SPEAKER_01 0:03

Grab your glass and pull up a chair. It's time for your favorite girls' night in. Welcome to Pouring and Parenting, where your besties, Sill and Ainish. We're here to laugh through the chaos. Hello, Poors. Let's start the show. Hi, and welcome to another episode of Pouring and Parenting. I'm Sill and I'm Aineish. And we have a fun episode for you. Today we are talking about how we can be our kids' biggest hater. Yeah, think about that one. Okay, do we hold our kids back? Do they think that we are their enemy? Let's see. Oh, let's get into it. Today I poured a version of what you made a couple weeks ago on your midweek pour, and it is a pina colada on the rocks. Only thing is that I did not use the spice rum, I just used Malibu rum. But oh my gosh, it is so delicious. It is so good. If you have not tried it, please do. The recipe is on our Instagram. Take a look. It is delicious.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

10 out of 10 recommend. Sorry. Yes. Absolutely. 10 out of 10. Anish, what did you pour? Ended up finally pouring my old fashion. So I have just a little splash of old fashion on the rocks. I use a pre-made bottle and it's good. It's good. It's been sitting a while, so it's a little watered down, so it's not as aggressive as it was earlier. All right. Cheers to that. Cheers. So good. And it's still so hot out here, so it's really refreshing. Alright, so today we are looking in the mirror. We talk a lot about setting our kids up for success. I think because why not? But what about the times we're actually the ones holding them back? So, Aynish, was there ever a time you felt your parents held you back from something you really wanted? Honestly, my parents are so supportive. And I don't know if it's because I'm the youngest and maybe they were tired of telling my older siblings no, no, no, and they just were like, hey, whatever you want to do, kid, let's do it. But honestly, a lot of the things I I was all over the place, and they just let me be all over the place. So I am grateful for that. I was able to explore my horizons and just and spread my little wings. Okay. Alright, well, good. What about you, still? So, yes and no. Okay. Yes, because there was a time when I was trying to figure out my life. I was in high school and I wanted to be a cosmetologist. And I had this whole plan. Like, I was gonna go to cosmetology school and I was gonna open up my business one day, and it was gonna be like a one-stop shop. Like you get your hair did, your nails did, everything did. Like it was gonna be that one place that you go to to get all beautified and have like a nice spot day. But my mom, she was like, no, they don't make a lot of money, blah, blah, blah. It's not secure, and all these other things. And I kinda she just like got in my head. So I clearly didn't pursue that. And I mean, I actually did hear that a lot, not necessarily from my parents, but like about being a teacher, um, just from others who were like, oh, you know, they don't make a lot of money, blah, blah, blah. And depending on where you live, it that's the biggest factor of money when it comes to teaching. But I mean, needless to say, I went with teaching and not cosmetology. But I always just wonder, like, oh, what could have been? Like, what could have been if I would have gone to cosmetology school? Who knows, right? Something else that I felt like they held me back, and this was more just like not a big deal, I guess. But I felt like they really controlled my social life for no good reason. So once again, like high school time. If I went out one day out of the week, that was it. Like, don't ask to go out two days in a row. That's crazy. Like, you're not gonna be out in the streets like that. And it's like, why? Like, why if I went out Friday night, why can't I go out Saturday night? Like, what? Like, I I don't understand. I still don't understand. I there was no good reason why. They just like, no, you're being too social. Like, no, you're gonna be, you know, out in the corner somewhere. Like, I don't know what they thought I was doing, but I just wanted to go and have fun. Right. Interesting. Yeah, I think it's a Hispanic being, from what I've heard. I I don't know what it is, but yeah, I they just controlled my social life. I don't I don't know. Very interesting. Okay. I was really open. We we had a very open line of communication. And I wasn't out there being reckless or anything, but they my parents, they're not strict, but I say yes ma'am and no ma'am to them. I would never answer them in any other form. So let that sink in with the respect that I feel like I I give my parents, but they still they they were very chill, I guess, in their own in their own regard. So interesting. Interest or yeah. Okay, all right. So now that we are parents ourselves, do you feel like any well, I mean, you didn't really have too many childhood restrictions according to your testimony right now. But do you feel like anything that you went through as a child, the way your parents raised you, if there's any like micromanaging things that you that you felt you went through, do you do that now with your kids out of maybe pure convenience or maybe anxiety? The only thing that I can reference that I probably moved a little differently than my parents did. And with the with us, and I say us, we both I feel had to be in by the street light. That was our you mentioned that a couple episodes with Vinny, and the street lights are on, you're in the house. That was my siblings and my rule of thumb as well. The streetlights are on, we gotta truck it back home. And but we were out free, free in the wild. And my oldest son, we were on vacation, and he was with cousins, and I immediately there were the he was with an older cousin, and he wanted to go to a friend's house. And immediately I'm thinking about a tracker. D do you have a phone? Where's where's the watch so I can track you people? And my in-laws are like, girl, calm down. They're going down the street. But I'm like, how many streets? How many blocks? And I was very they they ended up going and they they came back, everything was fine. But my instinct was to say, No, you're gonna stay here. And they reassured me that they were gonna be fine. In the neighborhood, it's a safe neighborhood, but it was just his first time being away from me without having any way to contact him. And so, if anything, that's the only thing that I can say that I almost held him back, but I let him go. Yeah, I could I can see that that's that's tough because you and you don't know the house, you don't know the people, you there's a lot of unknowns. So to just let him go, I would be the same way. You know, definitely have that anxiety. What about out of pure convenience? You hold them back out of pure pure convenience. The convenient, I mean, if there have been times that I've might see myself in a rush and perhaps I didn't give him enough time to do something. And I know that he's in a learning stage of we're teaching how to tie his shoes, and he's eagerly wanting to learn. And if it's time to go, and I may maybe I said it two times too late, so he's dragging his feet all time, let's go. And then the frustration begins. So I can see myself holding him back in that sense. He's getting really interested in wanting to learn how to cook. He's really into ramen noodles, the one that comes in a little bag, and he wants to make that. And if if we're behind schedule, I'm I'm gonna cook it. I'll cook it today, you cook it tomorrow. And so I definitely intercepted his moment of wanting to prepare his own food. And granted, I definitely want him to be independent in that regard too, especially as a young boy who's going to grow, you know, become this man. I want to make sure that he's self-sufficient in all areas. But I've I can say that I've intercepted not a lot, but I can I can count on a hand or two that I've I've chimed in when I probably should have fallen back and just allowed the moments to pass and and embrace his the his wanting to learn. I totally get that. I mean, our kids are damn near the same age by like a minute. But anyways, she is at the same stage where she's wound up put on her shoes. Luckily, she just puts on a lot of sandals and she just has to like get the loop in to put the velcro to stick on. And so she can for the most part do it. But it's like if you don't get her started at a decent time before you want to leave, it's like, oh my gosh, come on. She just wants it to be perfect too. Like the velcro can't be slightly off, it has to be in its spot. Um oh my gosh, the other day I tried to help her and she got mad at me and like, no, I do it. And I'm just like, come on, we gotta go. It's always when we're trying to rush out the door where you know we want to help them because it's convenient for us. I'm gonna put your shoes on right now, but it's also like that double-edged sword. Like, we want them to be independent, we want them to be able to put on their own shoes, put on their own clothes, you know, do whatever they need to do, but it needs to be on our time. Yes, there's a bluey episode about that. Yes, there is when she the mom really's trying to get out of the house and the kids are doing everything but getting out the door, and she's just like, come on, like it's right here. Yes, they're trying to go. Yeah, yes. Or a play date, yes. Like, yeah, like they just they don't get the aspect of time, like they don't care that you're running late, like you don't affect them none. Like, just let me put on my shoes. Yeah. If I want to. Mismatched no, like, but okay, yes, I get it. There are times where we hold back our kids because of pure convenience or even anxiety. Uh, my son, he likes to, he just he's a boy. Okay, he likes to push the limits. And there's been times where like he's on the playground and he wants to do the monkey bars, and I'm like, and they know when he was a little bit younger, they were just so hot. I'm like, nope, don't do it. You're gonna fall, you're gonna break your arm, don't do it. And it's just like, no, I'm scared. It's anxiety in me. You're very confident that you want to do this, and I'm sure you could, but I don't want to see you fall. I don't want you to get hurt, and you're gonna stress me. And I'm sure we do that a lot with our kids. Be careful and all the other things. But there is a trend that is quite the opposite of this. Okay, it's not just parents holding kids back, but kids holding themselves back, right? So this trend, I well, let me just tell you before I give you my opinion, I guess. All right, so parents are literally holding their kids back for athletics. So this pertains to those athlete students who are probably not where they want to be just yet. So they're trying to hold the clock back another year. So parents are holding back their eighth graders and having them repeat the eighth grade in order to grow and bulk up before entering high school. Now, when I brought this up to Anish, and she's like, Oh yeah, I know. I'm like, what the heck? This is news to me. I think it's insane. You either got it or you don't. Repeating the eighth grade to hopefully improve and get better. Like, no, what? Like you're doing too much. Okay, look at the stats. The percentage of people or kids, athletes who really make it to the big time is single digits, low single digits at that. What are we doing? Why are you holding your kids back? Why are the kids they have to get this information from somewhere, right? Like it must be their parents, it must be their parents, or whatever they're reading, like, oh yeah, stay back another year. Hey, like when I was growing up, we were ready to get like, oh, I can't wait another year, high you know, one more year of high school. I'm almost there, and only four more years of school left. We do whatever the case is, and now now you're purposely adding another year of of school. Give me a freaking break. For athletes, you're pro you're more likely not even gonna make it. That's awful.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

They are delaying the clock before they go into those four years. So crazy. That's eyeshadow if your kid came to you and was like, Mom, dad, I wanna stay in eighth grade one more year because I want to have a better chance when I go into ninth grade of I mean, what are they trying to do? Make it a varsity first year? Like, I was not look at you, you're a freshman on the varsity team. That in middle school, quite frankly. But the odds, you know, the probabilities, the odds, it's just not there. So what do you think? What what would you be okay with that? No, no, no, no, absolutely not. Education to me is far more important than having the and and you can have the dream to be an elite athlete, but the but elite is such a powerful word. And not saying that my child can't do it or the next child can't do it, but to be elite, that is that is a God-given gift. And yes, you can train for it and everything else, but either you have it or you don't have it. So if one child came to me saying that, no, either you have it or you don't. If you're not where you need to be in eighth grade, do better in ninth grade. But I'm not gonna hold you back. That's that makes zero sense to me. And I'm where's the confidence at, right? Yes, uplift your kids. And the parents that are agreeing to this may think that we're crazy, quite frankly, because oh, I'm training, I'm training little lebrons, I'm training kings, I'm training these perfect athletes. What where are your standards? Why why are you putting all of this pressure on your children? Why does your 10-year-old have a 13 path? Why are you pushing them so hard? You like let these kids be listening, let these kids be kids. And uh quite frankly, a lot of the kids, a lot of these young men, a lot of these young women, a lot of these elite athletes, their background is coming from poverty, maybe, depending on the sport that we're talking about. So you think that you broke the code and ah, that's it. Ah, there's a trick. I'll keep you back another year. So now you're doing 13 years instead of 12. And insane. It's just insane. It's foolproof. It's selfish as a parent to have your super senior be a super senior and they're 18, 19, pushing senior year looking crazy because they got a full-blown mustache and a full-grown woman's pocket in 11th grade is very selfish as a as a parent, and they should hyper focus on education and or excuse me, and athletics uh after that. Because the odds are are slim to none. Right. I agree. And it I would love, love, love nothing more than to hear a success story out of this here. Because I mean, someone must have done it, but the odds of it happening again is crazy. Like it's just you know, I don't even like statistics, but yuck, you know, this is awful. Like you, you must not know math if you're doing stuff like this. You know that the odds are more against you than they are for you. Teach your kid confidence if they're if they are passionate about this sport, whatever they're doing, let them be passionate. But the pressure to compete, that you're just doing too much. You're putting too much on their little shoulders. Right. And quite frankly, now you have this older child competing against younger kids. Where's the competition in that? Now you have a 13-year-old competing against 12 and 11-year-olds. You have your 14-year-old. So obviously, yeah, they're gonna look better across the boards, but it's not even a it's not even a fair playing field that they're on. And still there could be someone better than your older kid. Yes, who's the uh in the appropriate age that they are supposed to be in? Yes, you can't you can't force little John who prefers to play the trumpet to get on the football field and tackle someone. That's just not gonna happen. It's natural, natural talent. Right, okay, yeah. So one trend that I don't like, don't do it, don't hold them back. Kids, just I mean, you're probably not listening, kids, but but if you are, don't do it. Don't repeat the eighth grade, okay? Parents don't let your children no one wanted to be held back. All right, so moving on to our next segment. This is called the convenience clog. So the concept here is discussing how parents stall their child's development simply because doing it for them saves time. So we did talk touch base on this a little bit. So there's a time where you're watching your kids do something and it's like, oh my God, let me just help you. You might not even be in a hurry, but you just cannot bear to watch them keep doing whatever it is they're doing. For example, you help them clean their room because they they're just not doing it right. They're putting underwear where their pajamas go, they're putting Legos where their books go. They just think that anything off the floor makes their room look clean. So you do it for them. Nope, I'm not gonna deal with this. This is not how your room should be clean. I'm gonna do it for you. Are we really helping them?

SPEAKER_02 17:36

No.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Or is that a convenience for us? Let me just hurry up and do it. I'll be done in two minutes. Well, it takes you an hour to put things in the wrong place. No, we cannot do that. What about answering for them when another adult asks them a question? So they turn into our mute sidekick. Oh, hi, how are you doing? Oh, are you not feeling well? Oh, yeah, no, they're sick. No, oh, she just woke up. No, we cannot answer for them because then they're never gonna want to answer people. I got my mom, I got my dad, they'll do my f ⁇ ing. I don't need to talk to you. I got my secretary right here. We'll do it. Okay, so it's just kind of out of convenience, but we're holding them back from the things that they're supposed to be doing. So we need to move from the I'll just do it. So us parents, like, we'll just do it and just accept the chaotic timeline of a learning child. Yeah. Let their room look crazy. I know my son, oh my gosh, bless his heart. When he first started making his bed, half the blankets were off the bed. They were just h hanging off as many times as they should. And I was like, what the hell? All right. He was all proud. Oh mommy, I made my bed. Yeah, you did. Mm-hmm. I just gotta accept it. Okay, whatever comes out of their mouth when they get asked something. Oh crap. Okay, hang on to your butts. Something they're gonna say whatever comes to their mind, and it could be crazy. Just accept it. I always used to be so scared taking my son to the store. The cashier, the clerk, someone will ask him something, and I'm just like, oh great, what is he about to say? And sometimes I would answer for him because I'm like, oh no, and there was just craziness going on at the house. Let me answer before he says something crazy. But we just gotta accept it. It's it's a learning process, speech and just have being able to have that discourse, that is a skill that's learned. And if we're constantly speaking for them, they're not gonna learn that. They're not gonna learn how to carry a conversation because someone's constantly answering for them. They don't learn it. That's the 20th. Absolutely. Well said. I agree. The whole bed making moment, we went through that. We're still in that space where the way he makes his bed, it's it's getting better. And that's the thing. That's how we learn. You have to make mistakes, you have to fumble, you have to trip over your words or make the bed a little wacky kooky. And ultimately, their their little hands, their speaking, all of that starts to align because they're making the mistakes and they're recognizing that. They have to, they have to grow. Even as adults, we do the same thing. We fumble, we fall, we pick ourselves back up again and learn from the mistakes. But they can't learn if we're speaking for them. They can't learn if you're interjecting yourself into whatever that is that they're trying to learn. And they they're so proud. He said that Benny is hype about his little crazy looking bit that he just made. Yes, great job. Hype them up. And honestly, mentally, they'll probably think, How can I make this better? How can I do this like mommy does it? And don't be afraid that, dear God, I just hyped them up and they're gonna do the exact same thing. I guarantee that next couple of times it's gonna be just a little bit better. And then maybe when they're gone, fix it a little bit, and then they'll see that and be like, oh, they may think they did it and try to recreate that. I just I did this better than I thought.

unknown 21:01

Right?

SPEAKER_01 21:02

They come up on school to beds perfect. Whoa! So don't be afraid to let your children spread their wings and give them the space to mess up, give them the space to fall down to learn from their mistakes so they can grow and be amazing little humans to society. And we need them to be good little humans or big humans at this case in society, right? Yes. All right, so moving on. We did an episode a while back called Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes with Dr. Tina. Okay. And we learned about how telling kids no or don't do that constantly interferes with their normal curiosity and forces them to question their own instincts. What am I doing that's constantly wrong? I never do these things right. And they just get in their own heads because we're constantly telling them no or don't do that. So it is the unintentional hater behavior. Us parents, we're the haters. So nah, not me. We don't want to be. Haters, right? We don't want to be haters, so we gotta figure out how not to hate an orchid. Are you ever, I niche, the playground warden? Are you constantly yelling, be careful, don't do that, stay away from here. Put that down. Not no. I was a helicopter mom at the playground and I was hovering, and so I didn't have to yell because I was already there. Now I okay, let that sink in. Let that sink in. But no, now I I sit back, relax, they have each other, they watch out for each other, and I don't regret my helicopter mom ways by any means. So high five to any other helicopter moms out there. Unite. Helicopter moms unite. But no, I I don't, I don't, that's my answer. I'm sticking to it. I don't think I do, at least. So Anish last year was at my house frequently, which was not an issue. But she very much is a playground warden. Holy guacamole, if she wouldn't leave those kids alone. Now, mind you, Benny was a lot. He's a couple years older than her son, but my gosh, if she she just would not let them figure it out. Let him figure it out. That'll be fine. They're only in our backyard. I think I'm more protective over my oldest one than I am my youngest one. And that's because my oldest one has a speech delay, and I feel it's difficult for him to articulate his emotions. And I am very protective of that over him. I will 100% admit that, that his speech delay and just the way he processes things are very different than the average child. And so when I'm present, I hear him articulating, and I'm like, oh dear God, what do you mean to say that? And so I honestly I feel I just I don't want kids to pick on him or like make fun of him because he's not running around saying, I have a speech delay. Do you want to play with me? Right. But that I I do know I okay, I do do that. The youngest one, please, he's gosh, I'm more concerned about the other kids when he's around, but I will I will own up to that. And it it just has a lot to do with maybe just miscommunication and my son just trying to find his words. And I guess that all intercepts with everything that we're discussing right now because but you know, he goes to school by himself, he handles it, he has a lot of friends, he communicates well. He really does. That kid is a social butterfly, he has a lot of friends, he's doing it right. He's doing it right. But then I hear him though when I'm there. I'm like, is it how are you how are you making friends with this conversation with this dialogue? Are you making friends with this dialogue? They're kids, they are like he to speaks with other kids that are very similar to him. Yes, they figure it out. These kids, look, these kids, they communicate without even, they don't make sense. I hear a lot of conversations. I'm like, what? How did you know to do that? Like, okay, they they just do it, they figure it out. But I get what you're saying, and I'm glad that you did because being able to step back and let our kids figure out the world on their own, it's hard. It's hard because we want our kids, we want others to see our kids the way we see them. We want others to treat our kids the way we want them to be treated, the way they deserve to be treated. And we know that the world, it's scary and it could be ugly, and kids could be mean, other adults could be mean. So I get it. You, you know, you say your son has a speech uh delay. I I get that with you know what my daughter's been going through. And it's hard because you like you can't sit there and explain to every person, oh, he has a speech delay, she has a speech delay. Like not everyone needs to know, but you also want them to treat them right and understand them. But in in reality, you can't go explaining your kids I mean, you can, but it's probably not ideal to go around and explaining their condition to every single person they encounter. It's just and they might not even care. So it's hard, and I I totally get it. You know, we we send our kids out into the world, and that's probably the hardest thing about being a parent is that you cannot control or protect them every day when they're yeah, when they're not around you, you just can't, and it's really hard. And that would be of one thing that's if I never had kids, that would be why. Because the world I'm scared of how the world is gonna treat my kids when I'm not around. That's the worst fear of a parent is your kid being bullied or someone making them cry or hurting their feelings. That's your heart. It's your heart out there running around in the streets, the playground. Yeah, playground streets. So let's go ahead and move on. Okay, let's liven it up a little bit. Okay, let's get into our sing to me segment of the day. The way this works, now, if you have been following us and listening to us, you know that I will be asking Ainish a question related to a song, and the goal is for her to not only answer it correctly, but to sing it back to me. Then she will ask me questions. We'll do that for two rounds and let's see who gets the most answers correctly. If this is your first time, welcome and I hope you enjoy. All right, Ainish, are you ready? Sure. Okay. All right, so when I first thought of this episode, I kept hearing pulling me back by Chingi entire race. So that's where this question comes from. So Chingi says, but I can't help it if blank would be attracting all the girls. Fill in dot blank. Chains. Okay, can you sing it to me, please? I can't help it if my chains keep attracting the girls. That is my final answer. You're close. Well, and the sound at least. So it says, but I can't help it if Chingaling be attracting all the girls. Chingaling. That's what I was hoping you were gonna say. But you said chains. So you're wrong.

SPEAKER_02 28:13

Chingaling.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

But the shoes. Okay. Okay. And pinks. There you go. What did pink say got old? Wow, that's taken aback.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

There you go. Actin. Is it full? Pink actin. Just because I let you go. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 28:39

Got old. Games.

SPEAKER_02 28:41

Tick, tick.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

Those the dynamite. Dang it. I don't know. It got old. His games. Games got old. Is that your final answer? Yes. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

Okay. Uh you're close, huh? Kind of. Okay. There you go. Talking about you miss me so that you love me so. Why I let you go. There you go. Because your lives got old. Look at you. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

So because your lives got old. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

Because your lives got old.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

Lies, games, it's all the same. It's all the same. Alright, dang it. So once again, sticking to the theme of holding people down. Okay. Christina Aguilera's can't hold us down, featuring little Kim. Little Kim says, to all my girls with a man who be trying to blink, do it right back to him and let that be that. So you gotta film that thing. Oh, tell my girls that be trying to blink. It was on BT. To all my girls with a man who be trying to hold us down. Do it right back to him and let that be that. You need to let him know that his game is whack. It sounds like Lord knows. Lord knows, I don't know. That's my answer. Man. Gonna hold us back. No. It was a one word. Take some of the blank blinks down. To all my girls with a man who be trying to Mac, do it right back to him and let that be that. And you let him know that his game is whack. And little Kimmy, Christine, I guess I got you back. Okay, I I have faith in you. A lot of pressure. I have faith. Alright, it's lock in. In where my girls at? They say to not do what? I'm looking for a particular answer. Okay. What's that? So we're in Don't Do What? Okay, what's the song again? In where my girls at, they say to not do what? Don't you repeat that? Trying to take Wait, I still have other songs like my hand.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Oh well hand. Don't you repeat that? Trying to take my hand no one. So don't play some where my girls are.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Did I sing it? Is that your final answer? That's my final answer. That is incorrect.

SPEAKER_02 30:53

No. First of all, it's where my girl's at. From the front to back. Yeah, are you feeling that? Put one hand up. Can you repeat that? Trying to create some man.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

The the answer though, I just wanted to correct you real quickly is hey, hey, hey, don't you violate me. Oh, dang it. I should have kept going. You should have kept going. Dang it. I was so confident. Yes. Man. We are stumping each other. It was a time that you continuously stumped me over and over again, repeatedly kicking me on the ground. And here we are. I thought you would have got that, honestly. I mean, I know the song, but clearly I don't know the words. You definitely know the song. Okay. Well, listeners, I'm sorry you had to hear such a loser fest. Yikes. Oh, but hey, make sure you chime in on social media, lock in, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. The people are starting to come in. I don't know if you notice, though, but people are starting to follow us at their own fruit. At their own fruit list. No pressure. But get in while you can fit in. So we are at the gold star cage. So the concept here overpraising or overcurating their environment, so our children's environment, so they never experience failure. So meaning we basically let them win, tell them they get did a really good job, even if they didn't, and we just make it so they feel like they're just winners all the time. Anish, are you guilty of this? Oh, I don't talk down to them, but I also let them know what it is. I definitely, I mean I keep a 100 with her, but I keep it real close. I don't want to knock their ego down so far that they don't feel comfortable to come to us as their parents. So I do feel there is a fine line between being real with them, being realistic with them. You didn't do that, great. Let's figure out how we can move forward so you can do better. And I think that that's a healthy space to be, but hyping them up and boosting, boosting them up does a a disservice to them and for the people that they're going to encounter as as littles, as adults, because they ultimately have this ego of I'm perfect. My parents tell me I'm perfect, so I don't know what you're talking about. So no, I don't, I definitely don't do that. But I'm again, I'm not verbally abusing my kids either. You suck. Oh, you're terrible. I'm not doing any of that, but there we definitely will discuss how things are moving. You didn't do this right. With I, real quick, as for an example, I provided summer school during the summer. I'm the teacher. I'm giving check marks. You didn't get this right. This was wrong, this is wrong, this is why it was wrong. So come over here and fix it. I'm stern. Hey, I speak with authority and let him know hey, you did this wrong. You're moving too quickly, because I know you know the answer. Slow down and get the work right. Do it, do better. And so just speaking with authoritiveness and making sure that they both under even the little one. I ain't playing with you. That line was crooked. I don't care that you're connecting dots over here. A little three-year-old. Uh, we're there's lines for you to follow. Follow the lines, quit playing in my face. And it's so they understand. I'm not reigning over them. I've I've said that before about reigning, but so no, I it's a it's a fine, fine balance here, I will say. So what about you? How you how y'all looking over there? I think it also could depend on the child individually, like what their what their personality is about, like losing and winning and all that. Now, with the little one, uh, she does. I think we're fine with her. Yeah. Like that, I mean she's only three, so we do praise her what she does well, but I mean, right now she's only improving. Like, there's nothing that she's like not doing well in, if that makes sense. Where she's at developmentally, like, yes, she's l learning to like use writing utensils and stuff like that, but I'm not correcting her yet. I just want her to get comfortable holding it. So that's a little bit different with her just at where she's at right now. But my son, for example, he he takes things very hard. And so if he's really into something like playing cards, my family and I, we like to play cards, and the card game that we play, it's it's a lot of strategy. And even though he's really good at numbers, the strategy is off sometimes. So I'll I'll help him, I'll give him input and I'll I'll try to correct him as best as I can. Because I mean, technically I shouldn't be looking at his cards. But if he makes a mistake, I'll let it slide maybe once or twice. That'll mean I'm letting him win. If I got the cards, I'm winning. Okay. Same thing with other games that we've played. I'll I'll let him make a mistake here and there. But after so many, like I'm still gonna try, I'm still gonna play to win. But if it's something like, oh, he would automatically be out, I'll you know, I'll give him a chance without him really realizing it.

SPEAKER_02 36:13

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

And then I tried to correct him, but there's times where he just gets in his own way and gets a little hard-headed, and I'm like, all right, that's how you want to play, no chances, done. Say less. And I beat him. But I tried to explain to him, like, this is why you lost, like, this is what you could do next time. Yes. And he's at the point where now he's teaching his little cousins how to play the game. So it's just it's it's a process. But if you're constantly letting them win, when they lose to someone else, they're like, wait, what? I thought it was amazing. I thought that's not the case. What's funny is that so he just recently started a new school and tetherball is his jam. Okay. Tetherball is his thing. And I can't tell you how many times he's game home telling us he's a tetherball king.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

He's beat my son. Yeah, he he's him and tetherball. That's when I go together. Yeah, you know what? Yeah. But now at his new school, the first thing was like, they play tetherball wrong here. I'm like, what do you mean they play tetherball wrong? He's like, oh yeah, something about a double touch or you're out, or I don't know what exactly. And I'm like, I mean, they don't play wrong, they just play differently. Like to them, and that's how they play. But you're coming from another school, you guys have your own culture, your own way of doing things. When it comes to tetherball, they have their own. He's like, No, it's wrong. It's wrong. I was out. I was automatically, yeah. Because I had just started playing, and he he just takes it so seriously. But I'm like, hey, you now you gotta learn a different way. So that that one was a little bit hard for him because, like I said, he would come home telling us how he's a tetherball champ, you know, all these other, you know, he's to the ball god, whatever he is. And we have to the ball court here at the house because like he just loves to the ball so much. So it was a big hit to his ego when he got there. And I mean, he and he'll beat me any day. Like there was no I didn't stand a chance. My husband, I think, has beat him, but he's also lost to him a few times. So, you know, he he can play, but you also gotta learn, like, hey, people do things differently, there's different rules in other places, like it's it's okay. You just gotta accept it and learn. Just don't automatically assume that you're the best, you're gonna be the best all the time. There's always someone bigger and better. Yes. So if we're gonna clean them back. Yes, yeah, because that's coddling at the end of the of the day. And and I feel like we've probably all been victims of coddling our children. There are kids, there are babies. I I cobbled over there when I feel like he can't let me chime in and speak for him because I feel this is what he wants to say. And maybe he's he doesn't want to say that. And he's articulating exactly how he wants to articulate. So I I feel like this whole moment is making sure that parents to just, you know, let loosen up the the rope, loosen up your group a little bit with your kids and let them explore. And your response, still, to him with, hey, that's that's what they do here, figure it out, make some adjustments, because that's really difficult for kids to do is adjust. Change is very difficult for for kids. So you saying, Hey, that's what they do here, figure it out, embrace the change is definitely going to benefit him as he progresses older, you know, his into adulthood. Right. Yeah, for sure. And lastly, from us stepping in and cuddling them when it comes to games, what about their schoolwork? Have you ever stepped in to fix like a school project or make it look like it's a lot better than it actually was? He did a dinosaur project in kindergarten, and we we were, you know, we worked together, picked plants and made dirt, and we used a box. We that was the rules of the game, used the shoe box or some type of box and put it in there, but he glued everything. He I helped, because again, he was in kindergarten, but everything was his vision. Every dinosaur is where he wanted the dinosaur to be, and we had rocks, and he placed the rocks where they wanted to go and everything. First grade, there wasn't a project, and during the summer, during the summer, we taught him uh it's I guess my own version of summer school, and he had to write a poem in one of the books that I purchased, and I let him, and of course, in the beginning pages, they there were there were poems in there, different styles of poems and everything, and he was able to choose the style that touched him most, and he wrote his own poem. I let him write the poem. I proofread it with him, and he recited it to his dad, and it was his poem. That was his first poem that he ever written. So, if anything, that's the only other project. But I it was free will, do whatever you want to do. This is your poem, this is your thoughts, these are this is your vision. He the poem was about a basketball player, and it was about Dr. J. And I it brilliant, a brilliant poem indeed. So that's good. It it's hard. It's hard to watch them, especially when it's like, oh, like you should do it this way, or you know, you know, but good. You're hands off for the most part, right? I know my son has had a couple of projects. The last one he did though, I helped them a lot with the research. Because, and that's the one thing that I can't stand, is when kids go to research and they just go to Google and they get the first line that they see um on the information summary for each like link instead of opening the actual links, like it's a whole thing that us teachers go through. But anyway, so I I did help him with the research and I showed him how to read it, try to put it in his own words. And this project was something it would it was for a storybook for the whole class. They all had their own individual story or information that they were gonna put into this book, and the the parents could buy the book if they want. So I had already paid for the book and we were told the parents that you know they were gonna have like the art to go with it and all this stuff. Well, while played, the teacher had them do the majority of it in class. So when he showed me the final product, I was like, oh my god, okay, great job. Like, what was we like to do? I couldn't help him, and I'm like, the research that we did, what happened? Like, I don't understand, you know. I mean, he did a great job. At the end of the day, I could definitely say it was 100% his work. It was hard, but it's only because I want him to do good. But I also understand it has to be their work. They'll be more proud of it because it was theirs and not their parents. Try me to. So we as parents need to allow the natural consequences of life to be their teacher to help guide them in situations. If they forget their homework, they get a zero. We don't ask the teacher, hey, can you send it to me? Let's, you know, maybe Captain Save a hoe for my kid. Like, no, they gotta be responsible. Okay, there has to be natural consequences for them to actually learn the lesson. I know my parents didn't do that. Are you for your homework? Figure it out. It is what it is. All right. So we are nearing the end of our episode. But before we leave, let's have you, listeners, try this out for this week. So let's call it action. Okay. Pick one thing that you usually do for your kid and actively force yourself to sit on your hands while they stumble through it. Now you don't have to literally sit on your hands, but let them struggle a little bit. If you're constantly helping them tie their shoes or put on their shirt or put on their, you know, whatever it is that they do, see if they can figure it out for themselves first. Don't just help them. If it's a timing issue, maybe try to set yourself up for success and start getting them early or start letting them get themselves ready a little bit earlier. Extra 10, 15 minutes, depending on the struggle. But just bite your tongue, sit on your hands, whatever you gotta do, let them stumble through whatever it is they're going through so that they can learn. Okay, it's gonna take time, but eventually they're gonna get it. Anish, anything else? I think that making sure that as parents really just embrace that our kids are growing and they're doing exactly what they are supposed to do. They are supposed to grow, they are supposed to flourish and become beautiful human beings to help us with society. So at the end of the day, you just have to hold on to each other through the growth spurts. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Pooring and Parenting. Where sip happened and we pour about it.