that the root of your boundaries are coming from a place of love. Boundaries isn't, it shouldn't be for punishment. You did this, and now I'm punishing you. Whatever your boundaries are, make sure that it's rooting from a place that this is something that I like and I really want my partner to nurture that. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want that for our relationship. That's a place from love. No one wants to be yelled at, uh, unless you're into that, fetish. But for the most part, so make sure you identify your own needs and it roots from a place of love and do not wait until you're in the moment of a crisis. Y'all are yelling and you're making threats and it's ugly. Had you had the discussion and identified what you needed with your partner before, you wouldn't have to wait until you get into the crisis place. If you're married, about to be married, and you haven't had this that discussion, try it out.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

Yeah, and if you don't have an open line of communication, then there are some other issues there that need to be resolved. ASAP. We have communication. Use I statements. Um, I learned this when I took a communications class. I will tell you right now, I will never forget that communications class. For example, I feel hurt when you yell at me. I feel belittled when you talk to me in this way. So you put it on yourself first, and then you kind of put it on them because they're the ones causing you that pain. But it starts with the I. And this is how I feel. You put it on you and you put it on them.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 41:19

So, yes, use those I statements. Be specific and clear. And sometimes in the heat of the moment, it is very hard to be clear because your mind is so jumbled. Don't have these conversations when you're in that space. If you are just going at it for whatever reason, that is not the time. You have to cool off. Both parties need to be cooled off, or the communication goes straight out the window. You cannot listen to anyone who's yelling at you, and you can't hear anybody who you're yelling at. It just doesn't work that way. Co-create boundaries, they don't have to be one-sided. Work on these boundaries together. You that way you both have a buy-in. These are what we both agree to. Hey, you know, you're you're a team. Work together to make these boundaries work for each other. And you might even feel better about these boundaries because you know that you're both in it together.

SPEAKER_00 42:12

Yes, together is gonna make it better. Put that on the shirt. The uh, we're gonna discuss types of boundaries to consider if you're trying to figure out what are my boundaries, where do I even start? We got you. Time protecting quality time together and ensuring individual time for self-care or hobbies. Make sure that you consider what the benefit of the boundary is gonna help you. Protect your space, protect your energy, make sure that your cup is full or you're working on refilling your cup and making time for those hobbies that you might have not made time for. That's gonna help everyone in the situation. It's not a selfish move because you want to take self-care.

SPEAKER_01 43:01

It's hard to do, but you have to protect it for sure. Absolutely. Next is communication. Like we just discussed, setting rules for conflict. No yelling, no name calling. If you're together and the yelling starts, just go to separate rooms until you're really ready to have a mature conversation. Don't call him out his name or her out her name. Set those rules that way you know exactly how to navigate any conflicts you may have.

SPEAKER_00 43:28

Privacy and digital life. Respecting personal space and not snooping. We spoke about this earlier. I used to do it. But that wasn't healthy. There's videos out there now of they have the light going on and off, and the woman's getting closer and closer to the phone, or she's acting like she's asleep and then she's not, or something. There's a lot of little funny videos out there on social media about snooping and the opposite of what we're saying. But those are jokes. In real life, don't snoop in their phone. If you feel like you need to do that in your relationship, that's a Discussion that needs to be had. You two need to discuss boundaries and why you feel the need to sneak into your partner's phone. Have a discussion. Privacy is just that, even with your husband or your wife, still exists. And just because you're married, you don't own them. Where is that line? To make sure you don't cross right.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

I agree. Have those conversations. It's not always gonna be pretty. Sometimes there's just those awkward conversations that need to happen. Just have them, get it over with. Have you got it? It's probably not as bad as you think it's gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 44:34

Neo and Nick Cannon had the conversation and got a bunch of girlfriends out of it. So it worked out for them.

SPEAKER_01 44:42

Imagine having this conversation.

SPEAKER_00 44:45

So have the conversation about the phone. There are there are worse conversations to be had. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

All right. And last but definitely not least is financial. This can honestly be a make or break topic for some couples. Being transparent about money, setting limits on spending. Whatever it is that you do, however you handle your money when you are married, that has to be a discussion. Eventually you're gonna share some type of bill. How is that gonna get paid? Is it fair that one partner gets to do whatever they want with and the other one has to pay all the bills? No, that's gonna cause issues. So you need to be transparent about money. When I first met my husband, I didn't even have a job and I was in debt. So at that point, I had no choice but to tell him what the heck was going on. And after I finally got a job and we we discussed my debt, and I actually got out of debt, he added me to his bank account. Oh and I've had it since. You have to be transparent. If you have bad spending habits, please let them know that. And even if you choose to have separate accounts, still make sure that you all know where the money is going and it's fair across the board. If you're both big spenders, you definitely need limits. We have what we have because of those hard, awkward talks that we had in the beginning. Someone has to be responsible with it. Thank God it's not me.

SPEAKER_00 46:06

Someone has to be responsible indeed. Like so said, have those difficult conversations. At the end of the day, you chose this person, that person chose you, and you're gonna spend the rest of your lives with each other. Have the conversation, get all that gritty stuff out of the way. Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end of the episode, and we hope that you are able to take some notes and insight from what we said. Today was a deep dive into boundaries within marriage and with our children. So remember to pour into all of the things that matter while also remembering to take the time to refill your own cup.

SPEAKER_01 46:50

Boundaries aren't walls to keep people out. They're there to help all parties involved. If we don't set boundaries, then we lose the very foundation that's being built. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Pouring and Parenting, where sip happens and we pour about it.