SPEAKER_00 0:03

Grab your glass and pull up a chair. It's time for your favorite girls' night in.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Pouring and Parenting. We're your besties, Sill and Ainish. We're here to laugh through the chaos. Hello, Poors. Let's start the show. Hi, and welcome to another episode of Pouring in Parenting. I'm Sill. And I'm Anish. Thank you for tuning in. Einish, how is it going out there?

SPEAKER_00 0:25

It's going really good. It's starting to become humid out here in good old Texas. So we got well, the bug spray, the mosquito bug spray is out. We're spraying the kids down before we step out the door. And such is life. How are you doing out there in sunny California?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

It's been nice and sunny. Can't complain. The bugs are out, but probably don't measure up to Texas. So I'll just be grateful for that. No ma'am. I miss the Cali bugs.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Oh my gosh. Oh okay. Al, what are you drinking today? Today I poured another old fashioned and I added orange juice. I've been using pre-mixed old fashions. This is a new brand. And I apologize. I cannot remember the brand. I've on the rocks, maybe that feels right. Okay. Could be wrong, but let's go with that. On the rocks, it's really strong. So I added orange juice a couple weeks ago or a week ago, who knows when I said it. But all they do is just wiggle an orange wedge over it to get the fluorescence of an orange pill in old fashion. But these are strong. So any other night I probably wouldn't mind, but I gotta stay kind of sober for the show. Okay. Okay. What about juice?

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Um today I just cracked open a white claw, black cherry. However, I've been sitting here for a while because I've been doing some other stuff. So it's like halfway gone. Unfortunately, the next one in my fridge was I knew it. Mango. Um. Yeah. So I'll drink it. So white claws, a black cherry is my flavor. Yes. Okay. Mango, you know, it's it's not my fave. So if you ever want to collaborate on a flavor, I'm your girl.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

We'll just get rid of mango.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Well, cheers. Cheers to the black chair. Cheers to the black cherry.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Woo-hoo. And the orange. All right. So for today's episode, we are reflecting on our past. So do our past lives, so pre-marriage, pre-kids, have a negative effect on how we view ourselves or live life now? Do the skeletons in our closet weigh us down more than we even realize? And if so, how can we move past them in a healthy way that will restore our inner peace and let us live the lives that we deserve? Okay, so there's gonna be a whole lot that we unpack. But hopefully it's something that you need to hear or something that you can share with others. So moving on into our first segment, I steered away a little bit from hot topics and trends, and it's more stats, just because I felt it was relevant to today's episode. So first stat number one: nearly 5% of US adults report life dissatisfaction. 47% state they were very satisfied, and 20% remain outright dissatisfied. 20% is a lot. Like for overall all life satisfaction, 20% to be outright dissatisfied is a whole lot. That's awesome that 447% are satisfied, but still I that's just sad. It makes me sad for those 20%. Because what in life has you so dissatisfied? And I know life is tough, you know. There's economics and politics and just life struggles. Um the next stat, up to 20%, up to 26% of American adults have struggled with mental health disorders. Personally, I feel like that's higher, you know, because there's so many who have these issues and they don't say anything to anybody. Yeah, they keep it to themselves. So I would personally feel like, yes, undiagnosed, just you know, maybe don't know what the symptoms are, may feel like nope, it's just, you know, I'm having a bad moment, but you know, it could be mental health disorders and they don't know. So I do think that number is um relatively higher. People dealing with high psychological distress are at a 25% higher risk for severe health issues, including cardiovascular disease, stroke, and dementia. Which makes sense. Having high stress, it just takes a toll on your body. And if you're dealing with it for a really long period of time, you know, you don't get any help, you just kind of you know, dust it under the rug or sweep it under the rug, I should say. Uh and it's gonna take a toll on your body, it's gonna take a toll on your heart, you know, and all the other stuff, you know, high blood pressure, all that, and then of course dementia. And we don't want any of that. So hopefully what we speak about today can um push people or help people to get the help that they need.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Yes, absolutely. We're here to help as best as we can.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Right. Okay, so we are going to dive into our personal stories first, because just like you guys, we also have, you know, a past. We have decisions that we've made that could possibly affect our daily lives today. Okay. We, you know, we all go through stuff, we all have bad times, make bad decisions, poor decisions, but that doesn't make us bad people. Okay. But many people, unfortunately, they let the past define who they are today. Oh, because I did this, I'm a bad person, or you know, I'm not worthy of much, or I'm not worthy of love or relationships or having, you know, a good job or career. So, Ainish, do you beat yourself up for bad decisions or mistakes you made in your past?

SPEAKER_00 5:44

I feel that I might have used to, and just the topic of discussion discussion makes me think of a TLC song called Fan Mail. And the chorus of it is just like you, I get lonely too. And they're just the lyrics of the song, they're just reaching out to their to the fans that can't reach them, and they they're obviously receiving all the mail, and people are just saying how much they relate to them and they can connect to them. And so in my past, have I made bad decisions? All of us have. I've definitely made some decisions, and honestly, I don't I try not to let it build fire and anger inside of me to stop me from propelling forward. So I want to say no. I I don't beat myself up overall. Do I are there times where the thoughts may come up and I think about some of the of the decisions that I've made? Yes. But I wouldn't say that I'm beating myself up about the decisions to the point that it's affecting my everyday life. So, but I do I do think about some of the decisions that I've made. But also I feel that the decisions that I've made have made me the person that I am today, too. And I I feel very comfortable with where I'm at in my life.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Okay. All right, and I like that because yes, there whether you make bad decisions, wrong decisions, whatever decisions you make in your past, what you go through in life does mold you into who you are today. Um, and you know, you learn from those experiences. There's there's that personal growth that comes with it. However, there's people who, for whatever reason, maybe it's just something very traumatic, very bad, or just the guilt and shame that's associated with the decisions that they make, they have a harder time moving past it because of all that negative talk in their heads. Would you, is it safe to say that based on the decisions that you've made in your past, whatever they may be, um, even though yes, that you might still think about them here and there, have you forgiven yourself for those decisions?

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Yes, a hundred percent. I definitely have forgiven myself. I've forgiven that old me, and I've gotten rid of the what-ifs and the should ofs or whatever my thought process is for certain situations. But a hundred percent, yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Okay, awesome. And um, obviously that could be easier said than done, right? But I'm sure what you know, was it a process, do you feel? Or is there anything that you did, or you just kind of was like, you know what, that's the past, kind of just I chin up type thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

I think a lot of it has to do with definitely processing. And for me, I've been able to break down my decisions that I've made. And if I go back into that moment in time, I'm understanding where I was at in that life and the decision that I made aligned. And for me and where I felt I was going, that was the direction that I needed to go, which is why the decision needed to be made. But I know that again, that's easier said than done, and other people can develop anxiety and and PTSD and just have different sets of trauma for decisions that they potentially could have made in unhealthy situations. But fortunately for me, I I don't feel any regrets or negativeness about the decisions that I've made. And I've definitely forgiven myself about I've forgiven myself with the decisions that I've made in the past, I've moved forward, and I yeah, I feel good about format.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Awesome. I'm I'm glad I hear that because like I said, not everyone is able to get to the point where you're at. Um so a little bit about myself and one of the influences for today's episode, which we we titled Um The Old Me is Dead and Gone, um, is that there was a time in my life where I did feel that my past really influenced how I lived, how I felt about myself, felt shame, I felt guilt. And not to say that I was a bad person, I wasn't going out and doing all these like horrible things, but what I was doing was my parents would not be very pleased to hear about the stuff that I I was doing. And you know, I'm talking about maybe anytime from about the age of 15 to like 22. So about maybe roughly seven years of my life, I was wild. Like I wild it out. You know, there was I was very promiscuous. I just made bad decisions, I drank a lot, just the stupid decisions that I that I made. So I feel like I learned and there was personal growth. Yes, because I feel like when I got to the point like, okay, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to be this person anymore. I I knew what I wanted and I didn't want in my life, and I was able to move forward and become a better me. But that still did haunt me. Like I could I would still go back and think about the stuff and feel like those things I wasn't worthy for. And um, and it was just like a lot. And I that's not something I wanted like to talk to people about because it's embarrassing. Like I like I said, I felt shame for stuff that I did. And it's just so like why? Why was I like this? And I can't even say that I was like that for a particular reason. I didn't have trauma. I had very good parents who raised me right. I let them down. And I knew that. Like, you know, they didn't raise me like that. And you know, how embarrassing if they were to find out some of the stuff that I've done. And I confessed some stuff to my mom. She's just like, oh my God. Um but still, like I just felt there was a part of me that needed to be restored because I didn't want to feel that shame. And when I looked at my husband or when I looked at my kids, I just felt something wasn't quite right. But I also understood, okay, that is my past. I am nowhere near the same person that I was seven years ago, you know, or however long ago that was. And so I started looking into like forgiving myself. And how can I do that? Well, first I had to accept the fact that I did this shit. I did the stupid, I made the stupid decisions, I was there, I knew what I was doing. There's no excuses. Like there's no excuses. I knew exactly what I was doing. I had to own it. Just just own it. Um I feel like that's like the first step to acknowledge that yes, I I was, you know, I don't want to say I was a grown-ass woman because I started off as a dumb kid. Okay, like own it. Yes, do I regret some stuff? Yes. Okay, not everything, because like I said, it was a learning experience, but there's some stuff, yeah, I would take that one back. Um there was the realization, the acceptance of my wrongs, but it's like, okay, how how do I move past this? And I felt like for a while I was okay, but then little by little I started kind of feel like, no, there's something missing. Like there, there is something missing here. I don't feel like I could, like I'm totally cleansed, if that makes sense. And not necessarily for this reason, but I had been going to church, and church has been one of those things, kind of like my workout routine. Sometimes I work out hardcore and then I just fall off for a while. And it's like same vicious cycle. Um, and I had been knowing that I wanted to get baptized uh for a while, but once again, part of me felt I wasn't worthy. I'm not worthy of getting baptized. I've just done so much stuff that it's just I'm not, I'm not there. I think I just needed that time to finally realize, and I got this from going to church, that I am worthy and that I do have a past, but I acknowledge that that I lived that way and that it was wrong, and I'm trying to move forward and I'm not like that anymore. I'm not gonna repeat those same mistakes anymore, and that God loves me and He died for my sins. And no, I'm not gonna make this into like a whole religious thing, but this is my story here. And so I was holding back for a while from being baptized. Um, one of the biggest things was that my dad is the one who introduced me to the church, to the Christian church, and he's no longer here. And I felt that if I got baptized with him no longer being here, that I would just lose it. Like I just, I would just feel I would just become overwhelmed with emotion. So that was one of the reasons that I held back for a while. Um, but my son, my son came to me and at this time he was eight, he just turned nine, um, and he told me he wanted to be baptized. And I thought it's because he saw one of his older cousins get baptized. I love that for you, but I I want to feel like you're more ready. So I I took the initiative to start going to church more often after a while of consistently going to church, and he goes to the um, like the kids services and he has fun and he he learns things. And to my surprise, he knew more than than I thought. Um, at the Easter service that we went to, they announced that the following week they were gonna be doing baptisms. And that Easter service was a very, very touching thing. I was so moved and I felt, okay, I'm ready. And the it was so crazy that after feeling that moments later, they announced baptisms. And my heart kind of dropped, is this gonna be it? Is this when I do it? So I brought it up to my son's attention and he's like, I want to be on a test. I want to do it. He told me I gotta wait. Now like I'm ready. And so I felt, okay, I can't take this away from him, and I think this is that push that I need. And it really was. It's so weird sometimes how God works, you know, like he worked his magic or his spirit through my son. And so, sure enough, the next week, you know, I signed us up online. We filled out paperwork, engineers and stuff. And because he was so young, they wanted to have a conversation with him first. And they were asking him, like, why do you want to be baptized? Like, do you know what it means? His answers were he just like knocked it out of the park. Nothing was rehearsed, you know. Like, I didn't tell him, okay, make sure you say this or make sure you say that. I was nervous. I didn't know what was gonna come out of this kid's mouth because he says some crazy stuff sometimes. But I'm listening to him and I am just tearing up. And you know I'm a crybaby, but I'm just tearing up because it was just so beautiful. He knew exactly what the resurrection was. He knew what it meant to be baptized, he knew, you know, he just all his answers he knew, and it was in his own words, his own interpretation of what he's learned throughout um his time going to church services. So I was just so, so proud of him at that moment. So yeah, I was once again crying like a baby. And so then they told me that when we get baptized, we can be in there together. So he would get baptized first and I can help dunk him in the water. And I was like, what? Oh my gosh, I would that meant more to me than I even thought it would. So, you know, they asked him a few questions, just you know, basically, like, do you know you gave your life to God? And, you know, do you know what it means to be baptized? And, you know, just asking him these questions. And then they dunked him in the water, and he was just like so happy. Um, so then after he got out, it was my turn. And I was emotional, I was nervous. My mom was there, my husband, my aunt, and my kids. And the part that really just did it for me was as they were gonna put me in the water. Um, and I don't remember verbatim what he exactly he said, but it was something like, you know, once we put you in the water, that is the old you being washed away, and the new you is being resurrected. And that's what I needed. That's in that moment I realized this is how I'm able to get rid of the past, get rid of that baggage, that guilt, that shame, and just start new. I kid you not, mind you, no, just like a side note, I slipped when they dunked me in the water. So I was in the water probably a little longer than I should have. I kind of laughed a little because my brother had made a joke about that the day before, talking about you need to be in the water a little bit longer. And here I was struggling to get back up. And I was like, okay, maybe he was right. I did, you know, another two seconds longer than everyone else, I think. But it felt so good. I did feel like that is exactly what I needed to get rid of that shame, to get rid of the guilt and everything else that I felt like had been weighing me down for so long. And not that I'm totally forgetting about what I, you know, my past experiences, but knowing that that's no longer weighing me down. I cannot even explain how good it feels and just how freeing and liberating it feels to just not have those chains on anymore from those that my past. Yeah. And and so I if this, if my testimony here is inspiring to you, you know, please reach out, find a church near you if if if that's where you're um what's compelling you or convicting you. But there are other ways, aside from like a religious practice, to free yourself from those chains of your past.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

Yeah, no, that's beautiful. I love everything about that. I'm a church girly, and all that is it's beautiful, it's amazing. And I'm I knew that, but I'm glad to hear the whole story about how you were able to overcome that and just have that experience because all of us have skeletons in our closet, and it's you can keep piling them up and piling the skeletons, and at some point maybe the closet opens up and it's falling all over you, and you find yourself in a dark space. And so having some place of virtue that you can go to and and just release it is is great. So hopefully, like you said, to go to your local church or whatever your outlet is that's healthy and forgiving to make sure that you do that. And again, like what Sil said, if you need suggestions or options, please feel free to email us and or message us so we can we can help you.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

And just to be clear, yes, I have been baptized, but I I don't want to say like I'm this this whole new person. Do I feel better about myself? And do I feel like my moral compass has been put back into place? Yes. Um, at the end of the day, I'm still a sinner. I'm still gonna make mistakes. My goal is to not repeat the same mistakes that I've made before, you know, just to overall become a better person. Um, but I will still fumble, so please give me grace. Yes. Okay. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Put that out there. Like, you're drinking shame.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Sinner or negate her. Yeah, no, no. We all we like I said, I my approach to it was like I said, different. And my past is a past, and I overcame it in my just I I did, I guess. Again, everyone has their own journey, everyone takes their own path. There are so many different routes that you can take, and perhaps you're leaning more towards what Sil said, or perhaps you want to battle it on your own, or just reach out to a confidante. But just making sure that you are taking the necessary steps if you're feeling a heavy load on you, and you're and maybe you're wondering, what is that? And maybe this conversation that we're having is triggering, like, oh crap, maybe I am feeling heavy because I'm still thinking about the things that I've done in my past and you have not forgiven yourself. And you need to maybe start that journey to forgiving yourself so you can move past that and perhaps reach different aspects in your life that maybe you haven't reached because you're still that's still weighing you down.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Beautifully said, and that brings Us into our next topic, which is why is it important to forgive yourself? So it is one thing to acknowledge that you've made past mistakes. Okay, that's a starting point. Okay, that's good. If you can acknowledge, yes, I have made mistakes, you're already on the right path. But it's a whole nother thing to actually forgive yourself and move on from them. Okay. So according to calm.com, okay, so comc-al-m.com, which is an app actually, and you can use it for like calming music, meditation, stuff like that. But they also have articles that are really helpful, which I found when I was creating some of the stuff for today's episode. So once again, according to calm.com, forgiveness is not about forgetting, but about freeing yourself from past actions and moving forward with added awareness and growth. And honestly, I feel like ever since my experience, this is like almost just verbatim, okay, word for word, how I felt or how I feel. Okay. So no, I did not forget about what I've done, but I do feel free from those past actions. I've been able to move forward. I'm more aware. I feel like I've had this personal growth from inside.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

Yes, for sure. Freeing yourself from the past and moving forward with the awareness. I think that's always been my perspective, is that I've just learned something from my mistake and I can move forward with that newfound lesson that I've learned. But let's move on to the next. Forgiving oneself can improve mental and emotional wellness. Guilt and regret could weigh you down over time. 100%. It's going to apply pressure to you unless you you got to face it head on. So forgiving yourself is gonna take that weight off of you. And sometimes you need help. Sometimes you can't just say, okay, I forgive yourself and then move on with your life. You may need to talk to a professional. You may need your girl group or your man friends, whoever you confide in, church, whatever propels you to move forward, go to that person or people or church and do that. So you can get that weight off of you. Because, like Sil said, in that beautiful story, almost instantly when she was baptized, she felt the weight lift off of her. And that worked for her. So definitely tap into what you feel can work for you and exercise your free will. There are options out there. Try them all and see what works for you. And then pursue that in the future when things get rough, knowing that you can tap into that space. Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

And next is reduce stress and anxiety. Reliving the past can create constant stress and anxiety. And like we said earlier, having that constant stress will take a toll on your body. And that is going to lead to even greater health risks, you know, stroke, cardiovascular disease, and so on. It's just, you know, it adds on. You're just piling on more and more. So, you know, an even greater reason to forgive yourself is so that you do not keep reliving your past.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

Yes, absolutely. All those are definitely all the health risks that you mentioned, so are are literally that very top of the chain health risks. Enhance, enhance self-esteem and recognizing your worth. If you are feeling guilt or ashamed about something, that's typically equal, or you know, it's equaling to that you're having a lower self-esteem. And finding again, finding a platform, finding a place, finding a group of whatever you need. There are so many groups out there online in your community that you can join to help build yourself, to help build your self-esteem and understanding what your worth is. You are worthy to be here. You are worthy to forget what you did in the past. The past is literally the past. Making sure that you're looking forward and understanding that you're worth more than whoever you thought you were in the past and just propelling forward. You're the bomb. You are it. You're the birthday. I think that's what the kids are saying now. You the birthday. Oh my. You're the birthday. Enhance your self-esteem. A lot of people do little post-it pads and write down positive affirmations so they can see that every day when they wake up in the morning, write on your mirror with dry erase marker or whatever. Don't come for me if it does not erase, but figure out what erases. But get some sticky pads from the Dollar Tree and and hype yourself up. Be your biggest fan. Get your self-esteem up and pop in and write those affirmations.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

Awesome. And I do want to add to that is we guess you can add all of these things, the affirmations, but sometimes you also have to remove things from your life and specifically people. If there's people who are constantly telling you you're worthless, you're never an amount to anything, and you know they're dangling your past in front of you. You need to get rid of those people because those people are going to weigh you down and bring your self-esteem down as well. So the sooner you recognize your worth, the sooner that you could really just get rid of those toxic people who are trying to keep you down.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

100%. And honestly, a lot of that could be the reason why some blessings aren't even coming your way, too, is because of those, all that negative energy within your circle. And so definitely releasing that and getting that weight off of you, the blessings could definitely start to flow in. Better friendships, better relationships, better opportunities could come your way.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Yeah, and that leads us to our next point, which is lead to healthier relationships. So it fosters emotional intelligence, enabling healthier relationships. So once you get to that point where you are able to forgive yourself, you're able, you can, you have this new found, newfound, what am I trying to say? I guess like intelligence. You have the this newfound worth. And you're able to make these better decisions because you know what is good for you and what is not. And therefore you're able to seek those healthier relationships and rid yourself from those that no longer serve you.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

Absolutely. And there's a lot of that. The crazy thing, the crazy thing I feel is that a lot of people don't even understand how many, how much of your energy you're put you're outputting into situations that won't service you. And it's not a selfish approach to how you're moving. If if anything, it's a more aligned approach to where you're trying to get to. And removing all those bad seeds out of your life, that road will be a lot less rough and more straight and narrow for you to get to without all the extra noise coming in your space. So pushing towards your personal growth, which is going to open a fresh start for opportunities. Having the energy without the extra weight of your past weighing you down will hopefully get you those opportunities that you're looking for. There are a lot of people that are definitely working with the stress on their back and they're successful. We're not saying it's foolproof what we're saying is not foolproof. There are definitely people that are balancing the two, but at what cost? So if you're at a point and you're like, hey, I'm successful, I'm I'm having opportunities and stuff, but are you still thinking about the things that you did? Are you running away from your past? Have you truly forgiven yourself and really engulfing yourself in maybe this new you that you're you're masking your old self to be? But just making sure that you can fully accept what you did in the past and fully engulf yourself in the present will give you that maybe like a new, fresh, fresh opportunity. All right.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

And our last point is building resilience and positivity. So creating space for positive thoughts and actions equals becoming resilient to what life throws at us. So regardless of what your past actions are, life is still going to throw things your way. And if you do not forgive yourself now for what you've done in the past, these new things that start to happen, it's just like all gonna pile on and it's gonna be harder and harder to handle. So being able to let things go, building that resilience, becoming, try to become a more positive person, creating those positive thoughts and actions, you are going to be able to handle what life throws at you in such a more graceful way than having all these burdens on you and still having to deal with, you know, all the other things, all the BS, you know, that we have to go through sometimes. It gets tough and it gets hard. And you might feel like you're going to break because it's just so heavy at one point. But being able to forgive and let go so you can build that resilience and bring new positivity into your life will do wonders and will help you with whatever else life has in store for you.

SPEAKER_00 31:11

Well said. I like it. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 31:13

Um, next we're gonna get into how to forgive yourself. But before we get into that, let's go ahead and take a little bit of a break, begin to sing sing to me. Let's see who will win this week's battle, and and then we will come back to um how to forgive yourself. All right, so um if you have not heard before, um Anish and I do the Sing to Me segment where I will ask Anish a question based on song lyrics, and not only does she have to answer the question correctly, but she has to sing it back to me. Then she'll ask me the same question and we'll just kind of go back and forth for two rounds and we'll see who wins. It's it's been a little up and down lately. I don't even know at this point. Okay, we haven't kept score, and maybe we should start keeping score because I'm not liking what's happening. I was winning for a long time and then I started losing, and then I need to start winning all of a sudden. That was crazy. Well, some some lightweight. Okay. All right, are you ready?

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Okay, so I'm gonna take it back to Janet Jackson. I know we asked Janet questions last time, but I feel like I'm hoping, I don't know, this actually might be easy. I feel like when I heard it, I was like, I'm gonna ask her this. And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh, this might be too easy. Is it ever too easy? I don't know. All right, so and that's the way love goes. Janet Jackson refers to an insect in her lyrics. What is the insect?

SPEAKER_00 32:43

An ant. That's the way love goes. That's the way love goes. Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire. Oh no. Like a moth to a flame. I don't really know what she says. My love. My love is black.

SPEAKER_01 33:07

I can't just see my eye to eye.

SPEAKER_00 33:09

Yay, me. Okay. Well, you got that one. Kelly likes the boys that be doing Wet and Soldier. Sung by Destiny's Child. Wow, that's funny. Kelly Rowland likes the boys that be doing Wet and Soldier.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

Shoot, I don't know if I know the words. I like the boys in the back who be leaning. No, what? Okay, hold on, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

I mean, you're very close, but one word is wrong.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

And they're shit. Boys and the lack that be leaning. Yes, that is correct. I like the boys in the back who be leaning. The black. I like the two things grill.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Like the Cadillac. Gleamin'. As these are. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

I knew that'd be a little easier. An independent woman, Destiny's child, tells all the mamas who profit dollars to do what?

SPEAKER_00 34:06

Throw your hands up at me. All the mamas who profit dollars throw your hands up at me. Dang it.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

Yay.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Is my brain starting to finally brain? I thought if I said like that one, that was like the least known part. I jumped right to it.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

I don't know. Gosh darn it. The complete opposite of what I do. Okay, so song number two. Ashanti didn't know why she was being treated like how in her song foolish. Ashanti. I don't know how you treat me this way until last day. That's not the answer I'm looking for. Okay. Alright, I just need to get to the song. Okay, so what's the question? Ashanti didn't know why she was being treated like how in her song foolish this way. No. I don't know how you treat me this way. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

No.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

You're humming it. You passed it.

SPEAKER_02 35:09

Damn it.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

You literally hummed it. Skipped it. The next lyrics is the answer.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

I can take no more. I keep on running back to you.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

I'm like tongue-tied. I don't know. Okay, I stumped you. Clearly. Wait. Okay, no, no, no. No. The question again. I'm right there. Clearly. This is it. Ashanti didn't know why she was being treated like how in song in her song foolish. See my task without you. But I'm hurting well with you. And the Mahawk and take the marking thought. No. Okay, we're done. I'm not gonna play this game with you. Baby, I don't know why. You wanna do me wrong?

SPEAKER_01 36:01

No. No.

SPEAKER_00 36:02

Baby, I don't know. Treating me so bad. Yes. Oh, sweet Jesus. I don't even think that should count at this point. There should have been a time limit. And if there were a time limit, you lost. But the answer is just a big thing. Baby, I don't know why you treated me so treat me so bad. You said you'd love me. No one above me.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

And I'm so you're.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

Oh, yeah, no, no, we're okay. That's a half a point.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

My brain just would not function.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

That took entirely too long. Holy guacamole. But nonetheless, I got more than you. Because that was only half a point.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

Oh gosh. Okay. You know what? Yeah. Okay. I just my I just could not figure out. Welcome to my life. All right, ladies and gentlemen. So clearly that one didn't go as planned. It was to me. Mine were a little too easy. What? Mine were you got them. Doesn't mean they're easy. It just means I know the lyrics. Okay. All right. Let's just move. Okay. We went from why it is important to forgive yourself now to how to forgive yourself. Because that's just because just accepting that you or acknowledging your past mistakes is the first part. Okay. But why it's important to forgive yourself and then how to forgive yourself are different things. So once again, from Calm, hey, they were on it. They had everything I need. It was such a great website that I would recommend for people to visit just because there was so much on there. And it's not even just about forgiveness, but there's so many other aspects to mental health that you know sometimes we just need to read about. We need um, you know, another perspective. But one of them that really stuck out to me on how to forgive on how to forgive yourself are the four Rs of self-forgiveness. So the first one is responsibility. Doesn't it it doesn't mean to take responsibility for everything that happened, only for your actions, your reactions and your emotions. So if there were other people involved, which typically there are, you can't always take responsibility for what they have done. It wouldn't be fair to you to take responsibility for what they did unless it was due to your actions, your reactions, and your emotions. So that is the first part is the responsibility aspect of it.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

Yes. The second R would be remorse. Allow yourself to feel sorrow or regret if needed. Do not stay in this stage for too long, as it could have a negative effect on your mental health. So feel that emotion and then move on to the next. So it's okay to feel your feelings. It's okay to feel sad, happy, angry, but don't live in that space. And because that's what's gonna weigh you down. That's gonna take you back to exactly where you were at.

SPEAKER_01 38:54

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm gonna need you to say that again. Because you said it's okay to feel sad, happy, and something else. But I don't think happy should be in there because you're saying to not stay in that. And it's not, I don't think you should tell people not to stay in their happy place.

SPEAKER_00 39:05

Okay, okay. So it's okay. Okay, so feel it and move on to the next. It's okay to feel those negative emotions, but don't live in that dark space. Accept it, feel that emotion, understand what it feels like. Remember what it feels like to a certain extent so you understand that when you get there, that you need to get out of that space, but move on and don't kick yourself in the butt about it, but just allow yourself to move on to the next space, but don't drown yourself out in whatever habits that you may do to try to bury it, but instead feel it and move on.

SPEAKER_01 39:43

Right. We're not trying to bury anything, we are trying to feel it, but then let it go. Yes, not bury it. And there is a difference. So on to the next step, it's rest restorate restoration. Restoration. Restoration? Mm-hmm. Restoration. So right the wrongs, make apologies if needed to help bring closure. Now, you may need to make apologies, and sometimes it's even harder to apologize to others than to like apologize to yourself. But sometimes it just needs to be done. That way you can move forward. Now you are no longer responsible for people forgiving you or being able to move on from your apology, but you need to make that step to make it. Make the apology. It is what it is, whether they accept it or not. But that gives you the opportunity to move on, to bring that closure that you need, to feel better, to be able to restore yourself and right those wrongs.

SPEAKER_00 40:42

Yes. And the last one is renewal. Commit to not repeating the same mistakes. Embrace the mistakes as a learning experience. After doing those first three steps, embrace the renewal aspect of moving forward. Commit to yourself to not make those same mistakes. You don't want to get back into that same space and having to redo all these steps again. Now, are you going to stumble and fall and trip? Absolutely. But do try to make it a goal to embrace the new journey that you're on with trying to grow from your mistakes, from your experiences that you may not be too proud about. And embrace that. Lean into that to know that, hey, I don't want to go back to that space again. I want to create new and fulfilling journeys for myself. Right.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

Yeah. So those are the four R's of self-forgiveness according to calm.com. There are other ways to that lead or to help the there are other ways they can go about forgiving yourself. Um, but I feel like it should be a process regardless. It's not gonna just be something that's instant that happens overnight. Um, and one thing that they didn't that we didn't mention, but I feel like we should add is to talk to someone. If it's really deep, if it's really weighing on you, that may, you know, maybe it's something that that is very traumatic or just just really bad in a sense that you can't just go to anybody, find a professional. Go to a professional, work out those feelings and learn how to get past those, those mistakes, those bad choices that were made in the past. If you want to have a brighter future. And I think that we all deserve that. We all have skeletons in our closet, we all have things that we aren't proud of, bad choices. It doesn't make us bad people, but letting that those decisions weigh us down, it affects our lives probably more than we even realize. I know that after I went through my journey, I did realize, like, wow, like I didn't even realize how much it really did affect me. And not that it was like an everyday type thing, but just overall, just that feeling of being free and knowing that, okay, that is my past, but it's no longer gonna haunt me. Yes, it's there. You can't just remove it, but I can let it go. And being able to do that, like I I really can't explain how freeing and how just so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like it, it definitely is very empowering. It's it's just an amazing feeling to let all of that go. Um, and I want that. I wish I could just have a magic wand and give that to everybody. But reality is that we all have to go through our own own journeys. So it could be going through church, it could be going through the four R's of self-forgiveness, or it could be going to professional and actually speaking to someone um to help you in that journey. Whatever it is, please don't be afraid to go through these next steps because it will absolutely be life changing and it'll help you so much and get you to that place in your life that you deserve to be in.

SPEAKER_00 43:55

Yes. And just to add to that, especially with the mamas out there and Postpartum depression and maybe having guilt about whatever is going on in your life, talk to your medical professionals because a lot of insurance, if you have insurance, or you can again still talk to your medical professionals to see about different ways that you can see a psychologist or a psychiatrist under your insurance. So don't feel that, oh, I can't afford it, because I know that there are definitely some opportunities or there's different ways that you can, I don't want to say get around it, but talking to a medical professional. Um, be it again, if you're dealing with postpartum, and even men, men have postpartum too. But just making sure that you exercise all of those options to potentially get the help if you decide to go that route to talk to a doctor.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

Right. Yeah, there's many ways of going about it, whether it be through insurance, out of pocket. I know there's a lot of apps out there. There's hotlines that you can call as well. I know a lot of jobs also have that part of their benefits package that, you know, you have so many like counseling sessions for a year. So if you really feel like you need it, just you might need to put in some legwork, but but get it done and help yourself. Because at the end of the day, no one can put your past behind you but you. No one can forgive your you for your past more than you can. So please make sure that you find, seek the help that you need because we all deserve to get rid of those skeletons and move on for good.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

Yeah. And just be free. Live, feel 10 pounds lighter or 20 pounds lighter for, you know, whatever stress is weighing you down. Get that stress off you and feel confident with your day-to-day life without that cloud hanging over you. And you're hiding it because people, you know, we're probably walking amongst people now that have heavy clouds, dark clouds over them, and they're just masking it and going on about their day-to-day life with that deep dark trauma that they're feeling that they need to keep inside them because they don't want to share with anyone. But there are so many options, there's so many opportunities out there to help you get past that space and and live a lighter, brighter life.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

So before we go, I want to read you this excerpt that I found on Facebook. And it was from a post called Face the Reality. I don't know if that's necessarily the author, but that's where I got it from. Um, and it says the following if you do not leave your past in the past, it will slowly destroy your future. Old pain has a way of following you when you refuse to release it. It clouds your judgment, affects your choices, and steals moments that were meant for growth and happiness. Living in yesterday keeps you tied to things you can no longer change. Replaying mistakes will not fix them. Holding on to regret will not heal you. The past is a lesson, not a life sentence. Live for what today has to offer. Today brings new chances, new strength, and new direction. It asks for your presence, not your memories of what went wrong. Every morning is proof that life is giving you another opportunity to move forward. Release, learn from what happened, but do not let it define you. Release what hurt you so it no longer controls you. Your future deserves your full attention, not the weight of yesterday. And pourers, we will leave you with that. Thank you for listening to another episode of Pouring and Parenting.

SPEAKER_00 47:29

Where sip happens and we pour about it.