SPEAKER_00 0:00

Grab your glass and pull up a chair. It's time for your favorite girls' night in.

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Welcome to Pouring in Parenting. We're your besties, Sill and Anish. We're here to laugh through the chaos. Hello, Poor's. Let's start the show. Welcome to another episode of Pouring in Parenting. I'm Sill and I'm Anish. And today we're gonna be talking about responsibility and the great chore debate. Before we get into that, Anish, what did you pour today?

SPEAKER_00 0:24

I poured a drink from our midweek pour that I made. So if again, if you all are not following us, what are you waiting for? Don't be scared. Hit that follow button. Stay active. See the behind the scenes stuff. But to finally answer your question, so I poured what I called the citrus unwind, which is basically a paloma. All that hype. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But I called it the citrus unwind.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

So that's it. What'd you pour? So I poured also a drink that was featured in our midweek pour, and it is a Scoopy snack. I still had some leftover ingredients, so I was like, why not? Why not? Takes me back. Takes me back to the days where we used to go to Fridays.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Uh yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

I think that's where I would get my Scooby snacks. It's Fridays.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Yeah. Yes, yes, and yes. Good times. Good times. Good times. And indeed. Well, let's cheers to that. All right. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. And I feel like it's safe to mention at the moment, and in honor of us both pouring actually aggressive drinks tonight, we got some news. I know. We got some news that we are nominated for an award. And what was the award specifically?

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Oh, okay. Hold on. We were nominated for our very first award in Best Family and Parenting Podcast by the Black Pod Awards.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

So thank you. Thank you. It was so exciting to be recognized. We applied, and the fact that we're even being considered and nominated is humbling. It's just, it's nice to know that our voices are being heard out there and that the people that listen to us think so. Yes, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

We will keep you informed of how all that turns out. Okay. Well, let's go ahead and get into today's episode. The big question should kids be doing chores, or are we making our own lives harder by trying to force them? Einish, did you do chores as a kid?

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Did I had chores? Not I don't think it was a lot. At the time I'm pretty sure I thought it was too much, but as an adult, I don't feel that it was ridiculous. What about you, Cel? Did you have chores?

SPEAKER_01 2:55

I absolutely had chores. Oh my gosh. I So the weekends were for cleaning. Well, Saturday mornings were made for cleaning. But my mom was intense. Like she would have us clean the walls, baseboards, restrooms, dust. She usually took care of the kitchen. But then during the week, as I got older, I had to wash dishes, which I hated. I hated freaking washing dishes. And she was very adamant that they needed to be washed really well. Use hot water. There could be no grease, no fingerprints, no nothing, no the slightest smudge of anything. And she she would check. She would check the dishes. And if she saw that there was some dish dirty dishes, she would take them out. And there was a couple times. And I'm sure I was giving her a lot of attitude. Um, but she took all the dishes back out. And I mean, we're Hispanics, so yes, we put our dishes in the dishwasher to dry. Um, and she took them all out of the dishwasher and made me rewash everything, even if it was clean. She was very, yeah, she was that one who checked for dust. Like, oh, you dusted, let me go check.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Oh, yeah, she was very intense. But look, I mean, at that time of my life, I was not very fond of my mother. But now I look back and I'm thankful because now I, you know, mind you, my house isn't always spick and span, but like I know how to clean my house. I know what is a good cleaning, what's a half-ass cleaning. And I, you know, I I think of her. I can definitely, you know, Saturday mornings, I have my music playing. A lot of times I even have Mexican music playing, Spanish music. So I'm like really just diving into my mom's channel. Yeah. And um, yeah, I clean away and I get in those moods where I really get into it. I'm like cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I'm like, yeah, I think definitely I I got this from my childhood. So it wasn't a horrible thing. I think it it helped in a lot of ways. But at the time, it was straight freaking misery.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

It's always, well, I don't say always, there might be some interesting children out there that love to clean, but it's just not fun as a kid. Nobody wants to clean. I think my kids are probably the exception of being those interesting kids that like to clean. They they offer to help. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Growing up doing chores once again was not fun, but I do feel when kids are a certain age, when they're young, mainly when they're young, they love to help out. Like they want to help, they want to do the dishes, they want to help you clean the toilet for some reason. Like, I don't, I don't get it. But and even just a couple weeks ago, Benny wanted to go see Spider-Man. This is when we were in Vegas. He wanted to go see Spider-Man, and I told him, I was like, well, you need to earn it because going to the movies with him is not cheap whatsoever. So I was like, okay, you have to clean the blinds, you have to vacuum, you have to Oh, yeah, jealous. It's crazy. Oh, you got a mop. Yeah. And I was shocked. Like he had done most of it. And then the day we were supposed to watch Spider-Man that morning, he woke up so early on his own. Typically, he wakes up, turns on the TV super loud, like no one's sleeping. And this time he woke up, quietly went and got the duster and cleaned all the blinds.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

I was shocked. Now, mind you, he did it because he knew he was getting a reward out of it.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

That was an incentive.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Um that was yes, definitely an incentive. But let me tell you right now, I hate cleaning the blinds. I will take him to the movies every time. If I could get out of cleaning the freaking blinds, we have so many blinds up in this house and they're and we have big windows. So it's not easy. It takes long. My back hurts after like the first one. So the fact that this little youngster could do it and not complaining, complain, done. Done, done, done. Um, but I mean, he showed that he was responsible. I told him what would happen. He did it, and that you know, he did his best. I didn't have to wake him up to tell him to to clean. And I told him, like, it's up to you. If you want to go, this is what you gotta do. I'm not gonna remind you, I'm not gonna like beg you, none of that. And he just did it. So, I mean, you know, they're little now. Um, but I know I've also seen the other side of it with like my uh older nieces who you know them cleaning anything is the biggest inconvenience.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

So yeah, so yeah, because you have your own lives, right? We we as we get older, our littles they their lives revolve revolve around us and whatever we decide to put them into. And then they just go with the flow. And as the littles get older and they get into those teen years, they have friends now, they have things that they have to keep up with. They're too cool. I don't have time for that. And the transition begins. So we gotta take advantage of but you know what?

SPEAKER_01 8:06

I mean, that is when they are the most expensive is in their teen years. Like you're the most expensive. You want all this crap. It's not cheap. If they're in sports or whatever, it they just cost you so much money. And the time that you put into all of their activities, now that like a little bit of a lot of people. Do they want it?

SPEAKER_00 8:24

I mean, how many kids actually really want to be in the activities?

SPEAKER_01 8:27

By a certain age, they're doing it because they want it. Um, like when they're little, like now, my daughter, she and we're going like soft topic, but who cares? It's our show. But you know, I've been coaching her for soccer, and she got gets so excited. Oh, we're going to soccer. She gets her bag, she's responsible with her stuff. She knows exactly where they are. She'll start putting them on, or she needs she asks for help to put them on. But the second we get on the soccer field, I don't want it.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

And she would rather literally do anything else. So there comes an age where we're the ones, like she didn't ask to be in soccer. But my son, who's nine now, he asks to be in sports. And he wants to travel, he wants to do all this stuff. Now, of course, there are those kids who probably don't want to do the sports their parents are putting them in. But I think by a certain age, they're doing it because they actually want to do it. Um, but even if they're not like at the end of the day, like they still want rides here. Oh, can you get me my Starbucks? Can you take me to Target? Can you do this? Can you take me to my friend's house? Can you buy me lunch or whatever the case is? Like, they just want it all. Okay. And you, you gotta pull your own weight around here. You're freaking broke asking me for all this stuff. There has to be some type of compensation for us parents and not just going broke because of them. Yeah. So the why behind the whining. So the parental dilemma is it confession time? Are we acknowledging that it's just faster if we do it ourselves? Or do we do it to save time, but also hurting them in the lung? What do you think? So your oldest is seven, about to be eight. Seven about to be eight, yes. I don't think about that. So it's okay. But do you does he have chores?

SPEAKER_00 10:02

He has he has routines. He doesn't necessarily have hardcore chores yet. He gets his own clothes ready. He'll make his bed from time to time. He doesn't really get it too messy because he he sleeps on top of his actual like comforter. And there's a he uses like the throw blanket over him. But like specific chores. No, he closed I I guess this is a chore. He'll close the curtains in the house. Our new house has a lot of windows, and they all are equipped with curtains. And so he'll close all the curtain. He knows which I like to leave one of the windows open, but he'll go out and close all the curtains. And but like I'm I don't trust him to wash the dishes, so I'm not gonna play that game. And he he's seven. He'll ask to make stuff if I'm making dinner. He's a big fan of noodles, so he'll take his noodles if if the time is allotted for him to do that. But just specific hardcore chores that are written on the board, set in stone. You have to do this before you can do anything else today, isn't happening yet. But he is getting introduced to being responsible and having responsibilities. And again, the biggest thing is closing the curtains. He gets his school clothes ready. And I guess that's really it. And he has a calendar though, right? We have the calendar on the refrigerator that we all use. So he's up to date about everything that's happening, and he makes sure that we're all aligned together on that. Like this this particular week, it's spirit week. So they have different activities or different items of clothing that they want the kids to wear. So he's aware of that and he's getting himself ready and pulling out the jersey of his team or the color scheme. But if he makes a mess, he'll clean it up. I don't trust him clean and stuff just yet to make it a chore. Now I know that's obviously how he's gonna learn, but based on, you know, this particular topic, yeah, right now I'm doing it because it's not necessarily faster, it's just more clean.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

So experts say findings from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry showing that chores build intrinsic life skills, confidence, and motor and spatial dexterity. So let's go in a little bit deeper with that. So attitudes towards chores vary considerably. Some children are eager to help while others are not, like we discussed. Some, yes, I want to, others like, no, I want to play, I want to talk to my friends, I want to get out of my life. Whatever the case is. But there's so many benefits uh for them to do appropriate chores depending on their age. So they learn time management skills. You should not be doing dishes for two hours. They should not take two seconds to clean their room. Let's figure that out. Developing organizational skills. Uh so right now, like for example, Vinny, he surprised me the other day and he kind of reminded me of myself. I remember at a certain age, I was really into rearranging my room, doing things in my room. Like, no one would tell me to do it. Um, I would just go in my room and like, oh, okay, I'm gonna move this around. I got at one point I would move my whole bed around, my dressers, all that on my own. But he he did this little mural of things and it was based on his likes and like you know what he liked the most and least. And he made it very organized. I was very surprised. And he cleaned his room at the same time because he wanted it to look organized, which is amazing. Yes, thank you. You know, I I mean no one asked you, you just did it on your own. But yeah, so learning organizational skills, accepting responsibility in the family. So back to when they're asking us for all sorts of stuff. Okay, well, you also need to show responsibility in your family. How are you gonna help me out? You want all this from me. You see that I clean, you can also clean. I'm not above you, but you're not also gonna just be a king in my house and just sit up and do nothing. You also should help. Providing an opportunity for success. So, especially for children struggling in other ways. Now, being in the classroom, I do notice that when there's so students who struggle with maybe staying in their seats or struggle with concentration, just have developmental struggles in general. Giving them a job. Okay, you're gonna be the paper pastor, you're gonna be the door holder, the line leader. You would be surprised how much that changes their person, I don't want to say personality, it just changes the way they walk in the room. They have like a higher self-esteem, they feel like they're successful, they feel like they're a part of something. And that can also be played out in the home, giving them a chance, okay. You know what? You're gonna help me with the floors today. Yep, they're probably not gonna do the best job, but they're gonna be like, oh, I did this floors. Oh, see those floors? I did it. So it just brings the opportunity for success. Now we know they're not gonna do these things, right? Like I said to my son, he cleaned the curtains, the blinds, I should say. They're okay. I mean, yes, I would have done a better job, but like I said, I hate doing the freaking blinds. So I am going to accept what he did. They learned to balance work and play from a young age. Just the other day, he went to his friend's house across the street, and he came back all upset. What's wrong? He has to clean first. I was like, oh, awesome. So he sees other kids are cleaning, and his this friend of his is about a year older. And sure enough, after he was done, he came over. Right, let's play. And but it also showed him, oh, other kids clean too. It's not just me. And Benny knows like you can't do this until you go clean. His one of his chores is taking out the trash cans um every whatever day of the week. And he has to take them out. But it's not even just that. We added on more tours. He has to take out all the trash, so all the restroom trash, the kitchen trash, throw it in the trash cans, and then you take the trash out to the car. The next day, they need to come back in. He doesn't like it. He's like, Why do I have to do this? He he said he would rather clean the blinds, which I'm like, that's crazy. Whatever. Like, this is still part of your job. The blinds you only do every so often, but this has to be done every week.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

But he knows my the oldest would bring the trash can in. The trash cans are different out here in Iowa. So um, but yeah, he can do it though. But he enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Well, good. See, maybe there's something you could bring back. Uh but regardless sets a good foundation for functioning independently. You can do this without me having to tell you or show you. This is your thing, you're doing it on your own. So, in case you need some tips for how to get started introducing chores to your child, here's just a few. There's a whole bunch on this website. It's aacap.org. So if you want to take a look, go ahead. But I'm gonna read just a few. So, once again, set clear and reasonable expectations. Let your child know exactly what needs to be done. So, for example, please take out the trash from the kitchen after breakfast. You're telling them what to do from what place and at time. Okay, so you're taking out the trash from the kitchen or after breakfast. Okay, so set clear and reasonable expectations. Establish a regular routine. So, for example, you clean up before dinner. So maybe that's cleaning up toys, cleaning up their homework, cleaning up whatever needs to be done. That way, after dinner, you wash up, you do what you gotta do, but now you don't have to really be cleaning anything after that. Be consistent. I hate this word. I hate it. I hate consistent. I hate you if you're consistent. No, I don't. I'm sorry. But just being consistent. Oh my gosh, it just I'm not consistent. That's why I hate it. I try. Anyways, sorry. Oh wow, changing rules. You know, woo. I mean, we've thought about consistency over here. Right? Oh my goodness. So changing rules and expectations can create confusion and frustration. So try to be consistent. If every day they need to clean up before dinner, keep it that way. Don't be like, oh, you know what? This time you don't have to because, you know, whatever. Because then another day, they're gonna be like, oh, well, you know, they're gonna come up with their own excuse as to why they don't need to clean up for dinner or before dinner. And then last, for younger children, focus on small and manageable tasks. So make longer jobs fun and cooperative. Use songs or games if you can. But for the most part, try to keep them small. Like, okay, you know, you can help me put away maybe just the utensils for now. You know, start off with something like that. Or help me clean the placemats on the table. Um, help me put out napkins or like whatever you put on your kitchen table um that needs to be refilled. Okay, so stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

It's putting toys away too. Clean up after themselves. I the boys love their Hot Wheels, and I always would say, don't forget to park your cars, park the cars, as opposed to put the toys away. And parking the cars sounds a lot more fun than saying put your cars away. And definitely they, the youngest one is more so into the to the little cars, the Hot Wheels and whatnot. So parking the cars or during bath time, we recently bought a bath net, like a shower net, so we could put all the toys in there. And I we barely had it a couple weeks now at this point, if that, but he had taken everything out and I was like, oh lord, I'm gonna go back in there just to put everything back in. And so I I never had to tell him to put everything back away. He automatically knew, okay, I'm taking everything out, I'm cleaning, or I'm playing with the toys during bath time, and he puts the he puts the toys back in himself. Okay. Yeah, oh, awesome. I'm like, I didn't say anything. I freaked out the first time. But so, but yeah, making it fun. I like yeah, I like that one. Trying to, especially for the littles, make it sound fun and they'll be more into it. Yeah, there's a cleanup song and whatever you're gonna say.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

Right? Yes. Clean clean. Yep. She sings that song and she's cleaning up. But usually she sometimes she'll give me a hard time, but once she sees that I start picking up, then she's like, Oh, I gotta start picking up. And then I just kind of let her finish cleaning up on her own. Um, they just see that little push sometimes. Yeah. But let's go ahead and talk about the developmental timeline. So who does what and when? So we are gonna discuss the age-appropriate tasks using verified baselines by healthychildren.org and pediatric help systems. We will just discuss the age group, the focus area, and then examples. So, Einish, do you want to talk about our toddlers?

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Ages two to three, personal spaces and imitation. We're talking putting toys back in the bin, place dirty clothes in a hamper, wipe small spills. Those are very minimal but easy things that you can recite back to your kids. You could tell your two-year-old, hey, put the toys back in the bin. Literally, what we just said park your cars. Let's go park the cars, put the cars away, placing dirty clothes in the hamper, repeating yourself, being repetitive with kids. You're gonna have to repeat yourself. You can't say it once and think it's gonna stick. It's not gonna stick. You got to repeat yourself and show by imitation, following you around and showing them, and then wiping the small spills because spills will happen. I use a spray to clean my counters and stuff throughout the house. And now he's all about using the spray, as long as I'm physically there, because dear God, the first time he was gonna spray his face. Oh no. So I have to make sure that he's pointing the nozzle in the right direction. And for breakfast, for instance, for instance, if he's eating cereal and he spills some milk, he I will have him help me clean the just the little droplets up, and he's all about it. So just making sure that you're imitating and starting young, two to three, they that that's literally what they want to do. They want to imitate you, they look up to you. You're the best person in their lives right now, and they want to make sure you have. They want to see you smile, so why not have them help you clean while you're at it?

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Right. Definitely. I mean, yeah, they're right there, right behind you. Might as well pick up their crumbs while they're at it. Next is our preschoolers. So ages four to five. We're just having them do basic multi-step routines, making their bed. Okay, now this part is gonna give you a chuckle or two because it's gonna look crazy. But here's where it's okay for it to be imperfect. It's fine. It's not the biggest deal. And I think I may even talk about this in a previous episode where later on you can go and fix it for them. And they'll think they did it, and then they'll see, like, oh, okay, that's how I made my bed. And they get that confidence. They could feed pets, give them their food, give them their water, clean up the little area around the pet bowl, or even clear their own plate. Pick up your plate, throw the your leftovers in the trash, whatever the cases, put everything in the sink. Easy peasy. And this is things that you don't always want to be doing for them. They need to learn, especially preschoolers. They need to start learning how to be independent and not being told, okay, you gotta throw your trash away, you gotta do this. They're starting school.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Early school age, so ages six to nine, community contribution. So here is where they're more involved. Here, dust furniture, sweet floors, load and unload the dishwasher, pack their school back. Oh and so this is where both our kids, our oldest boys are. So once again, um, Anisha's boy is about to be eight, Benny is nine. And one thing I could say is if you have something that looks fun to use, they're gonna want to use it. I have the Swiffer duster thing, and I don't know why Benny is intrigued by it. He likes it. He'll go and he'll he'll dust stuff. All right, cool. I mean, he's gonna miss some spots once again. It's totally fine. Uh but he'll do it. Yeah, I have a handheld vacuum. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go. The handheld vacuum. Yeah. Yeah. Benny's not a big fan of the vacuum, but he does like the mop. We have one of those mops where it's in that like bucket and it like spins around and does all our little funny fancies.

SPEAKER_00 24:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Yeah. Even the baby, she likes she likes to help me mop. She'll help me, she'll put her foot down and she'll help me. I mean, they're just learning. It's you need them to learn. This is exposure.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Yes, you're exposing me. Exposing them.

SPEAKER_00 24:17

That's exposure. And it'll it'll be muscle memory and they'll perfect it before you know it. It's just like anything in life, be it sports. You put them in a sport, they don't know how to play, but you keep taking them even though even though they don't know how to play, because eventually we all know that they're gonna get it together and figure it out. Right. Practice.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

We we probably feel or we don't think that they're capable of doing things, but they are so capable. They will rise to the challenge if they're provided with the challenge. We don't challenge them, they're gonna just stay stagnant. And we don't want that for our kids. But once again, unloading, unloading the dishwasher, packing their school bag. So actually, this year I have made Benny responsible for his school lunch. So he needs to pack his own lunch now. Um people would complain a lot about the stuff I'd pack him. So finally I was like, do it yourself then. And then so we have a school lunch calendar on the refrigerator, and he knows to go look. If it's something he likes, cool, he doesn't have to pack anything. If it's something he doesn't like, he knows to pack his lunch. Same thing with filling up his water. I'm not doing that stuff for him anymore. That's something he could do on his own. We're getting ready at the same time. I I am can easily forget about his stuff. So gay, you're not doing anything else. You want to sit there and watch TV? No, you could fill up your own water, you can pack your own lunch. And he moves like a snail in the morning. So at this point, he has to he go, he moves so slow. Oh my gosh. Uh, and then he like looks through the pantry and he's just like staring at it for so long. Like, it's the same as it was the day before and the day before that. Like, there is nothing crazy added to it. But yeah, he just takes forever to pack his lunch. So now I'm like, okay, you gotta do it at night because I ain't got time for you in the morning.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

Oh well, you're stressing me out saying you do it in the morning is crazy to me. Definitely do lunch. We started.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

That's it.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

We started that way, and then I was like, okay, this can't happen. I'm like, or I'm gonna wake you up like 20 minutes early just to.

SPEAKER_00 26:10

I was having anxiety hearing you talk about it right now. We I've always packed the night before and had everything super, super ready, but now he I'm like I'm saying so ready that like he would get it because my husband takes him to school. And so either my husband would get it or he would get it in the times that I'd wake up. I think I used to just take it out of the refrigerator and give it to him to put it in his bag now, but now he is responsible for getting it out of the refrigerator, putting the actual plastic container in his lunch bag, and then going through all the motions. But lunch is is already prepped and ready to go. He just has to grab it and um now he can do it the night before too. I guess you know that could be something we do in the future, but I typically ask him, Hey, what are you what are we doing for lunch? What are you vibing? But definitely the night before. The morning up is insane. That's crazy. Yes. Moving on to tweens, ages 10 to 12. Uh, we're talking independent task and basic cooking. Teach those kids how to cook, okay? They can wash the car. We're talking cleaning the bathroom, put away their own laundry. How much laundry are you already doing, mama? Pass the kick the kick the book, kick it over. Preparing simple meals. I already said my little seven-year-old is making noodles. Imagine what he'll be able to do at 10 and 12. We're talking spaghetti noodles this time. We're talking, he's cooking over a flame. I'm already teaching how to make eggs. He knows how to make his own egg. There might be a couple shells in there, but start early washing the car. Both kids help their dad when it's time to wash the car, the bathroom. That's a bigger task because now we're talking chemicals. So make sure you have safe chemicals floating around and gloves and very, very important. And put away the laundry. There's a lady that I seen on social media, and she said that they just stop folding clothes because the clothes get messy anyway. So they literally just they divvy the clothes out, but she said they just throw them in in the drawers because they're gonna get messed up anyway. I'm not suggesting that. I don't do that, but that's what that's what she does in her household. And who are we to judge? Hey, that's what works for them. We hang up clothes over here, but and that's hand-eye coordination, right? Put your shirt on the hanger and and you know, figure all that stuff out.

SPEAKER_01 28:27

But motor skills, all that.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

It's you're teaching that, you're teaching responsibility to these kids. How many, especially to the boys? I feel like a lot of people feel it's definitely necessary to teach my girls to cook. I gotta teach my girl how to keep a house clean. I gotta teach my daughters how to do this and that. And they're they're forgetting about the their sons. Sons, men, boys need these skills too. So please don't disregard your boys thinking that they're gonna marry a woman that knows how to do that. They should know how to do that themselves too. So 10 to 12, let's start implementing bigger, greater tasks to our to our kids and giving them that responsibility, those chores to to so they can be prepared to be thrown into society. Right, yep.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

I agree, I agree. Teach the boys, teach the girls. Everyone needs to know all these things. This is not a one-gender type thing, not at all. At all, at all. All right, and now we move on to teens. So ages 13 and uh oh teens. Teaching life management and logistics. So independent meal prep. Now, this I think would be huge for boys, especially if they're in sports. They need to eat. My son, right now, he is on two soccer teams. He is hungry all the time. He's burning up all the carbs. These I could only imagine these 13 and over boys. Meal prep. Get your protein in. You need to learn how to cook. Because don't be asking me every 10 minutes for food because you're hungry, because you're a big boy and you're burning everything off. Figure it out. Basic grocery shopping. Um, this one is interesting. I mean, depending on their age, if they can start driving to the store, maybe around 15, 16, or even walking if they're close enough, you know, just basic stuff. Um, I know my daughter sure as heck is gonna know where things are because she loves shopping. My son hates shopping, he hates going to multiple stores. So he's gonna have a hard time with this. But regardless, he needs to learn. Uh, managing a homework schedule. So when they're older, they want to have that social life. That's all good and dandy. But if your homework isn't done, you ain't going anywhere. So figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 30:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

And then running minor errands. Okay. So maybe going to the store, pick something up, maybe dropping something off by UPS, little life skills that is gonna help them. I mean, even something as simple as paying, paying at the cash register, having those conversations with someone of this is what I do, this is who I give my money to, or this is where I swipe my card, or whatever the case is, giving them those things that's gonna help them be ready for when they go off to college and they've never paid anything on their own before, they've never pumped gas before, they've never done anything on their own. Teach them how to change a tire, change. I mean, there's just so much stuff that could be taught as they're teens because especially once they go away to college and you're not there all the time, they have to be able to do things on their own, and you're gonna kick yourself in the butt if they can't do these things and you're hundreds of miles away.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

I think these are things that I feel your child, your your young adult would be okay, yeah, I'll meal prep my own food. Yeah, I'll go to the grocery store. Like that's a lot more fun than cleaning counters or those type of chores, if you will, but just giving them that independence and and guiding them.

unknown 31:56

So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:57

And if you think about it, if they learn to clean up after themselves by a certain age, you're not gonna be nagging too much because they cleaned up after themselves. One of the biggest things right now is you know, the house is a mess, not because those those aren't my toys. That's not my issue over there on the table. Like it's it's them. So they'll be a lot less na less nagging in a healthier household if everyone just does what they're supposed to. I don't have to nag you because you already know how. I don't have to tell you how to do this because you already know how. You know what to expect it. You're part of this family, you need to act like part of this family. It's not gonna be always perfect, but it should be fine.

SPEAKER_02 32:34

It should be fine.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

So let's move on to chores versus personal responsibility. So the invisible step. So from household labor to personal, non-negotiable mental load, kids should start carrying. So the your own stuff principle. Responsibilities aren't just about cleaning the floors, they're about managing their own lives. Here's an easy daily checklist. So remember to plug in your school tablet or device at night. Now, this is the route schools have gone. Believe me, it makes everyone's life so much easier. If they come to school with a charged device, do it at night. That's their stuff. This is their responsibility. It doesn't affect them when they're at school, when you're not there. That should be part of their daily checklist. Plug in your stuff. If it's fully charged, all right, cool. Don't worry about it. Put it in your backpack. Tracking their own sports gear, soccer cleats, oh my gosh, water bottles, uniforms before game day, before practice. You know where everything is. If they're consistent and they keep it in the same spot each time, it shouldn't be an issue. If they're organized, it shouldn't be an issue. Once again, it's their own stuff, but it helps them be responsible. Waking up to their own alarm clock. Um, and then last but not least, brushing their teeth without a visual inspection or interrogation. You know, when you wake up in the morning, you brush your teeth and you do it wow. There might be times where you do have to inspect. Sometimes I'll just see him or I'll see my daughter, and they're just kind of holding it in their mouth. I'm like, you're not brushing your teeth. Brush vice. I have to give them the little reminders. But yeah, I mean, these are little things. This is their own personal stuff, their own responsibilities. Where this is not a chore, this is your your daily life. Yes. Whatever it is that you do, whatever extracurricular, you know, even your homework. Where do you put your homework every dude? Where's your pencils? We should not have to be hunting for a pencil every time we do your homework. Be responsible with your stuff. Be responsible.

SPEAKER_00 34:25

I will say that my son is pretty he's on it about he keeps up with his stuff hardcore. And I hope that stays with him as he gets older, which I don't imagine why it would dis dissipate considering he's fairly young if he's keeping up with stuff. So I will I will give him that. He will not lose nothing. I'm always afraid, like, oh my gosh, he's gonna leave this at school or something. And he he comes right back with it. I'm like, okay. Or library books and and things of that nature. He's he's very responsible. Oh, that's good. So he's on it. And he puts everything back where it's supposed to be. Again, I hope that stays with him as he gets older. Stay with him. So, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

You know what? These kids change from one day to the other. So hopefully that is something that stays. Yeah, for sure. It's a good quality. Yes, I agree. All right, and then our last segment: the honest pros and cons of enforcing responsibility. Now, we've already talked about a lot of the pros, getting them ready for success, training a future adult who won't call their college roommate crying because they don't know how to separate whites from darks. Okay. Teach them how to do laundry for the love of God. Boosting their confidence. Okay, they feel a sense of pride and belonging when they realize that the household functions better because of their health. Oh, the house is clean because you helped. Your room is clean because you did it. There's just so much stuff that they can see themselves. And I'm part of this house. Our house is functioning because I helped. And it also lightens our load. So eventually we get a small break when they can actually execute a task correctly. Now we discussed when they're little, yeah, you might have to clean up right after them. Oh, you dusted, awesome. You're dusting five minutes later. But eventually they're gonna get better at it. But if they don't start, when will they start? Yeah, I'd rather start cleaning up after themselves.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

Cleaning up after a seven-year-old than a 14-year-old with doing this. I don't even know how to test it. You're 14 years old. Figure it out, you know.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

Eventually, it's a win-win for all of us. It's a win for them. We there are they are going to be a successful adult being able to do things on their own, and you're gonna have a light and load. You don't have to do their laundry, you don't have to cook their meals, they should be cleaning up after themselves, less dishes for you. It just it works out for everyone. I I can't wait.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

Now I'm gonna want to still cook for my kids. I think for the parents out there that are probably like, oh, but I want to do this. I still want to do for them. You can still do for your kids, but just make sure that they that the the lesson is instilled in them, that you taught them how to do it. Hey, I'm doing this for you, even though I know you know how to cook. I'm still gonna make your noodles for you because I taught you and I instilled that in you. So we're not saying just to do it so you can write your kids off at 13 or 10 or 11.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

Do it yourself.

SPEAKER_00 37:21

I guess it we're done.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

You're set up from success. Peace out.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

Right. But just making sure that you're teaching these moments to your children so they do have the tools for when they do leave, if they they leave the nest. Some kids don't leave the nest, but hoping that you let your kids go free and go off to college or wherever their future may lay. Instill that in them, and still you you can still be a parent. We're not saying to not be a parent to write your kids up.

SPEAKER_01 37:52

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

I just want to make that clear.

SPEAKER_01 37:54

I will, I know Benny is still gonna want me to cook for him. You know, he still asks for his jambalaya once a week.

SPEAKER_00 38:01

So as long as I don't give him that recipe, he's gonna need me. Right, there you go. Yeah, keep keep all those secret recipes to yourselves. You gotta keep them wanting to come back, come back home to get that good old cooking.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

He's still at that age where he's like, okay, when I buy my house, I'm gonna like live next to you. So yeah, so maybe we could keep that alive a little bit. Oh, I don't know. I want him to see new places. Anyways, let's go to the cons, okay? The parent tax. Why would some parents not want to deal with giving their kids chores or responsibilities? Ainish, do you want to talk about the first one?

SPEAKER_00 38:41

So, first one we'll be discussing is the nagging fatigue. We're exhausted. It's emotionally exhausting asking your child to do something that you know it's only gonna take five minutes, but you have to repetitively ask them over and over again. And then it's three hours later, and you're like, gosh, I could have done this three hours ago, and it only would have taken me five minutes. But it's taking more energy for me to ask you. So I'm constantly nagging you over and over to do it. There's a con. If I've ever seen a con, I ain't got time for it. I'm just gonna do it myself.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

I agree, but eventually, eventually, my rebuttal to that is that this time it might have taken you, taken three hours out of your day, but eventually they're gonna get it together. They're gonna get it together. Okay, but if you're if you're nagging and they don't want to, it could be one because you maybe you started them a little later in life than you should have. So now they're just like, ugh, like why? I didn't have to do this a year ago. What I gotta do this now. Maybe they're having a bad day, but regardless, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:42

It couldn't be too advanced too. Just as far as like, oh, you if you feel like you're nagging, maybe making sure that the task that you're giving the child is in their age range bracket.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

If the child is older, then that's completely different. You need to definitely be more forceful with your child if they're 13 plus. But if they're younger and you're telling your two-year-old to put something in the sink and they keep putting it in the tub or something, that might be a little too advanced for them. Or you need to walk with them and say, This is the sink, this is the tub, or this is the trash can. I need you to put this in the sink. So making sure that it's age appropriate what you're requesting your child to do. And that'll make it easier for everyone, too. You're not feeling like you're nagging, your child's not feeling overwhelmed, and everyone's on the same page, hopefully, or getting close to being aligned with each other. The next con could be the quality control crisis, accepting that their version of cleaning the bathroom usually just means wiping a wet paper towel over the faucet and leaving the toilet untouched. You don't want to deal with that because I still have to go behind you and clean everything out. Or you can go in and show them this is how we clean the bathroom. And you can turn that con into a pro because now you're giving them a visual. They understand what your expectations are. Again, everyone can move forward together. You just that con and made it a pro. The third one we'll discuss is the negotiator phase. Dealing with the sudden tiny lawyer you've created who tries to negotiate a financial contract or extra screen time just for putting their own cereal bowl in the sink. That is something you should already be doing, baby boy. But we all go through it. All of our kids want to be little negotiators and they want to be, they want to dictate and be in control somehow. And instead of giving them that control or saying, okay, I don't even want to deal with this. This is a con. You have the discussion before. If you know that little dictator is gonna start trying to be a negotiator with you, say, hey, just letting you know, before you get on your toy today, before you play your game today, I need you to make sure that you clear the table, put everything in the sink, and make sure all your toys are away before you play with this toy today. And simple, basic. Sil talked about that at the top of the show, giving very clear instructions and again connecting to whatever your child's age is, making sure it's appropriate for their age, saying all the words that they understand. So this con can now be turned into a pro. You won't have to feel so stressed about giving orders in your own house, and you feel like, okay, well, I just I'll just do it myself. So taking that control.

SPEAKER_01 42:31

Or you could be a negotiator right back and be like, okay, well, if this doesn't get done, then I take away your screen for a week and you can't say anything to me. Or, you know, after 10 o'clock, you don't talk to me anymore. Like, you know. Yeah, just bring it, fire it right back at them. They don't like that stuff. Like, okay, you know what, never mind. And then they just did what they were supposed to, and that was it. Yeah, just making it clear. This brings us to the end of our episode. So let's not forget responsibility, it's a slow build. You're not gonna get it overnight. Okay, there's no switch. It's a slow build. So be patient with them, be patient with yourself. There's gonna be some rough times, just like there is everything else. But regardless, we can't let them run our lives. We need to run theirs. But it's for the greater good. So we're going to ask you to share on social media, share with us what is the funniest or worst attempt your kid has ever made at doing its work. Thank you for listening to another episode of Pouring and Parenting, where a sip happens and we pour about it.