SPEAKER_01 0:03

Grab your glass and pull up a chair. It's time for your favorite girls' night in.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to Pouring and Parenting, where your besties, Sill and Ainish. We're here to laugh through the chaos. Hello, Poors. Let's start the show. Welcome to another episode of Pouring and Parenting. I'm Sill and I'm Ainish. Thank you for tuning in. Today's episode is going to be about why saying yes to everyone else means saying no to yourself. But before we dive in, Einish, how are you doing? Yeah, today's been a busy day.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

And but busy is good sometimes. So I will say today was a good day. A little humid out here, but all is well. How are you doing today? So?

SPEAKER_00 0:44

I'm good. I had a very unplanned day. Um my husband, well, I had an unplanned day up until my husband made plans for us, which was nice. He took me out on a date. You know. Well, just something low-key, something we actually realized hadn't done in a long time. We went to the movies. Now, mind you, when we first started dating, we realized we went to the movies a lot. But when I was trying to think of what is the last movie that him and I went to go see together by ourselves, no kids, and we were like at first both drawing blanks. I remembered one movie, which was, and I was speaking to you on the phone earlier, which was The Dark Knight Rises. Yes. And I realized that came in out, that came out in 2012.

SPEAKER_02 1:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Um, so I was like, there's no way. Like, there's no way that was the last time. Like my son wasn't even born until 2017. So I'm just like, what the heck are we doing? You know, right. So when I asked him about it, he was drawing a blank and he thought of we went to go see The Avengers together. One of the many Avengers movies, but the one we went to go see also came out in 2012. So then he remembered that we went to go see Titanic when they like remastered it. Yeah. We looked that up. That was also in 2012.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

So we're doing it big in 2012.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Right. I'm like, 2012 was the time for movies in our relationship. Like, what the hell? Like, there's no way. So then finally he said something about like catastrophes or something like that. I'm like, what? I'm like, oh, we watched San Andreas. That came out in 2015. Mm-hmm. So I'm like, okay. Like at that point, I think him and I both kind of gave up and just decided that's the last time him and I had been at to the movies together by ourselves. I'm like, that was so like 11 years ago, really. It's crazy. That is insane. Like we've been to the movies, but like with the kids, or you know, whatever, the drive-in like with the kids. But just the two of us, like, I still feel like there's something that we're both forgetting. But who knows? Maybe it'll come to me in a dream in the middle of the night, you know, when I'm least expecting it. But yeah, so it was it was fun. We did go see the Odyssey. Uh, it was a really good movie. I do recommend it. It is about three hours long. It did not feel like it though. It really did not. Um, so yeah, that was my day today. And we went to Kaaba. If you haven't been to Kaaba, it's like think of like a Mediterranean Chipotle type setting. Oh, but it's so good. It's so delicious. We both scarved our food down, mainly me. But I enjoyed it. So after that, we went to the movies and it was great. It was a good time. Dinner in a movie. We like the old school date situation. I know. The fact that he made it happen was nice because I I thought we had no plans today. Like I thought I was gonna stay home. We're so hubby. All right, yeah, I know. So yeah, that was my kind of day. And let's see, Anish, what are you drinking today? I'm on a roll.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

I'm on a roll. Miss Pinot Grigio's at it again. I need to visit the local liquor store and see what they have. I haven't visited it yet, and I have a lot of Pinot because I never go empty on Pinot. So she has an endless supply.

SPEAKER_00 3:57

I haven't like a subscription of Pinot Grigio.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

But I do plan on visiting the liquor store because I'm up on the midweek pour. And if you don't know what the midweek pour is, that means you need to follow us on social media. Hit the follow button, hit that follow button. So, what did you pour today?

SPEAKER_00 4:20

So today I didn't pour, I actually I wanted Malibu and pineapple juice, and I was all about it, and then I realized I didn't have pineapple juice. So yeah, that was a bummer. So I'm just drinking an El Himador Orange Sunrise. Oh, so one of these bad boys. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Yes, that sounds yummy.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

So nothing too crazy.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Okay. Well, cheers.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Right, yeah, cheers to that. Ding. And I missed my mouth. Yep. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

How many of you had? Oh gosh. Well, I had an espresso martini earlier, but that was way earlier. It was so good. Oh my gosh, it's been a while. Oh, yummy. Okay. All right. So let's go ahead and get into it. Why does it seem like being a people pleaser has a negative connotation to it when really you're just trying to make people happy and not let them down? Anish, what do you think? So when I say, oh Anish, you're such a people pleaser, like, do you feel like I'm being positive, or is that kind of like kind of a diss? Definitely sounds like a diss.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

There's an undertone, especially when people say it. There's an undertone on how they say it. Right. Why do you think? Because why do you feel the need to make everyone happy? I feel consider yourself a people please a people pleaser. Consider myself a people pleaser. No, not at all. I I have a limit to what I will and won't do. People may take my kindness for a weakness, but I've at this point, at my big age, I think all my friends know that if I'm doing it, it's most likely because I want to do it. And I'm not necessarily trying to please you, but it's genuine. I want to do this, and it's coming from a good place. And I trust that if I niche didn't want to do it, Inich would tell me no.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Right. Does that make sense? It does. Now, why do you think people have a hard time saying no? Why do you think people are people pleasers even when they don't want to do something?

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Because they want to people please. They want to make sure that they're in the loop. I imagine. I feel they don't want to get left out. If I say no this time, will you ask me again? Are you gonna think bad of me? Am I gonna get left out because I said no this one time? Are you gonna feel a certain way? So in my thought, I feel they they're putting their, they're putting their that person's feelings before theirs because they want to make sure that, hey, you can come to me for anything. I am here to help you. I will serve you as a friend, as a confidant, and I will be there for you. So I I want to make sure that I'm available because I want you to feel that you can trust me. Right.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Okay. I like and it and it makes a lot of sense. Like you, you want to be included, and you might feel like, okay, if I say no to you now, you're probably not gonna include me again. But that really shouldn't be the case, depending on who the person is who's inviting you and who you're saying no to, you're putting up those boundaries. Like, I feel like it shouldn't be taken so personal. Like if I say no, like I'm not just being like rude, like, nope, I don't want to do that. Like, like, oh no, thanks, whatever. But people tend to get upset, like, oh no, okay, cool. Like, you're out, you're canceled, you're whatever.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Um canceled.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Oh, and people are so quick to cancel one another nowadays, or unfollow, f you, you're blacked, you didn't go to my party, blah, blah, blah. But there's also so much more to people saying no to things, and we should be more accepting of people standing up for themselves instead of just saying yes, because well, we'll learn all about that in just a bit, but you can't. It just it's not sustainable to be a people pleaser, and that's why I think it also has a negative connotation. Like, you just want to make everyone happy, like, but we are in reality, we all know that you cannot please everyone and you really shouldn't try to. Okay. So let's go ahead and go into trend one. Ainish, you want to get us started?

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Yes, ma'am, trend one, somatic no setting and nervous system safety. People pleasing is increasingly being categorized as a trauma response rather than a personality trait. So the hot topic is learning to recognize how a boundary violation physically manifests in the body before you ever speak.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

All right, so saying no to a commitment is saying yes to your own goals and to your mental health. Now, if anyone who suffers from mental health knows, or even stress, let's just call it stress. We know that stress can trigger so much in our bodies, from breaking out to having anxiety to you know, to not being able to sleep, to overeating, to not eating, to uh just all sorts of hair falling out, all that stuff. And do you really want to go through all that just because you feel that you are unable to say no to somebody? No, you have to listen to your gut, literally, listen to what your body is telling you. Because when you force a yes, when you really wanted to say no, your body goes into a physical threat response response. So you have shallow breathing, tightness in your jaw. I know I have thought that before, you know, spiked cortisol and all that other stuff. So being able to say no, being able to say no is an act of somatic safety. Okay, you are protecting yourself, your mental health, your body. It is not always worth it to say yes to everybody. You can't. And your body has now categorized that as a traumatic response. Okay, so it's not necessarily a personality trait. Oh, you're just such a people teaser. It's like, oh no, I gotta say yes. I have to say yes because if I say no, X, Y, and Z is gonna happen. However, X, Y, and Z starts to happen actually to you, to your physical body. And it's not gonna stop until you finally set those boundaries, which leads us to trend two. Anish?

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Yes, trend two is micro boundaries and low stakes practice. Wellness spaces are moving away from massive dramatic lifestyle overhauls to micro self-care habits. This involves intentionally saying no to tiny low state things to build up the emotional muscle needed for larger boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Right. So you want to start off small. And I was watching a YouTube video about setting up boundaries and saying no. And an example they gave is you don't want to start off by saying like no to your boss. You might just have a full-blown panic attack right after. Start small. Maybe say no to like, nope, I don't want to open up a new credit card line. No, I don't want you to come into my house and show me this sample of this vacuum. Like, no, I don't want you to sell me in any of your fundraising tickets. Okay. And that one actually is so hard, especially when it's a kid or it's family and it's like, God damn it, you're fundraising. God damn it, you're fundraising again. Okay, it's hard to say no to those, but start there. Okay. Start there. Start with the little ones. You know, if you can get past those little cute faces, like, oh please, I really need this for my football team or my soccer team. Okay, if you can get past that, I you're gonna be good saying no to your boss later on. Okay, I'm pretty sure they don't have cute little faces. No, but start off small, just little thing, you know, little things, low stakes things that's like, okay, you know, it was rough, but I got past it. Yeah, at the drive-thru. Do you want anything else order? No, that's all. No, no, thank you. Okay, do you want another shot in your margarita? No. No, what I mean. Hey, we're starting.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

Yeah, we're starting small. Or the top shelf, right? When they get all crazy.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Right, yeah. You know, do you want gel on your nails? No, thank you. Okay, you want rhinestones on each one of your nails? No. No, okay. And it makes me think of that Angela Johnson skit where she's like, why? Oh, that's why you don't have a boyfriend. Some tips for saying no is have a clear vision of your yes. What is the reason you want to sit down? And what is your yes? Maybe I don't want to go to that party. No, thank you. Your reason, your yes is because I actually am so tired and I need to catch up on my own rest. And what is that gonna do for you? That's going to give you the rest you need, relieve anxiety, relieve stress. And I mean, we all need just a pause sometimes. So, an example of a clear vision, right? So, have a clear vision of your yes when you say your no. Be simple and honest in your answers. If you start giving all these reasons and explanations, you're doing too much. For the most part, once you say no, people might just turn off already. Okay, once they know that you're like, oh, okay, you're trying to get out of it, it's just excuse after excuse. They may believe believe you, they may not. But the more you pile it on, the less they're gonna believe you. Keep it simple, keep it honest, and that's it. Last, once again, like we just said, start small to build that confidence. Start off small, start off with little fundraiser kids, start off with the telemarketers. Okay, start small to build that confidence of saying no, especially when it's a little more high stakes or the people who you are saying no to are probably people a little bit closer or hold more uh authority in your life.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Yes. I agree with that. I love all of that. I will say that the no's and the explanation, I I think the the group, your circle definitely makes a difference on how they react to your no. And honestly, I think the age range makes a big difference too. If you're listening to us and you're in your early 20s, your friends are gonna peer pressure you hardcore. They're not gonna understand your no and giving them reasons, they're gonna figure out a reason to deter your reason. Having a stern no and believing your own no is gonna help. Definitely if you're in your early 20s, mid-20s. I feel the older people that are late 20s, 20s, hopefully your friend group might be in the same space as you and they're all moving on the same path as you to better understand your no if you don't give an explanation or if you give a real faint explanation. Keep that in mind. Don't be oh porn and parent is just to say no, and you don't you don't understand my no if you're 22, if you're 22 listening to us. But I I will say to keep that in mind, to understand know your friend group and your circle. And if you if you have to say, I have to study in the morning, I'm not gonna be able to make it. I have church in the morning, I'm not gonna be able to go today. I need I need sleep. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I have things to do tomorrow. Just for an example, as far as quick, quick answers, a quick response. So your friends, your family, whoever your circle can understand why you're saying no, especially if you're a yes person.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Right, exactly. And so the inspirations for today's episode actually came from a church sermon that I was at a couple weeks ago, and it was in the power of no. And the pastor, she was so great at just being like, let me teach you how to say no. No, no. Now, obviously, it's easier said than done, but we need to be able to say no. There is power in our no, and the power is in our yes. What is our yes? Think about that. Your your no gives power to your yes, whatever that your yes is. So I don't want to do this because this is what I want to do. This is what I'm gonna say yes to this because I'm gonna say no to this. Okay, so for every no, there's a yes. Okay, yes, I'm gonna protect my boundaries, my space, my health, my anxiety, my my family, whatever the case is, my job. Okay, no, I'm not gonna call off for you today. I gotta protect my job, my money, my whatever the you know, whatever. Okay, so your yes, make sure it's a clear yes. You know what your yes is. And it gets easier to say no because you like and you have feet to stand on. This is why I'm saying no. Now, the people who are in your life, whether it be your friend circle, it could be your own family sometimes that you have to say no to. Once they start to see that you are putting up those boundaries, those people that are worth being in your life are gonna stay in your life and they are going to respect your boundaries. It could be a transition, it could be new to them, like, oh, what? You're not gonna be a people pleaser anymore. Okay, you might hear that, but eventually they'll come around and it'll be fine. And you're gonna feel so much better.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

And you're the and you're they'll they'll respect that. And for the people that are the pushers, I'm a pusher. I have no shame in saying I'm a pusher. No, stay. Come on, let's do it. This and that. I am a pusher. And I may talk bad about you, but I don't, I'm still gonna hang out with you. I still invite everyone. So if you're listening to this and you're like, well, what about the people that push me? My niche's pushed me a few times. Yeah, I'm pushing. I'm pushing as hard as I can. Let's do this, let's party, let's keep it going, whatever. And it's usually just a party or do whatever the case is. But here we are, 20 years later, still hanging out, and there's been plenty of times that I've tried to push, and it's sometimes she's folded, and sometimes she hasn't folded it. So if you're listening to this and you're a pusher, and maybe it's a new friendship or a new relationship or a new situation ship, don't not, I'm not saying don't give up, keep pushing. Learn to learn to respect their boundaries. Just learn to respect your friend group and understand still is one of my best friends. I'm gonna push. That's my job. We're sisters. If you have a sister, you have a sibling, you you push, you just push. Oh, yeah. Sills doesn't count. But if you have a friend and your friends and respect their boundaries, if you're listening to this and you're a pusher like myself, know who you can and can't push. If you have a friend that's really trying to elevate and move on to another chapter or just find a new phase in their life, respect that. Don't put them in a space to where they feel that they have to say yes. And it's not even that serious. Oh, stay on an extra couple of hours and don't do your homework. Don't study, don't go back to your kids. Whatever the case is, hang out with me for three months. She's never told me that. Yeah, I've never, I've never told her that ever in life. But whatever your story is, or whatever you may or may not be internally dealing with when you, if you're the pusher, respect their boundaries and understand that obviously they want to hang out with you. They're already there, or you know, whatever your relationship is, but they may just be in a different chapter and they're trying to figure out this new chapter that they're in, and that's okay. It's 100% okay. Find something else to do. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'm fine. Hey, I'm smiling, I'm here talking. We are here. It's gonna be okay. You'll be okay if you're the pusher. It's okay. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

All right, let's go ahead and get started. So we're gonna talk about the three different people that have to deal with setting up boundaries. So we're gonna discuss the individual, we're gonna discuss the marriage, and then parenthood. Okay, so three different, I guess, types of people, I should say. So the first one is the individual. Unlearning the people, pleaser. All right, and what is the struggle?

SPEAKER_01 19:27

The struggle. How society conditions us, especially moms and parents, to equate baseline worth with constant availability. There's a growth that comes from that. Transitioning from FOMO, fear of missing out. I have FOMO, to Jomo, joy of missing out. That's a new one for me.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Yeah, I like that. So that sounds Jomo. I'm a Joe Jomo.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Yeah, I don't want to miss out on anything. Okay, some of the points that we will be discussing are recognizing your physiological signs of burnout before you reach your breaking point. We're gonna talk about some practical scripts to reject invitations politely without offering overexplained defensive excuses and navigating the awkward guilt that follows the first few times, you firmly prioritize your own peace. So the first one, Sil, is recognizing your physiological signs of burnout before you reach your breaking point. How do you feel about that? What let's let's just dive into it.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Well, you definitely need to be able to recognize the signs. So, in order to do that, do a little self-check. It's your body sending you signals, okay? It's before you mentally feel drained, before it actually hits you up here, your body kind of just starts doing their own thing. So you have that persistent fatigue. It's it just it doesn't improve with with rest. And I know all about this, unfortunately. But you wake up, you feel like you had a good night's rest, or at least you thought you did, but you wake up, you get out of bed, and it's just like, wow, I I need to sleep some more. Sleep disturbances, insomnia, restless sleep, or poor quality rest. Okay, so very uh similar to the fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, or chronic pain. We talked about that tension in the jaw. I kid you not, when I am in high stress situations, that's the first thing I feel. My jaw gets really tense, and then you also start getting the headaches that's just like one thing after another. Okay, so you got to start checking these signals. These are not normal things to have. If you are feeling these, and I'm only at the third one, something's going on. You gotta take a look and see what am I doing too much of? Because I need to slow this down. Digestive issues, so stomach aches, changes in appetite, or nausea, weakened immune system, okay, and you're frequently feeling sick, or you just take so much longer to recover, cardiovascular strain, so increased heart rate, palpitations, high blood pressure, and then last overstimulation or foggy thinking, brain fog, poor concentration, memory lapses. All of these things are your body telling you hey, some. Something's going on. Something is wrong. You need to listen to your body before you reach your breaking point. And I tell you right now, this has happened to me. And it's resulted in panic attacks, anxiety attacks. I ended up on medication. I was doing too much. And it was because you just take on so much. You want to please everybody. And there's just so much going on. You don't, you know, you got the FOMO. You don't want to miss out. But sometimes it's just too much.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Yes, absolutely. FOMO. It's okay. It's okay. They're gonna post all the pictures and then you'll see the pictures and either be mad that you went or be glad you didn't go. Right? More times than not, you'll probably be like, I'm glad I didn't go looking at those pictures. So just recognize that. Listen to your body. Your body is physically telling you it's hey, I can't do this. We can't do this. Let's not do this. So the second one was practical scripts to reject invitations politely without offering over-explained defense excuses. We discussed this a little bit earlier, but we're gonna dive deeper into it right now. So, do you got the tea?

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Yes. So just like I said earlier, you you want to be able to politely reject the invitation. Thank you, but I already have plans. Hopefully, I can make it next time. Done. Simple, you're polite. It's pretty much it. Don't go in, oh, you know what? I actually have to do this, and then I gotta go take my dog to the grammar's, and you know what? I don't know, but I I think I'm gonna have to stop. Stop.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

You're the first thing you said was perfect. Yes, no, the first thing you literally said was perfect. You gave them a reason. I got something to do, maybe I'll make it next time. You shut it down right there. They yeah, and that that was a perfect response. Like, oh, okay, you already, even if you don't go next time, between us and you, even if you don't make it next time, you're giving them hope to ask you to come out next time. You already eliminate the potential of not getting invited again because hey, invite me out next time, maybe I'll be able to go. And it's short and sweet, it's to the point. You're tired. No, no, sorry, girl. I really want to. Not tonight, girl. Y'all have a good time and then turn it on them. Flip it around. You have a great time. I know you're gonna have a good time. Take a shot for me and send me pictures. That's my favorite thing to say. I tell people, send me some pictures so I can feel involved. If you have FOMO, tell them to send you some pictures. Hit me with a video call. How many times have I asked you to send me a video call? Oh video call me. And so I I let's take a shot on a video call. And honestly, to me, I feel people are okay, yeah, I can do that. It gives them something to look forward to. You're included if you want to do that, unless you really just checked out and you want any parts of it. But if you want to feel some type of inclusion, that could be one way. Hey, hit me up with a video call right before you take the shot, and I'll drink my tat tea on the couch with you. I have absolutely done that before. So that's a way to be involved without physically being there. And no one's rejected me, and I've said that plenty of times, especially with me living out of state. I don't know how many calls I've received from you, Sil and other friends. Like legit lit legitimately, people have called me, and I'm at home in my random state, and they're getting ready to go party, and we're taking shots over a video call, and then we wait. That's it. Okay, have a good night. Bye. Less than five minutes. So that's one way to approach that. Especially get rid of the FOMO, going back up, right? No FOMO or Jomo. Okay. The last one is navigating the awkward guilt that follows the first few times. You firmly prioritize your own peace. This is tough. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

I mean, it is gonna be awkward, especially if you're one of those people who's constantly saying yes and you say no to someone for the first time, they might look at you like, like, are you okay? Something wrong? Like what? You know, or you know, they they might try to pressure you, whatever the case is. But know that when you are saying no, you're empowering yourself. You're that's you're honoring your own needs. And if you stand firmly on your no, you did all the things, you you realize you're at that burnout stage, you don't want to get to that breaking point, you were polite with your rejection, but you still have that guilt. It's fine. You're gonna have that guilt, but you need to make sure that you realize that you are empowering yourself, and this is going to put you in a place that you want to be. Okay, it's baby steps. It's gonna feel weird at first. It's just like putting on some roller blades. It feels weird. You're off balance a little bit. You might hit the floor. But once you get rolling and skating, hey, you're off into the sunset. Okay. Nope, nope, peace. Nope. So it's for a reason. You just gotta stick with it. Gotta stick with it. Don't let those pushers push you into another yes that is force and is going to wreak havoc on you and your body. Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

Yes, I love it. Go away pushers, and that's me too. I'm talking to myself. Go away. Go weight pusher.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

I love it. Well said, well said. Let's move on to the next segment. The spouse. So guarding the marriage bed and calendar. Anish, what is the struggle here?

SPEAKER_01 27:17

I see. The struggle letting external obligations, extended family demands, and kids' schedules erode couple time. We need to focus on building a unified front with your partner by learning to say no together to outside forces. This is big. This is so, so, so big. It's so important to focus on that. So, what you got?

SPEAKER_00 27:43

Okay, so actually, this kind of happened today. So I remember I started the day off with no plans before my husband came home to give me the update on our date or to ask me out on date, which he didn't. It was really cute. My brother had messaged me and asked what we were doing. We were kind of like chatting back and forth, no concrete plans necessarily, but we had discussed possibly him and his family coming over. But then, probably within 30 minutes of that conversation, my husband came home. My husband came home and asked me on the date. So instantly I told my brother, hey, I'm sorry. You know, we're going out on a date. And so he's like, okay, cool, a cap button, but not a big deal. While on our way to drop off the kids, my mom calls me and she's like, Hey, what are you doing? And luckily she didn't invite us anywhere, but she but we told her what we were doing. So it wasn't like a big deal. Then we're out at Kava, my husband and I, and my brother messages me, Hey, are you sure you have a date tonight? Or he said something like that, Are you sure you're gonna go out? It seems like mom wanted to hang out.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

No.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

We are on a date. Okay. Now, mind you, I mean, there was more to that conversation, but it's like, no, like I love you, brother. I love my mom. And yes, it would be nice to hang out, but I want this day, especially after realizing it's been so long since we've been to the theater together. Like, no, nothing isn't getting between us and this movie theater at this point. But the demands are not always from friends, it could be people in your own family. I'll just speak for me being Hispanic. It's it's hard sometimes because your family wants you at every single gathering and every single thing you do. And if you do that, you're never gonna get have any alone time. You're never gonna have that couple time. No, you have to say no sometimes. Let their feelings get hurt. Next week it'll be someone else hurting their feelings. It is what it is, okay? But make sure that you prioritize your marriage first, your spouse first, because you will come to realize that it's been a long time since you've been on a date.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Absolutely. Prioritize and saying no together, making sure that you two are unified and coming into that agreements. And that's a big one because there are a lot of couples out there that they ride with their family and the other couple rides with their family, but you need to come together, you have to be unified. Yes. So have the discussion. Still and I preach about communication, especially within your marriage. You have to be on you to be on the same page. If you're not, you need to come together, communicate, and figure out how to balance the disagreements within whatever the discussion is. But I think that was good stuff. I love it. So let's talk about some key discussion points. Normalizing saying no to intimacy when genuinely exhausted without creating emotional distance. That's a lot. That's heavy. That's heavy.

SPEAKER_00 30:44

Fellas don't come for us. Right. So we actually not too long ago had an episode with Dr. Tina where we talked about something like this, where it takes a lot for us women to be able to get into that intimacy space once we're parents, once there's just so much going on. And with this here specific topic of saying no, we just discussed being a united front saying no to others. But sometimes you have to say the no to each other. And that can get difficult, but it also has to be fair, especially when it comes to intimacy. If I'm exhausted and I'm tired, like I'm gonna just say no. Okay. Every once in a while, like, okay, but I also want to be into it and I I know I'm not gonna get there. Okay. And that doesn't mean, all right, well, now you're gonna just roll over to your side and not talk to me because you're upset. Right. Handle it like a man. You know, or let me rub your feet. Can I rub your feet? Yeah, hey. And don't be weird about it. You know what? Oh gosh, yeah. Sometimes there's still expectations. But sometimes a nice little foot rub, you know what? Okay, it could lead to something else. But if you don't even try to get me relaxed, that no is gonna stay a no. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

Don't be weird about it. And and and say it with a, I don't want to say empty heart, not empty heart, that's crazy, but like say it, say it with an empty heart. Say it genuinely. Genuinely suggest something. If your wife, your partner is, I'm not in the mood tonight. I am tired, babe. You may try to push a little bit. You may be the pusher and you're gonna push a little bit. I don't imagine a husband's gonna automatically shut off. I imagine a husband's gonna, oh come on, babe. It's been a week, it's been two days. They may do all that. Once you pass that moment, because ladies, I know we've all been there before, and you you stand firm on your no, and your husband, because most times it's the husband, not trying to put all the blame on the man, but most times it is. But we know. So for this particular moment, we are gonna say the husband is the pusher. Men, if you're listening to this, or ladies, if you want to direct your husband to this episode, men, hey, can I rub your feet then? Are you feeling tense somewhere? Do you need a massage? Can I bring you some ice cream? Whatever your wife is into, and don't expect. There you go, that's what I was looking for. Don't have any expectations from that, but be the supportive husband that you should be, and offer some type of release outside of intimacy. Right, and connect on a different let's cuddle. Let's I love to cuddle. Let's get some of your favorite ice cream and sit on the couch and watch Sex in the City, whatever. Yeah, you know, let's cuddle. And like Sil said, they may lead to something, right? Especially after watching Sex in the City, like okay, I think I'm ready. Yeah, so so men get in touch with that that side of connecting with your wife, with your girlfriend, with your partner, with your spouse. So that's my two cents. Our next key point is the weekly calendar audit. How to veto events that drain your shared domestic peace. How do you veto it?

SPEAKER_00 33:58

Get it out of here. Get it out of here. It's hard. It's hard sometimes because once again, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but sometimes you really do just have to say no. First thing I'm gonna look at is distance. Then I'm gonna look at do I need a babysitter or not? So there's there's like a few ways to start checking things off or you know, kicking things to the kirk. Sometimes, like it, I mean, so I I won't forget, I was pregnant, very pre oh, yeah, I guess I was very pregnant. And I have two nieces and a nephew who share a birthday within like the two weeks of each other. And they all, and this is like different size, three different sides of the family. It sounds weird, but basically three different sides of the family. And they all decided to have their parties on the same exact day. And we did it. We went and on our on our way back home, it wasn't just the pregnant hormones talking, because my husband also agreed, like, we're not doing this shit again. I remember that. We're not doing three parties in one day. You know, we didn't I was pregnant. I can't imagine having both my kids now and going to three parties in one day. That's crazy. No, it's not. I don't and that point it gets kind of a little like hard. Okay, like if is it like a big birthday, is it a small party? Like, you know, what what is the case? How are we gonna figure this out? Right? Yeah. Like who told us last? Okay, you you're out, you know, right? And I already know who that is. Okay, the person who sends invitations the day before. Okay, we know you know who you are. Exactly. Sorry, but Fink, you're off my calendar if you keep doing that shit. But but I mean, there has to be a way to veto events that might just be whoever invited last. Absolutely. Sorry, you're a little late.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

Okay, you plan a little sooner, ma'am. And make sure you get them out quickly and expeditiously. There are so many ways, ladies and gentlemen, to veto out. If you if you are feeling in a bind and all these invitations are coming your way and you I can't make everything, it's okay. Don't make it. Your kids tugging at your coattail. If you are if your cup is empty and you need it to be refilled, and the only way that you're thinking you can refill it is if you don't make that party, do what you gotta do. Do what you have to do to refill your cup. There are so many women and men, honestly, there are so many people in general that are walking amongst amongst the world with empty cups. Saying no could be just that one no could just be a little pour in your cup that's gonna elevate that cup to be filled again so you can begin to outpour and pour into other people.

SPEAKER_00 36:37

So keep that in mind. Now we are on to the parent raising kids who respect and use boundaries. Right, Anish, what is the struggle here?

SPEAKER_01 36:47

The struggle, the pressure to sign kids up for every activity, say yes to every play date, and satisfy every toddler whim to avoid tantrums. Let's realize that over scheduling creates anxious kids and that modeling boundaries teaches them self-respect. Those are great things to hyper focus on. Right.

SPEAKER_00 37:08

And we've talked about this before about overscheduling, packing the calendars. It's just too much, especially when it's all over. Okay, I think the the most effects are once all the scheduling is done and they kind of age out of things. It's like, okay, now I'm left with nothing. But also, right now at the time, over-scheduling these things, like it's just it's it's a lot. Kids like one thing after the next. And you know, when do they have time to reset? They also need just because they're kids and they're high energy and we think they can keep going, no, they also need to process what's going on in their lives. And if we're constantly packing their schedule, when do they process? When do they make connections if they're constantly on the go? And then that's also not what we want to model because when us as adults are overscheduled, we know that it's not right and we know it doesn't feel good. So why start that at such an early age when we know what it's like as adults? Right.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Yeah. Definitely has a negative backlash too. I feel the kids will start to rebel if once once they get older. My parents overscheduled me, so now I'm gonna do nothing. Right? I can do whatever I want to do. I would choose nothing. I choose nothing. Okay, let's talk about embracing the boredom boom. Why say no to constant entertainment sparks childhood creativity? Say no. So I know you feel deeply about this because we talk yesterday. Yes, yes, and and you know what?

SPEAKER_00 38:33

And I just had the discussion with my son not too long ago where I told him, it is okay for you to be bored. I'm okay with you being bored. Don't come. Actually, I think we were on the phone when he came to me, he told me he was bored. I made him clean the table. Don't come to me and tell me you're bored. Figure it out. Okay. Or go stare at the wall in your room. I I don't know about you, but growing up, I just had a whole flashback. Growing up, we had the popcorn ceiling. And I remember sometimes laying on my bed, and I feel like I would be able to see these little like figures, you know, just to make out these little like pictures out of the popcorn ceiling. Okay. Get creative. Okay, take a nap for the love of God.

SPEAKER_01 39:11

Oh, sweet Jesus, take a nap.

SPEAKER_00 39:13

But don't come to me and tell me you're bored because I'm gonna give you something to do. And I think he's getting better at it. But then you try to tell me, like, Mom, I know you said it's okay to be bored, but I just don't know what to do anymore. And he's like, figure it out. Like, yes. He's like, Okay, I'm just not having a good time. So you try to get away from saying I'm not bored, like, I'm just not having a good time. Like, well, you don't not not everything is a good time.

SPEAKER_02 39:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 39:36

Man, my kids, surprisingly, have been doing really well. I take electronics, they're not doing homework. Their their go-to game is the floor is lava. And they have been doing that. They're hide and seek. It's a new house. There's a lot of nooks and crannies here. So they they do the floor is lava, the floor is lava, and hide and seek. So tell my man that there are some games he can play out there. Let's move on. Teaching kids body autonomy and the right to say no, no, to unwanted hugs from relatives. This is really big. Hey, I like this one. Say don't you don't gotta hug Uncle Bon Bon? No. If you don't want that, definitely not Uncle Bon Bon. Why is that a name? I don't want people to feel like they can relate to this. I don't want people Yes, Uncle Bon Bon. Don't you hug Uncle Bon Bon? Uncle Bon Bon, he said no. This this is so big. I it and think it's second nature for parents to be like, no, you you hug Uncle Bon Bon and the kids are like, no, I don't want to hug him. And I've gotten to the myself, wait a minute, don't he don't wanna no, no, you don't get a fist bump because he doesn't feel like giving you a fist bump. Because he knows what yes and no is. So still, what are your what are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_00 40:54

So this one's hard. Okay, this one's hard, especially coming once again from a Hispanic family, where not saying bye to someone equals disrespect. Fun fact. I was told I was uneducated one time because I I wasn't told, it was said about me. I heard through a great fine that I was an uneducated individual because it did not say bye to a specific devil in our family.

SPEAKER_01 41:19

But not uneducated is crazy, right?

SPEAKER_00 41:23

That's crazy, you know. But it it's hard because I I want my kids to be respectful. I don't want them to be rude, and I do feel like it could be rude to not say hello or goodbye to someone. But does that always have to be a hug and a kiss? I I don't think so. Uh my son, he's older, so he's he's good at giving his grandparents hugs, his aunt and uncle's hugs. Uh his cousins is usually like a fist bump or something, you know, whatever kid. But like my daughter, she's at that age where she'll give me, she'll give kisses to like a few of us, but she don't kiss everyone. And I'm okay with that. Like you don't have to kiss everyone on the cheek. But it's it's kind of hard because she's only like three, and I don't want it forced. So it it's hard because it's there's that fine line between you don't want to raise your kids to be rude, but at the same time, they don't need to go and yeah, it's it's it deeply rooted in our culture. So it it gets tough, but I know that typically I am around when this is going down. So you're not gonna be creepily hugging my kid.

SPEAKER_01 42:25

Okay, Uncle Bon Bon. Like Sil said, it's definitely a cultural, deeply rooted. I'll say bye to everybody. I'm saying bye. I come in, I'm greeting people, I've embraced the culture, and to the point that I probably make other people uncomfortable. That's not of Hispanic culture because I'm like hugging people and they're like, girl, like, why are you hugging my man? And I'm like, oh girl, like sometimes I think I'm Hispanic, but that's because I've been part, I'm I'm part of Sills family at this point, and I just I know better. And but I can see that that gray area as a mom with the daughter specific, especially, not specifically, but with the daughter, especially, and bringing her up and teaching her at a young age. It's if you don't want to hug Uncle Bonbon, and I'm here to protect you, I'm gonna protect, I'm not gonna just hand you over to a stranger. So I definitely feel that just protect your kids, protect your children, protect your nieces, protect your family members, protect the ones that have those little voices that are important parts of your life. This is a whole episode that we could talk about within itself, but we will end on that as we move on to the last key discussion point breaking the cycle of modern parenting guilt by realizing a happy, rested parent beats a burnt out, perfect parent every single time. Get the rest, mama. Talk about it still.

SPEAKER_00 43:54

Okay, look, we all know, all of us parents know, there is no food. Perfect parent. We are not perfect. Okay. So let's just own it now. We're not perfect. We're never going to be perfect. Let's stop striving for perfection. Not gonna happen. Rest when you need to rest. Take your time when you need to take your time. Say no when you need to say no. Stop getting burnt out because you're saying yes to everything. You're saying yes to the play dates, to the activities. Mom, can we do this? Mom, can we do that? You get pulled in all these other directions that you just finally freaking lose it on everyone. Then you're definitely not perfect because now you're cussing everyone out. Yeah. No, say no. It's okay to chill at home on a Saturday. The kids will be like, what the fuck?

unknown 44:38

No.

SPEAKER_00 44:39

But they'll be fine. One Saturday, you know what? We're gonna just hang out at home. And we'll door dash, we'll do whatever. I'm not even gonna cook today. Because no one wants a burnt-out parent. No one wants to be a burnt-out parent. Absolutely not. And we're not gonna be perfect. So let's just own that now.

SPEAKER_01 44:57

Yes. We're not perfect. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Real quick, I feel like I'm a prime example. All these random states I've been moving to, and Lord knows I am the party queen. I bring the party. I have adjusted my lifestyle and I stay home on the weekends, like Still said. I used to be out. I want to be outside. And you wouldn't believe it because now I live in Iowa and I'm okay with it. I'm embracing all these random states that I've moved to, and it's okay. It is okay. I my peace is peaceful. My my calm is calm. My reset is reset, and my cup is full. My cup is legitimately full. The kids are fine. Kids are fine.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

The husband is fine.

SPEAKER_01 45:44

Everyone is fine. The cups are full. My cup is full. My cup isn't empty. My cup legitimately feels full. It's full. It's overflowing. It's overflowing. I feel great. So yeah, that's it. All right.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

And with that being said, let's get into our sing to me segment of the show. We've done a lot of talking. Let's try to do some singing. Okay. Okay. All right. So let's see. For those of you who have been tuning into pouring and parenting, you know how this goes. But if you are new to the show, welcome. And the way this goes is I will ask Einish a question based on song lyrics, and she will not only answer the question, but she needs to sing it back to me correctly. Then once she goes, it'll be my turn. We'll do that for two rounds and we'll see who gets the most answers correct. All right, Einish, are you ready? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

Kinda. Sure. Oh already. Here we go.

SPEAKER_00 46:43

Okay. Okay. And vogue. Hold on. The art of playing games now is what?

SPEAKER_02 46:49

Hold on. Do you love? You got the hold on dear. You gotta hold on to the art of playing games now.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

That's the rhythm. That's the first. Yes, you got yes. That's a damn first. We got there quick. Listen, I'm shook myself. That's crazy. Wow. I'm shook. Maybe I was ready. Okay. There we go. They are. Right? Is that where she goes to? Is she bringing down? It's not. That's it. That's it. That's all I got. Is that right? Okay, so listen to what I'm saying. Or am I missing? Do you hear what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 47:30

I hear what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 47:32

Is it not?

SPEAKER_00 47:32

I do hear what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 47:33

I think you're you're close. Right? It's am I saying enough? Oh hell, I don't know it. I don't know it. I don't know, Phil.

SPEAKER_02 47:41

The art of playing games now.

SPEAKER_00 47:44

It's not as the art of playing games now. It's not the heart you break. No love you make when it's hard to unfire. Give him love every day. Remember he needs space. Be patient and he'll give his heart to you.

SPEAKER_01 48:10

Ooh, that was deep. Ooh, those lyrics were it. Ooh. I was like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 48:15

The fact that you got to that part so fast. So fast. Like that was record in itself.

SPEAKER_01 48:21

Okay. Okay, Pino helping me move along. In escapes hit. Who can I run to? They know love has what?

SPEAKER_02 48:30

To fill the sand space. Who can I run to?

SPEAKER_01 48:36

Okay, what's the question? In escapes hit. Who can I run to? They know love has what? Shoot.

SPEAKER_00 48:43

This song it's not on my plate.

SPEAKER_01 48:47

No. But we follow Miss Candy too.

SPEAKER_00 48:50

Who writes who wrote all their songs too?

SPEAKER_01 48:53

Big ups to Miss Candy.

SPEAKER_00 48:54

That's like the only part I can think of.

SPEAKER_01 48:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

Yeah. I'm not even gonna. Yeah, go ahead. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 49:02

So in escapes hit, who can I run to? They know love has what? I know love has many meanings. And a message very clear. No?

SPEAKER_00 49:15

I'm gonna say expectations. I was stuck on expectations.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

Oh, okay. So I know love has many meanings is the answer. I would have thought you. I mean, I can't, I didn't think that you're a big fan. I was a big escape fan.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

Alright, next one. Don't take it personal by Monica. She just wants what?

SPEAKER_02 49:34

Take it personal. Take it. Don't take it.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

I'm gonna keep saying it over again.

SPEAKER_02 49:39

I'm gonna take some time to think through. Can I find myself in misery and nagging? She just wants what.

SPEAKER_01 50:04

I don't want to take it. Oh no, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 50:10

I don't take it personal.

SPEAKER_01 50:13

I just wanna be all alone.

SPEAKER_00 50:16

And you think I did you wrong. At least I wasn't grading you on that last part. Oh, that's great.

SPEAKER_01 50:22

I'm not grading. Not you grading me. When you what is it? What's she saying? See, I'll be making up words.

SPEAKER_00 50:27

Okay, so yeah. I just I just wanna be all alone. And you think I treat you wrong.

SPEAKER_01 50:35

Don't take it personal. Okay, you asked me Chris Brown. I'm gonna ask you Chris Brown. You asked me a week or two ago. Let's go. In Chris Brown's yo, she said she doesn't really dance. Chris says, okay, let's what instead?

SPEAKER_00 50:51

That's just one two step. One two step. If the music is moving too fast, got my hand a little tighter.

SPEAKER_02 50:59

Don't be afraid to come a little closer. Something about you thinks we wanna say yo.

SPEAKER_01 51:06

Mm-hmm. Damn it. Don't worry about it. We'll just one two step, but close enough. Correct. Correct. Oh, hey. Okay. That was fun. We're both looking in the same area.

SPEAKER_02 51:26

Same thing. Same. Right?

SPEAKER_00 51:29

Good stuff. Let us know if you got those. If you have any ones for us, those are any song lyric questions. Yeah. Don't give the answer.

SPEAKER_01 51:39

I know. I was like, how would they do that? Just DM us, email us, message us, find us on YouTube, go follow us on YouTube, show us some love. And there's videos. There are videos of us. If you don't know what we look like and you're wondering, find us on YouTube and Instagram, sweet Jesus, TikTok. We're there. I'm holding on. Still will be in charge of that before you know it. And that'll be popping too.

SPEAKER_00 52:05

Hopefully. Okay. All right, let's go ahead and move in to our next segment. So, Reba, we're talking about or discussing the power of no, being able to say no. But why do we struggle with setting boundaries? Why do we struggle to say no? Okay. So the first one is we confuse boundaries with rejection. When you're saying no to someone, it's not necessarily that you are rejecting them. You're not trying to push people away, but you're trying to create a sustainable relationship. Okay. So, and what I mean by that, and I think this happens maybe to, I mean, it can happen to anyone, honestly. But what the first thing I think of is like when you have like, especially like high school age, college age, you have those friends, and maybe one of your friends is like always asking for a ride. Okay. They don't have a car, they need a ride, and one day you're just like, I can't, I can't for whatever reason. I don't have gas. Well, whatever the case is. Okay. You're going to feel maybe guilt. They you're going to feel like you're pushing away, whatever the case is. They might feel a certain way about it, but if they're a good friend, they're going to understand, like, all right, cool. Okay. But a sustainable friendship or relationship isn't going to be like, okay, I have to drive you around all the time so we could be friends. That's not sustainable. It's just not going to happen. You're not going to be able to move or drive that person around all the time. And that shouldn't be the basis of your relationship or your friendship. Okay. So it's not you're rejecting them. It's not about pushing people away, but it's about creating a sustainable relationship. Anish, what do you think?

SPEAKER_01 53:37

I agree. There is a that gray area. And that person, when you say no that one time, immediately you hate me.

SPEAKER_00 53:44

And I can't believe unfollow blah.

SPEAKER_01 53:48

I can't believe you hate me. How dare you say no to me? But that's because you've never said no before. You haven't created that buildup. And now I really need this ride. And you're telling me no. How dare you when you should have said no, I can't pick you up from your mom's house, find another ride, or whatever the case is, but doing those little minor no's, building up to that point. And again, we're not saying that you should jump into saying no to a friend and whatever your relationship, and we're and also we're also not trying to guide you and direct you and tell you what to do either. Whatever your relationship is, take what we're saying to you with a grain of salt and try to figure it out if you find yourself in this position and you're, oh, this actually relates to me. How do I deal with this? Do make sure that I don't want to say micromanage, but I kind of want to say micromanage. Because if you have been taking your friend to and from school, and then all of a sudden you can't take them to school and they got a test that day, like that's kind of rude. I probably wouldn't choose that day to say no to them, but maybe have a conversation. Hey, I know you have a test next week. I won't be able to take you and and prep them for the no that's gonna come up if they didn't figure out their life a week before when you told them. So I think that I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 55:04

I kind of disagree. I I think it depends on the intention. I think it depends on the intention. Okay. So I'm not saying just say no, just to say no, because I've been taking you to school all these days, and all of a sudden I feel like saying no. But if you can't, it's not your fault if they have a test or not. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm not even told you like, but if you if they have a test that day and you still can't take them, don't put yourself in an awkward position or stress yourself out because they can't get themselves to school. Like you're not their, like they're not your responsibility. Right. I'm not totally agree with that necessarily.

SPEAKER_01 55:38

I'm not saying to not say no to them. I'm saying if you know next week you gotta take them to school and then you just I don't want to. I heard porn and parenting. And no, I'm not taking you to school next week. I'm saying don't don't do it because you're listening to this particular episode. Or to be malicious. No, I listened to this podcast and uh today's the day I'm gonna start saying no. I mean, you can do that too, and that's fine, but make sure you're doing it, that's what I'm saying. Make sure you're doing it at your own free will in your space. If you made commitments or whatever, and hey, I know I I told somebody yes, and I have a commitment a week ago, I'm saying don't break the commitment. Keep your commitment or break it and say, hey, I know I said what I can do next week, but I can't do it anymore. And if you're saying today's the day that I want to start saying no to people, just be responsible about making those commitments. And I'm saying that because to keep in mind the confusion of the boundaries. You don't want your friends to think that, oh, it's a no, or hell, they can think whatever they want to think too, right? But I'm just saying for the listeners that are listening right now and they are finding themselves in that yes space, there's a whole show, there's a whole movie on Netflix called Yes Day. We're gonna say yes to everything. And it's the parents saying yes to their kids and all this other stuff. If you find, if you're finding yours, if you're finding yourself in a space that you've said yes to everything and you're ready to get out of that space, we are here to say yes, we support you, but to do it in a in a manner that will preserve your friendship still. We don't want you to lose any any relationships that you have in your life, but be mindful of yourself too and your mental health. So, yes, create the boundaries. Are there people that are gonna confuse your no as rejection? Yes, and people are going to try to guilt trip you. Your friends, your family are gonna be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you're saying no. Are you serious? That's that's gonna come out. And you got your grandma.

SPEAKER_00 57:33

How could you say no to taking your grandma to the doctor?

SPEAKER_01 57:35

Literally, it's fine. Listen, listen to your gut. And if and again, if you are resonating with this episode, embrace that. Embrace diving deeper into further disconnect yourself from saying yes. There are books out there to help you be to stand tall, still heard a pastor, a lady pastor preaching about hey, just say no. You may, I don't, I don't want to say you're gonna lose friends or whatever, but I just want to keep it real with y'all and just yes, people are gonna confuse it and you're not pushing anyone away. You know that internally, you know that you're just trying to create a sustainable relationship that is going to be respectful, respectful for your space and your energy. So you're not having any of the reactions that we talked about at the beginning of this episode. That's what I feel.

SPEAKER_00 58:21

Right. Okay. All right. Well said, next one. Another reason we struggle to set boundaries is because it seems selfish. We feel like we are being selfish with our own resources or our own time, whatever that case may be. And especially for women, we are constantly being praised for our self-sacrifice. We sacrifice ourselves for our kids, for our husbands, and we sacrifice our education so that our husband can go to college and get that job while we stay home with the kids, whatever the case may be, it seems like people feel that it is selfish to set up those boundaries because we need to self-sacrifice. But once again, going back to the previous reason is it's not sustainable, right? It's not going to be sustainable for yourself and for those around you. It's not selfish to say no. You have to say no to take care of yourself. You need to prioritize your own needs, or you're not going to even be able to be there for others.

SPEAKER_01 59:19

Yeah. I 100% agree. Well said. Well said. The last one is fear of conflict. Disappointing or letting others down. You don't want to have that conversation of the pusher pushing you into the wall. Why can't you do it? Come on, let's go. Let's do it. We're gonna do it. You don't want to disappoint that person. Practice with the little things. That's why we led the show with starting with saying no to your littles, starting with saying no to the person at the drive-thru. Say no to the extra, do you want to give a donation to the Salvation Army? No, it's okay. They they say it because they're getting paid to say it. Who cares? They have a lot of money coming in. It's okay. You don't need to overthink it. Don't fear that. If your friend doesn't want to be your friend, again, especially for the younger generation, if you may be listening and you're a parent, and I'm a 20-something, I stumbled upon your podcast. If you're listening to this and you're probably already going through that because you're young with the child and your friends may not have kids, and they're like, come out, and you're like, hey, I gotta take care of my kid. You're like, oh, leave your kid with your mom. No, I can't. It's okay to say no because you want to do something for yourself. Embrace your own company, embrace the company of someone who's like-minded like you. If you're on a different chapter, if you're in a different phase in your life, and you have to like not even subconsciously kind of disassociate yourself with your circle without even realizing because simply because you're saying no to something, it's okay to do it. Even as adults, if you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s, again, whatever, whatever space or chapter you're at in your life, just get rid of that fear. It is going to be okay. You are saying no for your own sanity, for your self-care, your self-love. You need to refill your cup. You need to pour back into yourself. And the FOMO, get rid of it. Refer, you know, refer back to the beginning of the episode. Tell them, hey, give me a video call. Well, I'll take a shot with you on the call while I'm holding the baby. Me and the baby will say hi to you if if you feel so if you feel like you really need to be inclusive or included into whatever is happening, but don't fear about letting other people down because you need to focus on you.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:45

Exactly. And I think a lot of people that like number three is probably one of the biggest ones is that fear of conflict. You don't want to hear the guilt, the shame, the, you know, that's not fair, or you know, whatever the case may be. You don't want to have that argument or whatever, you know, whatever can come of it. You know, you don't want your friends to be upset with you, you don't want your family to be upset with you, but you do have to set those boundaries. And those who appreciate you, who know you, who respect you are going to respect those boundaries you put up. It's never too late to put up those boundaries. You have to take care of yourself, you have to honor your own needs. You cannot say yes to everybody and to everything. It's just not realistic. Take care of yourself. Okay. All right. And that brings us to the end of our episode. A challenge before we leave is we are gonna challenge our listeners this week to say no to one minor thing without apologizing, without all of the extra stress and all that comes with it. One minor thing, whether it's saying no to the person who comes to your door to try to sell you something, no to upgrading to an extra large fry, whatever the case may be, say no to a minor thing. Let's start building that confidence. That way you can find that peace and you could feel empowered by putting your own needs first. Amen to that. All right. Once again, thank you so much for listening to Pouring and Parenting, where sip happens and we pour about it.