SPEAKER_01 0:03

Grab your glass and pull up a chair. It's time for your favorite girl's night in.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to Pouring and Parenting. We're your besties, Sill and Anish. We're here to laugh through the chaos. Hello, Pourers.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Let's start the show. Hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Pouring and Parenting. It's your girl Einish. And Sil. And thank you for tuning in with us again for another fun-filled episode. Today's episode is titled R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Tell me what does that mean? All of that. So respect, respect, respect, respect. We are going to be diving into the boundaries of some old school manners and modern gentle parenting and what that looks like. Now, we're going to compare the two. We're going to talk about what it means to enforce authority without fear and debating what mutual respect actually looks like in a home. So stay tuned, hang tight, get your drinks if you're of age and if you're at home comfy in your cozy spot. Grab a drink and relax. So, what did you pour? What did you pour today?

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Today I did not pour, but I am cracking open. Let's hear a little crack. Crispy. A white claw black cherry. You know how I do. Okay, nice and cold, and I need it because it is freaking. It's like we are in hell right now over here. It's awful. I keep hearing that.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Can't say that. Our weather is actually getting cooler out here. And I want to say I don't miss it, but I feel the heat out here is it's just a different type of heat in Iowa and in different states outside of Cali. The humidity is yuck. The bugs, I I can't. I can't with the bugs out here, but I feel you. I know what that heat feels like. But the bugs, honey. It's nasty. But yay to a white claw.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

And what did you pour today?

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Samezies, twinsies. I already cracked my white. Okay. I know. But there were those of my nails hitting my little keep it cool, cozy thingy. Um, or koozie. What's it, cozy or koozie? Koozie. It's a koozie. Coozie.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

Koozie.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

I mean, it's probably cozy too, but it's a koozie. Right. My white claw is nice and cozy in the koozie. It's a blood orange. I cracked open blood orange. Ooh, good old. Have you had that flavor? You've had that flavor.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

I have. I want to say I've probably had all the flavors by this point. At this point, right? I so we a couple weeks ago got back from Vegas, and I finally, yes, it's done. It happened. It was such a good time. But I introduced Einish to a new white claw flavor. Grape. Yes. Was it not so freaking good?

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Yes, yes, yes. That was my first time having great. And it was good. There's like what two out of the so many that they have that we don't like. And we both don't like them. The two.

unknown 3:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

And green apple. Exactly. Yes. And they're, but they're they're killing the game with all the other flavors. Great is good. I'll have to keep a lookout for that podcast. It was sort of grepey. Yeah, it was good. It was good. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, like Sol said, we we just got back from Vegas a little while ago. We saw the Chris Brown and Usher RB tour. We had a blast. We drank, we laughed, we belted, we we danced. If you if you're not going, if you already went, it was a good time. We posted a little reel on our page. Probably post some other little knit nats because we have a lot of video footage. And just if again, if you're not following us, we say it on every episode. Find us, follow us, and you can see how we turnt up at the concert. Because the time was happening. Such a good time. Oh, so fun. It sure is. We gotta do something again like that. I don't know what, but we gotta I agree. We gotta plan another another girl's trip. It was a good time. So cheers. Cheers to the concert. Cheers to reuniting. Cheers. Cheers. Finally, oh good times. Dink. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Enough of all that sentimental stuff. Let's get into the nitty-gritty of today's episode. Respect. I'm gonna ask a question, still no need to answer. Just let it marinate. Ladies and gentlemen, let this question just marinate in your spirits. Do kids automatically owe parents respect because of their role? Or is respect a two-way street that has to be modeled and earned? Just think about it. How do you feel? What you know, what does that make you feel? Moving on from there, we have a couple of hot topics that we're gonna jump into. We're gonna discuss the question above a little later on in the show. So hang tight, but let's get into hot topic number one: the respect your elders shift. According to a Pew Research Center survey on modern parenting, 72% of parents say it is harder to raise kids today than it was 20 years ago, with over 60% citing shifts in discipline styles and a lack of traditional respect as a primary struggle. So let's talk about that. Do you first of all, do you agree with that statement? Do you feel that parenting now is tougher than our parents parenting us or our gr, you know, our parents' parents parenting them?

SPEAKER_00 5:29

I think so. Growing up, there was this sense of you have to be so respectful that it was kind of hard to play around and be able to show, like be silly and and show who you were sometimes because that line could be crossed so easily sometimes when trying to be respectful or keep continue being respectful. And I just feel sometimes you couldn't really show who you were because someone would get offended really easily. And now we're like playing in between the two. You have your some of your parents who are still trying to keep those traditional values and those who are a little more lenient. And when kids come across that, sometimes they come off as rude. And then sometimes, you know, depending on who they're talking to, like it's just fine, it's not an issue. So I I see that as a struggle.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Right. So there's a line with certain authoritative figures amongst the household. Maybe you have your fun auntie, and then you have your serious auntie. Moving forward, let's talk about exploring the shift away from fear-based authority, which is, I feel like what you're kind of talking about, the because I said so. You can't do this because I said so. So, does the modern parenting now lack clear boundaries? Or are parents just trying to build better emotional connections versus what was going on 20 years ago? Like, do you think that there were clear boundaries set in stone 20 years ago versus where is that line now? Because it's not clear, or maybe there's a line, but sometimes there is a line and sometimes there's not a line.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

So I think there was a definite line before. Like, you didn't ask why, you didn't ask too many questions. Like if you ask something, like whatever the answer was, that's what it is. Like you don't question things. And I see that as good and bad. So, like, you know, no, I'm not gonna buy you this toy. Why? I really shouldn't have to explain to you why I'm not gonna buy you this toy. But if I tell you don't, don't play in the kitchen and you say why, and me saying because I said so, like that doesn't really clear up anything. There is a reason why I don't want you playing in the kitchen. You're gonna get burned, you're gonna get hurt, you know, I'm cooking, you're in the way. So, like it just sometimes there really is a reason why you should explain because kids might not know sometimes. Like, you know, they start off as a blank slate and they they learn as they grow and experience things, but where if we're causing saying because I said so or no, or us not wanting to explain ourselves, that also creates confusion. Like they don't get why. And maybe if they get why for the first time, then we won't have to keep we won't have to keep explaining ourselves or they won't keep asking questions when they already know the answer.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

I can I think that does build a more of an emotional connection because you they show that, oh, I can come to my parent and ask them questions or question something and they'll give me a response without being upset. Now, once again, being a parent, I think that line sometimes is hard because there's times where I'm like, I don't f I really just don't feel like explaining myself. No, you can't just because I said so. But at the same time, sometimes they really do need an explanation and it just like oh, okay, I guess you mom, you know, and yeah, sometimes it's faster to explain than to be like, well, why? And why not? And I went, I should have just explained it the first time and we would have been done with this conversation.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Yeah. A lot of the old school parents would you just accepted it and you moved on. And so I guess the rebuttal to that is did they turn out okay, these kids from 20, 30, 40 years ago, with the lack of explanation? And then another question would be to ask those adults now, do you do that with your kids? Did you feel less connected to your parents because they were so shut off? I'm the adult, you're the child, and this is what it is. Do they treat their kids differently now? I wonder, are they keeping that tradition alive? Do they feel they turned out differently because they were lacking those emotional connections? So just answer my question. I'm asking you a question, and you're just you're so above me that you won't even answer it because you're my my adult. So I wonder.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

I wonder how I don't know, but do you really want to be looked at? I mean, thinking about our parents or our parents' parents, do they really want to be looked at as someone who's not caring or emotionally safe or just so above I'm such above my kids. They know better than to ask me anything. I wouldn't want my kids to think that about me. I'm not necessarily your equal, but I'm not above you either.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:44

Like if that's it.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

And I don't think or I don't think the parents or grandparents were thinking that. I I think it was I'm the adult and you're a child. And that's it. I not that I'm better than you or Oh, yeah, I guess if anything, yeah, I'm I'm above you because I'm I'm the adult. But I you know, I don't think that in their perspective, they're thinking like, oh, I hope they take this and understand that. Not like don't not come to me, but just stay in your lane. When you're old enough, you'll learn why you're not supposed to be in the kitchen. But right now, at eight or seven, you just need to accept what I'm saying because when you're 12 or 11 or 12 or 13, you'll have a better understanding as to why I said that. But right now, I don't feel like I need to explain anything to you. So I wonder if that was I mean, it could be.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

So yeah, I think, you know, I think with modern parenting, there is a lack of clear boundaries. I think that some of us want to stay, keep it somewhat traditional, but maybe if our child has was a little too tough with our parents, we just kind of go completely the opposite way. And it's like, no, we gotta be meet somewhere in the middle because there is a lack of respect amongst kids nowadays. Um it's like I think some parents went way too far to one side. It's like, yeah, okay, you gotta you gotta keep some boundaries. Yeah, then it's not clear enough.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Right. Definitely not clear, and that leads us into the second angle of this particular topic is has gentle parenting gone too far into passive parenting? Does expecting total compliance actually build respect, or does it just teach the kids to hide their feelings? Like you said, I think that the gentle parenting aspect has it's it's too gentle or too passive. You're too passive. Where is the line at? When is it not okay? When are you going to enforce the respect? Respect needs to happen at some point because now you're disrespecting people outside of the house. You're disrespecting your teacher, you're disrespecting your friends, you're disrespecting family members. And then it gets to a point that the child doesn't even want to listen to you anymore because now they're 13 and you're afraid of your kid, or but there has to be a line. I'm pretty I know there's a lot of parents out there afraid of their own children, but there has to be a line. There needs to be some boundaries, passive or not, gentle parenting or not, you need to have some boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

And they need to be clear. I think what started off as gentle parenting, people just took it to the extreme. I I think when it was first things were like, hey, we're not gonna hit our kids. We're you know, we're gonna just not be as rough as our parents were to us, but it's just gone to the point where you have to say no sometimes. Maybe not for everything, but you need to say no. There has to be boundaries, and you're not gonna talk back to me. Kids are growing up, they're trying to push boundaries, but our jobs are to you know keep those boundaries up. I'm gonna push back, I'm not gonna allow the nonsense to continue because that's how they act crazy with the world. And that's how we have people the way they are.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Yeah, crazy with the world. So then the second question to that was does expecting total compliance actually build respect, or does it just teach kids to hide their feelings? So, do you think that reinforcing the rules or making that line very clear, is that building respect, or are you making your kids hide in their show because now they're afraid to express themselves?

SPEAKER_00 13:07

I don't think it a hundred percent builds respect. Respect is not just about listening to the rules. I think there's more aspects to respect than that. Just because I follow Earth and you say doesn't mean I respect you. I obey you, but I don't respect you. I think there's a difference. And yeah, they they might hide their own feelings because they feel like they can't come to you. Because you're just so it's one, two, three, or you know, A, B, C, or black and white, that there's no room for errors, there's no room for feelings. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Yeah, that can definitely there's a line with that too. There's definitely a line with that authoritative parenting and making and just finding that happy medium with being stern and strict, but also finding a way to say, hey, you can still come to me with things, but we're all gonna respect each other in the house. And making sure that that is very clear because otherwise, if you're being that head reign and I'm the head of this household and I'm in charge, you can't do anything unless I say you can do it. Then yeah, your kids are gonna push back. Your kids are not gonna come to you. They're gonna rebel at some point, maybe when they move out of the house or while they're still there. So definitely there's a balance between both ends of that spectrum, be it you're a passive parent or you're an authoritative parent. You definitely have to find that happy medium with your parenting. Right. Yeah, I totally agree.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

It's just it's hard. I get it, it's hard. But some parents just like all right, whatever. Yeah, just let it be. And that's where we run into trouble, especially in society.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Especially in society. Well, Celia, hot topic number two. Let us move on.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

All right, so hot topic number two, the Sir Ma'am Regional Divide. So here's some stats. A national UGov poll showed that nearly 70% of adults raised in the south were taught to address their elders as sir or ma'am, compared to 35% of adults raised in the west and northeast. So southern manners such as yes, ma'am, no, ma'am, are a non-negotiable standard for basic respect, tone, and home training. And then we have our West Coast perspective. Hello, West Coast. Viewing sir, ma'am as overly formal, stiff, or unnecessary. Is enforcing specific vocabulary actual respect, or is it just empty compliance if the kid's heart isn't in it? All right, Anish, what do you think? You grew up with sir and a ma'am.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Yes, I did. Growing up, I felt embarrassed to like not even because people ask, why do you say that? Why do you say that? Like my friends and my kids, my kids, my friends would say that. The kids would ask me, Why do you say that? Why do you say that? And it was a respect thing. And my parents, their background is from the south. My dad was military, so a lot of it had to do with his military background. And as an adult now, I need I need to hear it now. I get where they were coming from. It just sounds better. It sounds better than huh? What? No, like I there needs to be clear respect. Because now, even as an adult, I respect my elders. If you're older than me, or even if you're not older than me, I just, yes, ma'am, no, ma'am, yes, sir, no, sir. To me, it just sounds better. What sounds just even my kids when they converse with each other, hearing him say what to his brother irks my nerves. At least say yes. If someone calls your name, yes, or what? It's like you sound irritated, you sound irked. Why are you talking to me? Even if that's how you feel, just yes, is it's just more polite and it's more pleasant. So now going into society, to me, you just sound more distinguished, you sound more respectable, you sound like you care. And the said something about what if your kid's not into it? Yeah, if their heart's not in it. Who cares? Their heart's not gonna be in a lot of things, their heart's not going to school. They don't want to go to school. I feel it's all about the delivery, the tone, and I want my kids to grow up respecting their elders, respecting their peers, and respecting one another. That's like like I said, I make sure that my boys respect each other and they don't say what. I actually had to correct my son today because he said what to his brother. And I'm like, hey, respond with a polite yes and move on. What about G sill?

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Being from the West Coast and not being raised with southern manners, it does throw me off when people call me ma'am. Um I I'm used to it more now with your kids, especially the oldest one. Um and I I think it's cute and they it does show respect, I will say that, but I also don't feel like if someone says yes to me, like it's not like I'm fine with that, like you know, saying yes. So I'm not offended necessarily. Yes, when I hear what, it is rude. Like you yes, yes, and I I tell my kids that too, from the little one to the older one, you say yes, and then because we're a bilingual house, so you say mante. Like yes, like yes, yeah. So we do work on that because yeah, I I don't like to hear what. And me myself though, I do in my vocabulary say yeah, and I've tried to work on it, and it just it's really engraved in there. So I have a hard time correcting my own kids because I'm like, well, I mean, I know where they get it from, you know. So that part gets hard, but I I do I do see it respectful to hear or um or for people to use sir and ma'am. But I know I've heard women before say, Oh, don't call me ma'am, like you're you're aging me. So I know women have probably a harder time with that word, at least out on this side of the country, as opposed to like men. Like I'm pretty sure, you know, it's booster eagle. He called me sir. But for women, it's just like you're not gonna age me. Now, I don't mind. Like, call me ma'am or say yes, or misses Miss is okay too. Yeah. But yeah, so I I don't think it's necessary necessarily, but it does show respect. I will give you that.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Living in Texas, uh, which is the furthest south I've lived, I've been to the south a gabillion times, but physically living there, and we were we live next to a military base. And being so I'm from the West Coast, I don't think any of my friends' kids have been taught to say yes, ma'am, and all that of that stuff. So living in Texas and being around a military base, and we went to the military base a lot. I heard another parent correct their child like I do, and I was like, oh my people. His son said yes or something and didn't say the ma'am, and he was talking to me, and he corrected him on the spot. And I was like, Oh my gosh, that's what I do. And I usually either say to say, either say no ma'am or no thank you, or something, depend especially just depending on the context of the conversation that I'm having with my child. But you need to say something after that direct answer, whether it's no thank you, or do you want some ice cream? No, ma'am, or no, thank you. And I I correct them on the spot. And it was it was nice to hear that that militant man correct his child on the spot to follow up with the ma'am. So I don't and I don't see it as aging, obviously, because I hear it all the time. But you're 100% right. I've definitely heard a lot of women sp You're aging me. Don't call me that. It's okay. I need to say this. So, yeah, well, well, those are the hot topics that we have for today. I wonder, are you gonna have your kids start saying yes, ma'am, no, ma'am? For to our poorers out there listening. You bring them around me, I'm gonna make your kid say it. I think I got Vinny. Vinny says it.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

He'll say it every once in a while, but he'll say it and then he'll look at me. Like, I don't know. He says it, but he'll say it with like a smirk. And I was like, oh, but because like when he when you have told him before, like it's a yes ma'am, he just kind of gets like, whoa, you know. So when he says it to me, he's just like, I don't know. He I don't know what goes on in his brain sometimes, but I was like, I don't know if you really mean that, yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Okay, well, let's jump into the first segment of the episode. We hope you enjoyed those hot topics. Let's talk about enforcing manners without losing connection. Okay, so we want to make sure that if you're not enforcing those manners, enforce them and make it very clear. We talked about it just in our hot topics, but you don't want to lose the connection with your child. You want to make sure that you're treating your children with respect. You want to make sure that the respect is on the table when you're connecting with your kids. Um Listen, listening is so, so big. Don't humiliate them. I know that's a big thing on social media. Still and I, we've talked about that before in the past. Parents are uploading punishment scenarios online because their kid wore booty shorts at school or something. Try not to humiliate your children. You want to teach your children respect, but you don't want to knock them down while you're trying to teach them a lesson and apologize, right? Let's talk about apologizing to your kids. I like I don't know if that's a like, do you apologize to your kids, though? Is that something that you've done?

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Okay. I think sometimes they go a little too far and like I'm sorry. Because they have to see that even adults mess up. Like we're not perfect. So I I do apologize. Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

So giving respect to get it. That was the question at the top of the show. And let's let's bring that question back. Do kids automatically owe parents respect because of their role? Or is respect a two-way street that has to be modeled and earned? Do kids automatically owe the parents respect? You know what?

SPEAKER_00 23:04

It's tough because there's so many shitty parents out there. And I think you need to be a good role model for your kids as well. You need you need to show you respect yourself. You need to respect them. So it it it's it is a two-way street, I believe. However, I think if you're if you have stand-up parents or parents who are there and are doing right by their kids, then yeah, you you should respect your parents. But I guess it depends. And I don't you know, and it sucks to say that, but I firsthand have seen some parents who you know, you're not even respecting yourself. How am I supposed to respect you as my parent?

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

Now I I don't think you should go out of way to be disrespectful as a child, but at the same time, you you have to give it to get it. So I guess no. I don't think just because you're a parent, you have to show I don't think kids automatically need to show their parents respect just because of their parents, but I think the parent needs to be a parent.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

The parent needs to be a parent for sure. There are so many dark stories out there. We've all heard them, we've all seen the tales. And just like you said, Sil, you have some bad parents out there and you have some good parents out there. And as a bad parent, you can't demand or put that iron fist down on your child if you're if you're not leading by example. Because at that point, I guaranteed if a parent is a bad parent, and we all know what a bad parent is. Don't, oh, what's a but what's a bad parent to fight? We all know what a bad parent is. So I imagine if there is a bad parent out there, there is no line crossing. They're that maybe that passive parent, or they're too authoritative. There is no gray area, there is no line, right? So you can have the over just over-passive parent. You're you're doing everything because I'm doing everything. I don't care what you do, I'm free too. Everyone be free. But now I want you to listen to me. And your kids are, well, no, I don't want to listen to you because you do what you want to do. I've been doing what I want to do. Why would I listen to you? Or you have the over-authoritative parent that has that strict iron fist, and you're demanding all this respect. And it's like, no, like I'm not gonna do any of that. Or, like I said before, they're gonna rebel at some point in their lives, right? So that's me that happy medium.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Those are the kids that go off and leave the home as soon as they can. And that's they don't come back or they hold that resentment for a long time because you, you know, sh showed them disrespect. And maybe they weren't necessarily disrespectful to you. Maybe they were respectful in the home because they had no other option. But as soon as it was time, they were out of there. Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

So, how do you enforce manners without losing that connection?

SPEAKER_00 25:55

How do you enforce it? I think by setting an example, by being a a good role model for your kids, your kids have to see it and be like, oh, okay, it's it's not that hard to have good manners. It's not hard to say please and thank you. It's not hard to open the door for someone. Like little things like that, like that, they learn based on you. Like right now, my kid is a parrot, my little one. She repeats everything. And you know, if you heard on the past um story time with Cell, you know, she's saying, Oh shit, okay. Now, mind you, that was not good parenting on my end there. But they pick up on these, these kids are smart and they're resilient, and they they for the most part want to be like their parents. So really being able to set manners isn't about losing connection, it's about showing them what it's like to be a decent human being. Right. We can still have our connection. If I say please, I'm not above my kids, I'm gonna say please and thank you to them. I'm gonna apologize, but I need to apologize. You know, it's just gonna happen. So if they see me doing it, there's no reason why they shouldn't reciprocate that. Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Yeah. Leading by example, making the line clear. If they cross a boundary, sit down and have a discussion with them. If you're putting them on punishment, if you're taking something away from them, explain to them, hey, you did this and I don't like that. So this is why I'm taking this from you. This is your punishment. You don't need to record it and post it on social media. Right. Do it, do it in the privacy of your own home and enforce those manners, but stay connected with your child. Enforce that respect, but stay connected with your child. You don't have to, like my parents didn't have to overtly explain things to me growing up in order for my siblings and I to continue to say yes, ma'am, and no, ma'am. Even telling my kids to do it now, I still have to repeat myself to say it sometimes. But the crazy thing is that sometimes my oldest son, he'll forget to say it, he won't say it out here, and grandma will correct him or whatever the case is. But in public, oh baby, he hasn't missed a ma'am or a sir. And I'm oh, okay. Like, and that makes me proud because I know what you're doing when I'm not around. And you want to make sure that you're raising civilized, decent human beings that you're gonna throw into society at some point. Right, exactly. You want yeah, you just you wanna make sure that you're leading by example, making sure that you're a decent human being and instilling that in your kids. We talked about apologizing. The do you feel that apologizing still impacts parental authority? No at all. Okay. I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

No. My kids still know who's the boss, even though I have apologized. Makes me more relatable, but it also shows them that like parents make mistakes too. We are not perfect, and just like they make mistakes, we make mistakes. And if I don't apologize to them, they might be more reluctant to apologize to others. Because they're because, well, my parents don't apologize. My parents mess up, they don't ever say sorry. So why do I need to say sorry?

SPEAKER_01 28:54

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

So once again, it's leading by example. Leading by example.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Okay, so next question I have is Does treating kids as equals ever backfire when you just need them to listen right now? Is that something that you struggle with or you've seen happening?

SPEAKER_00 29:10

So yes, that is definitely something that I struggle with. You know, and like I said, it's that's where the fine line comes in. So you like me and my son will play around sometimes, and then he'll take it too far. So we'll play around like we're equals, and then he goes too far. I'm like, oh dang it. And that's about to bring it in. All right, respect, respect, respect. And he'll be like, well, wait a minute, but you said this, like I know. And I'm like, dang it, like maybe I took it too far. But you know, at that time I was seeing him as my equal. Same thing what I've seen with him, the way he gets along with some of his Thias videos. The one at his Thias, she's very chill, laid back, and they they will have that banter, they'll go back and forth. Then Asunti's like, oh, I think he's going a little too far, but she keeps going. So I'm like, okay, I'm like, well, you're gonna keep pushing him. He's gonna push back, and he's very witty. Benny is he'll fire at you. He's like, Oh, I have a chance, let my get you. You know, that that's his mindset, but it's like that competitiveness in him, and it's he loves to be funny, he's a prankster. So, like you're feeling this. So, at what point do I need to be like, okay, yeah, we're done? Because she's also the adult, and it's like, well, you you triggered him. But then he'll have that, he'll have, I guess he has a hard time distinguishing who he can play around with like that and who he can't, because then he'll try to have that same type of banter with another Thea, and she's like, uh, no, you're being disrespectful. Like, don't talk to me like that. And I'm like, Penny. Like, you know, but then it's like he's not trying to be malicious, he's not trying to be disrespectful. He's just a kid learning who he can play around with and who he can't. And like some of the older Theas in the family, they're old school. Like we don't play like that. We don't play. Like basically, we don't play, really, is what it is. And so he has an even harder time with that because he's just trying to be himself. And that's where I feel like it's hard sometimes to be yourself because he is that funny kid. He likes to play jokes and he's a prankster and all that. And once again, he's not trying to be disrespectful and he's not trying to be malicious, he's just trying to express himself. And for some, it's just like, no, you're being disrespectful. You need to stop. You don't talk to me like that. Yeah. It's like, can we just relax a little bit? Like bring it down a notch, like, you know, but I mean, everyone has their ways, and and he just as as he grows up, he'll learn who can he can play with like that and who he can't. But yeah, sometimes when you treat them as equals, they're kids. They're probably gonna take it too far. But I think there's been times where I'll snap at him and it's like, you know what? I need to take it back a little bit because I know I took it there, or I know someone else pushed him there. And now it's got a character. I'm like, okay, I get you said that, but you took it too far. And I have to explain to him, like, why he took it too far, because I don't I could easily say because I said so, or you just don't do that. But he needs to understand why. Why did you take it too far with this adult? Yeah. So yeah, it it gets tough, but it's there's just so many different personalities and so many um people who still have traditional views and so many people who don't. So it's just kind of you're ping-ponging back and forth with who's being still traditional and who's not. So that's what makes it difficult as well.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

Yeah. I know in a in a black household, it's I'm one of your little friends that you have to reiterate. Yeah. And I've I've caught myself saying that to him because he'll get comfortable. And I'm like, hold on, hold on, brother. I am one of your little friends. And I have to explain to him, okay, we we cool. I got you, but also understand that I am the authoritative in this household. And we we're gonna keep it as such. And and and I'll explain to him. I had I've found myself and caught myself thoroughly going into explanations. This is how you talk to your friends. You don't talk to your mama like this, or this is how you do this. You don't do that over here. You do that outside with your little friends, but don't come in this house doing that. And or I done shoot, I've told him your little friend either friends outside gonna get you in trouble in the house. Whatever you do outside, don't bring that in this house because we don't play that over here. Uh, so he's learning as well. And they'll they'll learn. I've I've had to learn which parent to ask for money growing up. Like, right. Yeah. Once you figure that out, you figure out most things out.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Like that's the parent I go to, that's the parent I don't go to.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Exactly. And so they're the boys are both growing and they're learning. I had to tell him at one point a year or two ago that he didn't need to call his friend sir. You'll need to call your peer sir or or ma'am. Your peer. Just kind of looking at him like, what? What's a sir? That is not my name. I I heard him say that. I was like, no, baby, no. Just a teacher, or and I had to give him examples of, you know, just authoritative figures, a police officer, a a doctor. And he was like, okay, okay, but your friend, no, you don't need to call your friend sir or ma'am. That's so funny. So he he took it to the extreme. But so treating your kids as equals definitely could could be a sticky situation, but making sure that again, that line in the sand is drawn, having those conversations with your with your children and letting them know when we're equal and when we're not equal. And making sure that your kids understand. But communication, we we over-talk about communication, but it's it's so imperative in your household within your four walls of your house, communicating with your partner and communicating with your kids. Don't leave them out of the loop because there may be some resentment there. Demanding the respect, enforcing the respect is okay, but communicate as to why you're enforcing the respect. Make sure it is understood. There's no gray area. And the older they get, the more they're understand and respect your decisions as to why you were enforcing the respect because you kept that line of communication open. Let's move on. This is our last little bullet point. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for hanging in there. If you are still with us, back talk. Is there a line that needs to be drawn with back talk? So you briefly mentioned it earlier. Let's talk about defining a difference between a child expressing a real emotion versus crossing into flat out disrespect.

SPEAKER_00 35:35

All right. So this part, this kid, I feel like he's a preteen already. Sometimes when it comes to the back talk, we gotta shut it down. I have to tell him that I'm done. This conversation's over. Like we're done. It really is just taking a minute to cool down because usually by the time that there's talking back, it's getting heated. And so it shouldn't get there to that point. It is something that I think all parents go through for the most part because they're trying to push those boundaries. They're just trying to see how far they can go before you budge. Because typically it's they want something and you're not giving it to them. So how far can I push? How much can I bug her until she just says, fine, take it? Sometimes they could just be so overstimulated that they just black out. They're just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, all this word vomit and say, Nope, you gotta take a breath, figure out who you're talking to right now.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

Get it together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:26

Keeping the back talk at bay, it's a fine line between them expressing their emotions or them just wanting to get on your nerves or them wanting to maybe get the last word today. To be able to get the last word. But as a parent, you should know if your child's really just trying to express themselves. And it probably has a lot to do with the topic at hand. Right. Parents out there, if you're in the thick of it, just do your best when it comes to the back talk. And if they're expressing themselves, it also has a lot to do with the age range when it comes to the form of expression and the topic of discussion. I'm not gonna argue with you about putting your game away. That's put it away. But if you want to have a debate because you're 16 and you want to stay out till 11 instead of 10:30, hear your child out, maybe if you haven't had that full-blown discussion yet. So choose your battles and make sure that you are doing your best to fully understand if the back talk is truly back talk or if it's a real emotion. And having that line of communication. Parents learn your kids, learn their likes, learn their dislikes. You're not diminishing yourself as an adult or as the authoritative in the household by showing your children respect. They're not like, ooh, I got you now, ha ha. They're not rubbing their hands at night, saying, ooh, I'm in charge now, because mom apologized to me. They're not doing that. If anything, they're appreciating you more. They're looking up to you, they're understanding you. They want to connect with you. There's so many more positive things that come out of giving your child that respect, engaging in conversations with them to determine what the line's going to be, especially as they get older. And not being so authoritative, keeping everything at bay and just showing your kids I'm human as well. Yes, I'm your mother figure. Yes, I'm your father figure. Yes, I need you to respect and obey me, but I'm also here to listen to you. I'm also here to respect you, and I'm here to learn you and figure out who you are and who you're becoming and making sure that when I throw you into society that you're the best version of yourself that you could possibly, possibly be.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

All right. Yeah, well said. Final thought. Just because you require matters doesn't make you outdated. You know, you're not the old traditional parent necessarily because you're asking your kids to have matters. Manners is a necessity. People need to have matters. That's I would love for that to never go away. And respecting your kids doesn't make you soft, it makes you human. It makes you relatable to your children. And why not be relatable to those little ones that you are raising, right?

SPEAKER_01 39:11

Yes. That you're bonded to forever, bonded in life by blood. So take that as you may. Thank you all so much for tuning in to another episode of Pouring and Parenting.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Where sip happens and we pour about it.